Answers for July 2009

WINNER this month is another long term hanger on …

Leon Down

Question 1

If Franz Kafka could have visited Prague as it now stands, how would this have affected his literary output?


Kafka suffered from severe depression and lack of self-esteem. If he could have seen how many places are now named after him, all over Prague, he would have cheered up no end. But then, he would not have written the depressing works for which he is now famous.

Additional Answers

  • Blowed if I know. Bloody useless arts questions…
  • Goodness knows. Poor boy was neurotic. If he’d been born to different parents.… ok I didn’t read a Kafka book and never have. Should I?
  • Greatly! Many of the places he lived in and were sources of angst for his writing are now demolished such as the ghetto, and different apartments. Also parents, a great source of material, are not there either.
  • He would have needed far less bytes as there are less characters in “Czech” than there are in “Czechoslavakia”
  • He wouldn’t have written “The Castle ” or “The Trial”.
  • He’d no longer have not finished The Castle, being 126 years old by now.
  • Hmm. Would it have decreased because of more bridges he could have suicided from, or no ‘Metamorphosis’ because of fewer cockroaches? Increased because of better TB treatments? He would have written in Yiddish? The placenames in his stories would be Czech rather than German? He frequented prostitutes, so he would have died of AIDS rather than veganism? And I have to wait a whole month to find out!
  • I’d be pleased to answer your question Dr. Bob. Just please send my assistant Mr. Binford the answer authorization form. I’ll sign the answer authorization form and leave it for you to pick up at your convenience. Once you have seen my signature and indicate so on the website in the form I will return to post my answer. Should you require assistance travelling to get the form please feel free to speak with my associate Mr. Klamm who will answer all of your questions.
  • It would be digital rather than analogue.
  • Maybe he would have written in Czech, making his novels even harder for generations of high school English Lit. students to understand.
  • Sales for his book would be through the roof, as he would have bought heaps to inflate the figures.
  • Sure. The massive number of cockroaches there now would ensure he wouldn’t write Metamorphosis.
  • They would be about 80 years late. They would have been metamorphosed.
  • What sort of a question is that? You’re sounding like a sports commentator now — “If he’d nicked that one and the other bloke had caught it he’d be out”. Unfortunately I have no clairvoyant skills. If I did I probably wouldn’t be doing this quiz.

Question 2

Spike Milligan made a series of television comedy sketch shows, which because the latest Cunard ocean liner was for a long time referred to as the “Q4” and the British were pretty hysterical over it, was called “Q5”. There followed a second series, called “Q6” and then more series called “Q7”, “Q8” (done all in Arab dress), and “Q9”. But the seventh series was called “There’s a Lot of It About”. Why not “Q10”?


The BBC thought “Q10” would be too confusing.

Additional Answers

  • Ah, because Q10 would confuse the public apparently. I loved Spike with all my heart.
  • Aunty claimed Q10 would confuse the punters. Never underestimate the stupidity of the viewing audience.
  • Because ubiquinone had not yet been discovered.
  • Blowed if I know. Bloody useless arts questions…(I refuse to cheat and look it up on the inter-toobs)
  • Interesting. Looks like two answers! One is a rare example of Milligan feeling a joke had gone too far, or, according to Milligan’s autobiography, alternatively the BBC felt the public might find Q10 too confusing (after Qn so far??)
  • Monty Python
  • Quinten Jones had that copywrited.
  • S. M. was tired of Q’s and numbers.
  • Spike blames it on the BBC being bureaucratic, and perhaps he is right.
  • The Beeb complained that it sounded too much like Milligan’s earlier programs: well, duh!
  • The real answer is probably that the ocean liners probably had caught up and taken the lead in Qing. No one like Q10 though. That is why for a couple years you have only gone for Q6 and not had several picture questions, nicht wahr?
  • They only had space for two digits
  • We wouldn’t want to confuse the public. (I told you he was crook)

Question 3

Which leading Nazi was excommunicated from the Catholic Church, and why?


Goebbels — for marrying a Protestant. The others got clean away with it (with being Nazis)!

Additional Answers

  • Because he wasn’t Nazi enough.
  • Erm, George W. Bush? Because he was too extreme.
  • Ernst Rohm, for being denounced by Hitler.
  • Goebbels! The Goebbels wedding was fixed for December 19, 1931. As a divorcee and convert to protestantism, Magda (his bride to be) could not marry under the rites of the Catholic Church. Goebbels’ plea to the bishop of Berlin for a waiver was denied. Marrying a Protestant,he would be excommunicated, and he was.
  • Goebbels — payback for that Martin Luther thing a few years prior.
  • Goebbels — he took a protestant whore as his wife.
  • Goebbels, for marrying a prostitute: no, wait, they’re fine; a Protestant.
  • Joseph Ratzinger, because most of his pupils (Sidious, Traya, Maul, Vader etc) were not Aryan.
  • Juan Peron and other such abortionists
  • Mother Teresa
  • Oh my goodness. He did so many hideous things and the bloody stupid catholic church excommunicated him because he married a protestant? Oh, Goebbels.
  • Poor old Goebbels, because he had noebbels at all.
  • Sgt Schultz — For giving all prison warders an extremely bad name — I know nuzzink !
  • Um, that would be Hitler because he intended to invade Iceland.

Question 4

The British town of Tipton had an ornamental lake. What was Councillor Doughty’s response to a proposal to beautify it by putting 12 gondolas on it?


Cheaper to get two, and breed them

Additional Answers

  • “GAAAARN!”
  • “When a mummy gondola and a daddy gondola love each other very much.….” And he’s dead right, they’re everywhere in Venice.
  • Buy just two as breeding stock. Did he have an MBA degree?
  • Damn Italians!
  • Doughty told the council clerk to buy two gondolas and breed the rest up from these two. Save the council rate payers money. Seems the thrifty Cr Doughty thought a gondola is some kind of waterfowl. Easy mistake.
  • He infamously told his council clerk to buy just two gondolas for the town park’s lake, as opposed to a dozen, on the basis that they could then breed from them and thus save money.
  • He tested an atomic bomb in it.
  • He wanted to save some money and buy a breeding pair instead.
  • More f-cking gondolas?
  • Thinking that a gondola was a sort of waterfowl, he suggested that they only buy two and breed from them.
  • To put a german U-Boat in it, commanded by Sgt Schultz
  • Tut, tut, very inopportune.
  • Why buy all 12? With a little mood music, some soft lighting and some oysters, couldn’t just two friendly gondolas…

Question 5

How much water could you carry using a Texan’s “ten gallon hat”?


About four gallons at the very most. “Galon” is a braided hatband.

Additional Answers

  • 1 gallon
  • 1230ml, discounting the humidity of the felt.
  • 3/4ths of a gallon
  • About a tenth of that, this proportion being the normal rate of Texan exaggeration.
  • About 2 gallons
  • According to Dudie my mad Texan mate, the gallon doesn’t actually allude to capacity but the braid around the hat, from the Spanish galon. The hat itself will hold three quarts of liquid.
  • As much or as little as I wished with multiple refillings of same. I suspect a Texan gallon is similar to a Texan 6 inches. Pity the Texanettes.
  • Depends on the size of the bottles the water is in.
  • Enough to submerge U-Sgt Schultz
  • Fifteen liters?
  • For a single carry, 3 quarts.
  • How wet do you like your shoes? Maybe 3 liters of flour.
  • If it was being worn…none.
  • If they are US gallons; approximately 37.8541178 litres. Unless of course it was 3 quart hat.
  • None. Touch the Texan’s hat, you get shot. This should be a warning to all — don’t go near Americans, they are dangerous.

Question 6

Two pictures. (a) Where were these taken? and (b) What is he thinking?



Albania — King Zog’s all-female bodyguard. Very nice, even if the building behind is not really finished yet. Note the natty hand-over-heart salute, unique to Albania. It’s good to be king. As for what the poor bloke is thinking — see first sentence.

Additional Answers

  • At the launch of the U-Sgt Schultz — Mein Gott, mebbe I shud haf left Col Klink in command !
  • Heidelberg Hooters. HOT! HOT! HOT!
  • In 1941 at the 3rd National Congress of German Feminist Nazis. (Note the guys in the background on the bottom photo though, not to mention the one in front…) “I don’t feel like a real man any more…”
  • Europe? “Come on, come on. The bar closes in half an hour.”
  • Queensland. “I hope my stiffy doesn’t show…”
  • This is Albania, most probably Tirana as it’s the Zogist salute proudly demonstrated by the Girl’s batallion. I again am reluctant to join the clarvoyant crew and venture into posthumous ESP; but could guess “This looks like a good spot for yet another assassination attempt”.
  • Cross dressers convention. Weirdest picture he could take.
  • Everything I come up with is just too lame and obvious, so strangely I’m going to have to leave this one.
  • I can’t get past the sex toys on the hats.
  • I go, we go, Yugoslavia. Or Freedonia.
  • I’m just going to say Iceland for the sake of it — and he was thinking…“I have a cunning plan”.
  • No idea! Thinking? They didn’t have uniforms like this when I was young!
  • The photo was taken outside the back gates of the Luxton & District Traction Company. The ‘officer’ is a young Inspector Cyril “Blakey” Blake. He is thinking ‘I’ll get you Butler’. The women are the latest class of graduand conductresses at their passing out parade. Or the wave function could collapse to their being the Albanian Girls Brigade saluting King Zog some time between 1936 and the 1939 Italian liberation of Albania. You won’t know till you open the box. I wonder if their buses ran on time?
  • The salute is a dead giveaway. They are the soldier(esses) of Freedonia (disguised as women).


  • BTW, I borrowed the Olmert book from the library last month to find the answers to the June quiz. After reading it, I decided not to answer any of your questions, because the entertainment I got out of the book was enough reward.
  • God, pictures are hard to Google. [OK, I’ll forward this remark to her]
  • I can’t be bothered commenting because I really don’t want to waste my time commenting on a completely pointless… Oh, damn.
  • I think you have ex-zog-sted this line of questions. [Oh no I haven’t. As you will see from next month’s quiz]
  • I tried to Bing the answers. It wasn’t as much fun.
  • I’ll get back to you.
  • No Comment
  • Oh, the places you’ll go!!
  • What the intercourse?
  • Would Australia please take the USA’s Gitmo prisoners?
  • Wow. I’m number 944237. You’ll have a lot of grading to do this month.