Answers for March 2008

ANSWERS March 2008. Our WINNER this month has returned from a long absence and got 5 right, plus Q5 as near as anyone else. Welcome to the triple winners club –

John Coffin

An ironic name for winning a quiz about heavy smokers. Have you thought of changing it to John Smoketoomuch?

Question 1

Who was generally believed to be the world’s heaviest smoker?


King Zog of Albania, 150-200 per day

Additional Answers

  • According to Derrick and Clive that would be Winney Churchill….worst job I’ve ever ‘ad.
  • Ahmet Muhtar Bey Zogolli – Commonly known as King Zog of Albania. However if by heaviest you mean weighed the most then you’ve got lots of choices – Manuel Uribe was pretty big weighing in at 1445 pounds at his peak but I don’t know if he smoked. Probably not, because he might have lost some weight.
  • Alfonse “The Blowhole” Cicarelli…always had two ciggies going at once if you know what I mean. Died of colon cancer, not surprisingly.
  • Either Winston Churchill (150kg) or Jackie Gleason (ditto). Then again, maybe it was the Buddha (500kg) but the chronicles do not record if he was a Marlboro mammoth or not.
  • Humphrey Bogart
  • I couldn’t find any evidence of which, if any, of the world’s heaviest people are smokers, Dr Bob. Although I do remember with fondness a certain friend of generous proportions in Brisbane 10 or so years ago who was partial to the occasional cigar and alcoholic beverage. On the other hand, the person renowned as smoking the most cigarettes on a daily basis was Albania’s King Zog I. Unpleasant habit.
  • I have one word for you ELVIS!no matter how big he got no-one was gonna tell him to stop smoking– he was ELVIS!!!
  • If you think I’m going to make a fat joke here well then . . . of course you are right. Sigh. Orson Welles. Now I’ll feel guilty if I’m sober enough to remember typing this answer.
  • Joan of Arc. [Groannnnnn]
  • Ken Ham, who must be smoking tons of “weed” to build and publish that stuff of his.
  • King Zog of Albania, at approximately 200 cigarettes a day. OR: King Zog of Albania, at approximately 150 *perfumed* cigarettes a day.
  • Marlon Brando…oh, wait, do you mean who smokes the most or weight of smoker?
  • Me
  • Mount Vesuvius
  • My Dad
  • My dear old Granny, 85 & still on two packs a day.
  • My grandad, who smoked four packs a day and used to beg King Zog for the fifth
  • Oprah
  • Robert Earl Hughes. He was the world’s heaviest man, and a smoker, making him by definition the world’s heaviest smoker.
  • Some fat guy
  • The abominable snowman! He smoked lots of pot and he weighed in at 445 kilos. See the dope made him paranoid and thats why he always runs and hides (paranoia paranoia everyones coming to get me………)
  • Thomas the Tank Engine. Everytime my kids watch it that bastard is puffing away with a big smug smile on his eyeball rolling faceface
  • Tuomas Tankkinen-Enginsson.
  • Well I’ve been to Downe House and there was no ash tray in Darwin’s study, so I’m guessing that it was Mrs Darwin.
  • Whatshisname, who weighed about 500 kilos when they bashed the wall down to get him out of the house.
  • Winston Churchill
  • Winston Churchill. Didn’t do sports either,liked his booze and did amphetamines. All the good stuff,really. Had a long life,too.
  • Zog of Albania. Yikes, I type “world’s heaviest smoker” into Wikipedia, click the only available page, and that darn photo leaps out at me like a hat out of a rabbit! [Gosh, I couldn’t see it for smoke]
  • Zog: 10 packs/day. Apparently Yves St Laurent was a close 2nd [Yes but he was nowhere near as elegant – see Q6].
  • Zogged if I know.

Question 2

Sir Isaac Newton took a punt at the density of “gopher wood” and calculated the displacement tonnage of Noah’s Ark; what was his estimate?


18,231 tons

Additional Answers

  • 14.745 psi
  • 150 tonnes
  • 16.65m
  • 172,000.58142283916434395664845929..(fourteen pages deleted). Naturally, his successors soon began to doubt the accuracy of this estimate – the zeroes looked a bit suspicious…
  • 18,231 tons, if ‘gopher wood’ was Cladrastis lutea.
  • 200 Marlon Brandos
  • 40.000 tons. 80% of the Titanic. You have snuck in a Titanic question again, you sneaky b*****d!
  • 52310000 kilobeavers
  • 6 meters
  • A biblical gross.
  • A punt, eh? A drop kick of gopher wood would be easier on the foot but I guess old Izzy was not your average John Eales sort of bloke and didn’t worry much about such things.
  • Actually, he was referring to all the “go-ferring” as in the “go for” commands you’d have to say to get all that wood. According to his calculations, it would have been a lot.
  • As big as Albania
  • Clearly it was wrong, there is no arc, there is no displacement and its just lucky that Mr Newton proved himself in other areas.
  • His estimate was that in order for the Ark to be true then so did the truth of evolution as that Ark was never going to hold that many animals
  • his estimate was that it floated! but noah’s arc doesn’t exist so now i am wondering about newton; does he exist?? does gopher wood exist?? do i exist?? aaaaahhhhhhhhhh
  • Isn’t that a rude expression? Maybe I’d better check with my priest.
  • It doesn’t really matter because he was wrong. The secret samples held by the US government show it was aluminium and titanium. I quote from a highly reputable source. None other than Dr. Barry M. Warmkessel: “The Book of Noah explicitly specifies that “angels” (with extensive metallurgical skills) built the Ark. They were likely the Nommos, an amphibian species reportedly from the Sirius star system.” On the other hand they could just have been illegal aliens from over the border in Albania. See! A Fig your Newton! (a little jest there for our American friends)
  • It would have sunk like a stone.
  • Let me see – The weight of 2 x every animal that exists- the weight of the dinosaurs who apparently didn’t get on board.+ the weight of Noah and his inbred, incestuous offspring- the weight of the rest of humankind (innocent or not)+ the weight of the ark itself- the weight of guilt any of those hypocrites aboard felt= a mighty bastard act by our “loving and generous lord”
  • Let’s just say it’s a good thing that: When Noah looked out through the driving rain Them unicorns were hiding, playing silly games Kicking and splashing while the rain was falling Oh, them silly unicorns (Chorus:)There was green alligators and long-necked geese Some humpty backed camels and some chimpanzees Noah cried, “Close the door because the rain is falling And we just can’t wait for no unicorns” Mwa ha ha ha ha. Now all of you will have that song playing in your head all day. Mwa ha ha ha. There will be more answers like this next month unless Dr. B. makes me the winner!
  • More than a sumo wrestler that smoked
  • Sir Isaac Newton estimated the ark at 515 feet long, 86 wide, 18,231 tons. Dr Bob, do you realise the amount of creationist crap I had to wade through to find this out? What’s out there is truly frightening.
  • Some imaginary number. Appropriate for an imaginary ark.
  • SYNTAX ERROR – the ark did not exist.
  • This must be an awfully tenuous link to Darwin. Let me see… was it the same as that of HMS Beagle? [No – it was on a web page that had a reference to Darwin left over by accident from the previous month. Honestly, talk about the bleeding obvious]
  • Why would Newton try to kick density? And Gopher Wood sounds awfully close to bestiality. Don’t make me report you to the RSPCA
  • Wrong.
  • wtf is gopher wood
  • Zog dammit! Can’t find it, but I’ll have a go: 300 cubits long x 50 cubits wide x 30 cubits high. If a cubit is 20″, then 500′ x 83’4″ × 50′ = 2,083,250 cu ft in gross volume = 21000 gross tons. Reed density is .4, but I’ll presume pitched wood is more like .8, and if displacement draught of 15 cubits, then 25,000 New Tons 😉 and if fully loaded with pairs of zogs up to the one-cubit window, more than the Titanic at 40,000 tons. Bonus points for the word ‘Titanic’?

Question 3

On what date was the first issue of “Islamic Tourism” magazine published?


Really – yes, really – 11 September 2001

Additional Answers

  • 1 April 1996
  • 1-7-1999. Muslims do not (generally) believe the teachings of Nostradamus.
  • 11/25/2003
  • 1986
  • A day before the term “oxymoron” was coined.
  • According to its website:“All the issues of the magazine, from the first which appeared in the autumn of 2001, until the current issue, can be read, free of charge, on the magazine’s website:” It isn’t quite so easy to find that the precise date was September 11th.
  • Ah, an easy one. It must be 1859, the date of the publication of Origin of Species.
  • Am trying to resist typing September 11, 2001. America – A Great Place to Visit. Oh no, I have failed.
  • April 1 2001
  • Are you going to tell me Sept 2001? Coinzogdence?
  • Date? Hmm, I don’t know the precise date but I do know the palm upon which it was first published. I’ll show it to you just as soon as it’s safe to return to its oasis near Baghdad.
  • Following the first issue of the Q’uran. In which it says you have to travel to Mecca at least once.
  • Hmmm. The tourist industry in the Middle East probably needed a boost in October 2001. By the way, February’s issue marks the 75th issue devoted to Mecca.
  • i have to google this one, what a crock, ok i get it, your not pleased with the cover story…………
  • I’d love to say it was September 11, 2001, but I think 31/12/2003 is a more correct date. A sister publication to the infamous “Spelunker Today” perhaps
  • It started in Autumn 2001 but for some strange reason fails to mention our friend Ahmet Muhtar Bey Zogolli. It should not, of course, be confused with that other well known journal published by Mr Bin Laden called the Islamic Terrorist Magazine (I know, it’s a cheap joke but someone had to use it…)
  • Not 11/9/01. [Wronggggg!]
  • Oh God! It was the one day I hoped it wouldn’t be. 9/11. The irony is killing me.
  • Oh, I so want to say 11 September 2001…is this too obvious?
  • On the same day that General Pinochet staged his coup, right?
  • Ooh, to pick a date out of the ether, it would have to be September 11, 2001.
  • Sept 11th, 2001?
  • September 11 2001, you got a choice of two airlines, Doom or Gloom
  • September 11, 2001 – It didn’t do too well in the States…
  • September 11, 2001: Cover article, “Jet airliner tours of New York City’s World Trade Center.”
  • September 11th 2001??
  • the day hittler became a “leader” so that people would go there and he would kill alln the blue eyed hippies
  • The day after I paid full price for my “Camels,Camels, Camels!” package holiday. D’oh!
  • What calender are we using here? need to go to reg for this one
  • Yet to be announced

Question 4

What was the single occasion in the 20th century when a Head of State, upon being shot at by assassins during an official function, pulled out his own pistol and returned fire?


King Zog, outside the Vienna opera house, 1931

Additional Answers

  • 1912 World’s Fair
  • Castro
  • Dick Cheney, well not quite, but the guy he shot was more lucky than Kevin Dudd in a cotton budd factory. You see, Cheney thought it was GW Brazinian and he took a wild shot in his delusion. Lucky for both of them the gun he used was, despite the most powerful military in the world, as ineffective as that military and so the luckless “victim”s now await the leaving of the bush
  • Didnt some prince come over here and get shot up? was it him who shot back or the police? I think they both ended up wounded and maybe one dies, i dont know, but clearly he did not kill the perpetrator or the question would read differently dont you recon? so, low key event?
  • Fidel Castro? Or was that the answer to Question 1?
  • Good old King Zog of Albania in 1931 at a viennese opera
  • Hey, I know this one. It was when Xenu, boss of the Galactic Confederacy, dined with Tom Cruise during the former’s once-in-a-75-million year visit to Teegeeack and was shot at by a passing pack of pissed-off Thetans. Good old Xenu (‘Xe’ to his mates) promptly plugged them and returned to his stuffed quail as if nothing had happened.
  • How many heads of state walk around armed? Leaves only: Arafat, Ghaddafi, Stalin, Mao, Castro, Pol Pot. Nixon????
  • I don’t know, but he gets 10 points.
  • I’m guessing it was Idi Amin or Margaret Thatcher.
  • I’m not kidding, I was there and I saw this. It was Queen Elizabeth. She returned fire, did a ninja roll using a couple of Ladies-In-Waiting as a screen then peeled off behind the Lord Chancellor. All the time screaming catchphrases from Die Hard.
  • In 1931, Zog was attacked outside the Wiener Statsoper, (scarcely ‘an official function’). The king and his bodyguards returned fire against the Albanian hitmen.
  • It happened in 1931 when King Zog spent a night at the opera
  • let’s be idiot’s and make war day
  • No idea, but I’m going to say George W. Bush. Now I have to kill the U.S. president just so I am right. Thank you, Dr. Bob.
  • Of course it was King Zog of Albania. It’s considered more rude in Albania to be without a gun than to be without underwear, therefore the answer to May West’s famous question in Albania will always be ‘Yes’.
  • Old Zoggy again at the opera in Vienna – like the other 54 attempts they missed (probably because he was invisible through his in a cloud of tobacco smoke)
  • Pope John Paul II. I wish they had YouTube back then.
  • Probably when Cheney was a kid
  • Saddam Hussein
  • Some communist dude, like King Kong-il or whatever his name is. Them reds is always reddy for it, eh? Forgive me pun.
  • Survival of the fittest, I guess, is the Darwinian connection. It was Pope John-Paul, forgetting, in the heat (and blast) of the moment that his particular genetic lineage was at an end anyway and no evolutionary purpose was served by his not being shot. He was otherwise meticulously rational.
  • thats not the point; he or she was obviously not a good shot or we would know them as a hero for being the only head of state to kill their assassin so this question does not count
  • This occurred in 1931 while King Zog was visiting the Vienna opera house for a performance of Pagliacci. The attackers struck whilst Zog was getting into his car, and he survived by drawing his own pistol (which he always carried) and firing back at his would-be assassins
  • What chief of state would have been indecent enough to pull his “pistol” out of his pants and “fire” upon an assassin?
  • When spiderman attacked under the influence of the symbiote
  • Winston who has a cigar size named after him, dont know where..
  • Yjbonk Gabbaskluuky, Prime Minister of the Democratic Dictatorship of Giberia, took a shot at the 1987 Annual Conference of the Gibberish Society of Retards.
  • Zog

Question 5

When Sir Cliff Richard is driving his car around London, how does he know that God is looking after him?


Did nobody else see him on Top Gear like I did?!! He always finds that the M25 Ring Motorway is clear of traffic

Additional Answers

  • A quick check in the rearview mirror asserts his faith in botox and the Lord Almighty.
  • As long as his St.Christopher medal keeps warbling ‘God Save the Queen’ he knows he’s ok.
  • because every time a traffic light changes, he believes it’s Zog winking at him
  • Because everytime he goes near a pedestrian the pedesrian yells “my God, you idiot” well, thats what they say to me and I think that whilever gods on my side i can drive on the footpath if i want.
  • Because he goes so fast!
  • because he never crash him self just other people
  • Because he’s deluded.
  • Because He’s sitting right there beside him in the passenger’s seat, riding shotgun in His Hell’s Angels outfit and giving all those that come within cooee of the car an almighty smite.
  • Because his bumper sticker says so and that settles it.
  • Because no paparazzi know who he is.
  • Because, after him, lightening bolts keep hitting in his path, missing him.
  • God has already smitten two Beatles on his behalf. What more evidence do you skeptic need???!!!
  • God is always looking out for the Utter King of Albania, or even Rock & Roll
  • Has a St Christopher medal dangling from the rear view mirror
  • He can change lanes without indicating, stop at random and drive at 10 mph, and he’s never crashed. He has, however, seen plenty of crashes around him…
  • He doesn’t crash into anything, despite being smashed drunk; therefore, this is 100% proof of a superior being and disproof of any possibility of evolution, big bangs or other unworthy things.
  • He don’t crash into NOTHIN’!
  • He finds a parking place?
  • He has not crashed yet. Further signs of a cruel god.
  • He is plainly on drugs
  • he smokes two bongs and three joints before he drives, that way he can think that all sorts of people are looking out for him (yeah right, like his god is any better than mine and mine dont look after me, no matter how many drugs i take)
  • He’s rich and doesn’t drive his car of a cliff.
  • His radio doesn’t play the Spice girls
  • Jesus Christ, what possible connection could this have with Darwin?? Wait… is it because he doesn’t get pinged 8 pounds a day and that means God strikes blind the man who… and Darwin puzzled over the design of the eye, which isn’t that good anyway, and….oh I give up. It’s too hard Dr Bob.
  • People don’t come out and throw stones at him? Music lovers don’t come after him with suicide bombs? He disguises himself as King Zog and no-one notices? He mysteriously avoids traffic jams and he always gets a parking space?
  • Peter Pan told him so
  • plastic jesus on the dashboard…Ive got a little ‘buddy jesus’ on my dash board see movie Dogma
  • Raindrops keep falling on his head
  • Rosemary beads on the rear-vision mirror, fiving him divine driving rights, similar to all the lunatic drivers in Sydney.
  • Somebody has to because the hooker in the back is only looking after her drugs
  • The traffic lights are all green

Question 6

Who’s this?


Who else – King Zog of Albania

Additional Answers

  • A dude with, quite possibly, the coolest moustachio on the face of the planet, ever.. or Cliff Richard’s dad.
  • A non-blind straight Icelandic guy trying to look cool. Hey, I thought we’d left that quite some time ago!
  • A very young Shah Reza Pahlevi at an Adolf Hitler lookalike contest. He came in last, but really showed them in the rematch.
  • Charles Darwin playing the lead, and spookily prescient, role of Count Chromosome in a futuristic Footlights Revue at Cambridge.
  • Dr. Bob – The dark years.
  • Dr. Bob, during one of his spells of megalomania.
  • Gay Hitler
  • Great Uncle King Zog of Albania….you can see an obvious family resemblance…if you squint
  • Head pilot of Kurdistan International Airways.
  • Hitler
  • Hitlers son?
  • Hmmmm. The yellow fingers, the stained teeth, the wheezing breaths – must be King Zog I of Albania
  • Hooray, a picture I recognise. It bears a remarkable resemblance to the aforementioned tobacco addict – Ahmet Muhtar Bey Zogolli. I forgot to mention earlier that they were perfumed cigarettes he smoked (but you could probably tell that just by looking at him) but it could be his spouse – Queen Gertrude wearing the traditional Albanian royal moustache.
  • If he has a cigarette in his right hand, it might be Zog.
  • It’s a sheila passing herself off as a bloke! And she is DECORATED!
  • It’s my grandfather Ahmet. Where’s my royal inheritance?
  • Joe Tripodi in Kindy. He’s put on a bit of weight since then.
  • Juan T. Angle
  • Julia Gillard– like that was hard
  • King Zog
  • King Zog of Albania
  • King Zog, sans fag, sans holster.
  • Looks like Kaiser Wilhelm of World War One fame. Of course it could be the World’s Heaviest Smoker after he got cancer and lost 200kg. Nope, it’s Xenu in full dress uniform ready to meet Tom Cruise for an official dinner.
  • ludwig von drake
  • Marlene Dietrich
  • Monsieur Charles de Gaulle. Well, he’s got the moustache anyway.
  • One of the Mael brothers
  • Peter Garrett- the environmental worrior
  • Sacha Baron Cohen in his new movie about World War I: The Red Baron: Aerial Learnings of Europe for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Germany
  • this person is julia gillard; it was when her hair was cut short if you cant pick it. julia needed to get close to someone who promised the world and was never going to deliver so she thought why not get with it!!
  • Zog the Albanian Smoker. Hey, I though Zog was an alien’s name! On second thoughts, he looks freakish enough to be one.
  • Zog!


  • Brave Sir Robert, I must say I was very impressed by your lengthy response to my comments on the Feb quiz, and I am deeply sorry for the distress caused by the long “S”es I used in the same. Seriously, you shouldn’t have gone to all that trouble just because of some outdated old letter. I mean, I thought, if letters like Thorn and Eth work (and they need to, when discussing Iceland!), why shouldn’t long S? Obviously I was mistaken. As for my name, just use my pseudonym. P.S. What does “Sweete Bugger All” refer to? [To the magnitude of the prize that you would get, or rather would not get, if you won]
  • Are you really a Doctor..?I have this rash….. [Oooo rash what? Sister?]
  • Bleerthk!
  • Could you make the number at the bottom a 7-digit number? I think I could make a lot of new friends for both of us by phoning the number each month and saying Dr. Bob referred me.
  • From “Feedback” column in Nude Scientist – Zapping flies with lasers – ONE OF those inevitable questions on a slow day in the laser lab is: can you really zap flies with a laser beam? snip snip snip…….. Feedback’s favourite response was posted by Steve Roberts, who replied with what is clearly the voice of experience: it takes “20 to 60 watts of scanning q-switched blue-green light, and don’t ask how I know”. Roberts reported that he “hated sweeping up piles of the dead things in front of the laser booth”. The beam “fries the wings, not the shell, so they crash down and wiggle around till they die, which is a long time”.Is this our own much loved Dr Bob? [No!] Shame – it would have been a wonderful trivia connection. I am in a small motorcycle club with 3 – 3!!! count them – with my name. Confusion abounds. Luckily I am the best dressed/looking/breeding re Zog family connection. [Well if I had a small motorcyle I wouldn’t join a club. And 3!!! = 6!! = 720! = a lot]
  • Good quiz
  • HAWKWIND RULES until recently [Cripes, what happened recently?] Oh, really nothing happened, except that I ‘ve hadn’t submitted answers. As far as I know, Hawkwind STILL rules. Now, if they would only tour the States again………
  • Hey, me number’s 811563 today. I think it be very auspicious. Don’t keep me waiting, Dr Bob, tell me what does this mean about my future?
  • Hmmm
  • hope you like my answers by he way hittler would only half kill me because i only have one blue eye
  • I told you that last month was the last time I ever do this quiz sober.
  • I’ll believe you, Dr Bob, but thousands wouldn’t. My knowledge of Darwin’s life and times is unsurpassed, but just between you and me, I don’t think I got all these questions right.
  • I’m dying to know who the woman is, Tell me!!!
  • If Arizona U.S. Senator John McCain is elected President Of The United States and orders an invasion of Iran, will Australia obey his orders and send soldiers to die there too? [No]
  • Just saw that the bloody security number below this box is missing its first digit. I bet as soon as I hit ‘Send’ that the bloody Skeptics computer will wipe everything and I’ll have to re-keyboard the lot. Let’s see…
  • Last min answers ftw.
  • much better, what does monty python have to do with CD though?
  • My brother made me do this, honestly…
  • nice one
  • Nice one, the I.T. boys will probably be querying why I googled “Islamic Tourism”.
  • Nice to see a move from Iceland to Albania! About time Albanian’s got some recognition, after all, any country that reveres Norman Wisdom as their favourite comedian of all time can’t be all bad – a little strange perhaps, but not all bad.
  • quite impossible to solve….
  • Sorry I could only be sure of two, Bob. (The question marks are simply through inherent modesty.
  • These answers are dedicated to the pubescence of ex-King Zog.
  • This quiz is too hard i don’t know any of the answers
  • Titanic. Hitler. Where was my Iceland question?
  • Too hard this month!Only correct entry was “Please type the number here”
  • tops
  • very besar [Like your spelling]
  • We were not amused by the other questions so did not lower ourselves to answer them.
  • We’re going for 14 days straight over 35 – woo hoo!! [for those of you not knowing the context – this refers to the temperature in Adelaide. Any hotter and the churches will melt]