ANSWERS July 2008. I’m trying to get a theme in the quiz each month, bu the picture questions are very hard to fit in with that. Guess what this month’s (August) theme is?
For July the theme was Jokes, oh yes indeed, and one of the big jokes is that I gave away one of the answers in a previous quiz … but nobody reads the old answers [sob]. There were some good ones, as ever, thanks everybody. I congratulate myself on posing such an obscure British joke (from BBC radio, no less) in Q3 that nobody knew it …. And our WINNER this month is a fellow Melburnian, digger up of old answers, active supporter of the Long Now foundation, and welcome to the triple-winners club –
What question has the answer: “9W”
“Herr Wagner, do you spell your name with a V?”
- What did Angela Merkel say to GWB after his neck massage throttling attempt?
- “Dr. Wiener, do you spell your name with a V?”
- “If your car crashed into a route sign on England’s longest motorway and you ended up alive but inverted in the ditch alongside it, what would the sign say?”
- “Mr Haigh, you were a maths teacher in the IGGS middle school between 1980 and 1986. If during that time, you had been issued with a claymore anti-personnel mine to use on the class you most dreaded teaching, which class would that have been?”
- “Try up a bit” “Here?” “No, not quite. To the left a little,” “What, like 2 O’clock? Look, if you stop squirming it will be easier.” “Ow! Get off! That’s my urethra. Gräfenberg was off his nut!” “Bugger, I’ve lost the page… what did it say the co-ordinates were again?”
- 9 x W =
- ah, the old reverse question answer question……i reckon the question is ” what is after eight and before x” Yay, I got one correct, yayayayyayayay
- Do you spell vacuum with two Us or just one Herr Doctor Fischer?
- Dr. Wiener, do you spell your name with a V?
- If you’er looking for an answer that simple is there any reason to ask the question in the first place?
- Some physics question.
- What Route would I take to go from the George Washington Bridge up to Albany, NY?
- What is the name of the gallery Paul Rodgers owns in NYC?
- This question!
- UA Route 9W. It crosses the states of New York to New Jersey
- What comes after 8 degrees West? [It depends which way you are heading]
- What comes after 8V
- what comes before 10X?
- What comes next in this series: 6T, 7U, 8V, … ?
- What does M6 look like when you tip it upside down?
- What is 356 in base 36 (using all letters)?
- What is Dr Bob’s shoe size?
- What is the IATA code for Jet Airlines.
- What is the next alphanumeral along in the series: 6T, 7U, 8V . . . ?
- what is the square root of 81W^2?
- What is the tenth digit (zero is first) in hindu-arabic numbers and the twenty-third letter of the roman alphabet.
- What size LED bulb would I need to replace this 70W incandescent bulb?http://www.treehugger.com/files/2007/02/led_bulb_replac.php
- What size shoe do you wear?
- What size would i like my breasts? a 9 double v (9VV)
- You are at the George Washington Bridge in New Jersey. The nearest “Grits-r-Us” is in Albany , New York. What route would you take? The answer ” I’ll take the missus, she stood by me in the floods” is only acceptable in Australia
- What is the latitude of Iceland?
What is long, thin and sticky?
- A a stick [A-a-g was last month]
- A chameleon’s tongue.
- A stick (How many people will give this answer I wonder?)
- A Stick!
- A stick.
- A Stick.
- A Stick. I hated that joke when it I first had the displeasure of hearing it circa 1984
- A sticky finger bun
- A thread of a spider’s web.
- A used ear bud??
- Aaah, oooh, Dr Bob, you are sooo naughty!
- An anteater’s tongue.
- An earthworm. Charles Darwin’s last book was about them.
- An emaciated stick.
- Butterfly tongues, peppermint sticks and Tijuana sex performers’ penises
- Dr Bob’s hair after a raw egg dropped from one of the balconies that feature so prominently in Melbourne crashes on top of his head.
- Er…. a stick? Maybe a chocolate eclair qualifies, too. Mine are normally quite thin, I’m not much good at choux pastry, although they taste all right. What about a profiterole after someone has stood on it and skidded and turned it into a streak on the kitchen floor? That last one is definitely the saddest.
- First an answer to many questions. Now a question with many answers. An anteaters tongue. A half-chewed piece of taffy. A popsicle stick after you have finished the popsicle. A garden hose dipped in glue. Poop, I can’t think of another one. Wait-a-minute…
- Fried worm in honey, yum.
- Goldfish faeces.
- I’m not sure, but I want one!
- Kevin Dudd’s hair?
- My yoga mat! An eat-anter tongue! A butterfly proboscis! Mick Jagger in the morning! A pet Phasmid (stick-y, get it?!?) Sigh. Zero-for-two so far…
- Pinocchio’s nose.
- Properly done spaghetti.
- The arms and legs of a sufferer of Stickler Syndrome. Or a stick, if you want to be a stickler for the common answer.
- Wet spaghetti
- Whatever probe you used to try to perform the operation mentioned above.
- You dirty bad old man!
- You’re so game asking this one, let me guess, something that is not short, thick and smooth. Nah, I reckon a basketball team in the Gibson desert.
What famous opera features a happy cow?
Answer WHICH NOBODY GOT 🙂
Lohengrin. I think it was Terry Wogan that cracked this one … “low” being the verb for mooing, as in Away In A Manger “The cattle are lowing, the baby awakes….”
- “Aida”. Amneris is a right cow, and seems to be happy about it, especially when she’s being mean to Aida. (Of course, as soon as Radames is condemned to death, she’s sorry, how operatic is that?)
- “La Bovinea de Ecstatic” featuring the “Dance of the Flatulent Ruminants” as the closing number. Parental guidance recommended. Contains nudity and coarse language.
- Bizet’s CarMOOn?
- Rossini’s The BaaBaa of Seville? (whoops wrong animal – I’ll heifer another go)
- Puccini’s La Bovine?
- All of them, usually they are singing though
- All of them. I always assumed the fat lady sings because she’s happy.
- Any with Montserrat Caballe in it.
- Anything by Moozart
- Cash Cow (A Rock Opera In Three Small Acts) by Steve Taylor
- Cash Cow, a Rock Opera by Steve Taylor.
- Certainly not the one on “Farmer wants a wife” getting preg. tested.
- Der Kuhhandel (A Kingdom for a Cow)
- Don’t know, but the stage is going to get slippery. Happy cows have happy digestive tracts!
- Don’t they all have a fat chick?
- Erik Lindstroem’s Glasshouse Affair: One day, a carefree young Swedish farmhand discovered a space portal in his Dunnihuset (outhouse) that took him to the unbearably hot deserts of Saudi Arabia, where he saw a cow with a demented grin playing with a Wii inside an air-conditioned glass building, in the middle of nowhere. But wait a minute… How did the cow manage to play the Wii? Well, it’s quite simple really, etc, etc
- Holy Cow
- I do not know! I am aware of some non famous (at least to me) ones with cows: Steve Taylor’s Cash Cow (a Rock Opera In Three Small Acts),Kurt Weill’s Arms and the Cow, or even this one http://media.www.utahstatesman.com/media/storage/paper243/news/2005/03/11/Features/Kindergarten.Children.Create.And.Perform.Their.Own.Opera-892560.shtml
- I know this one!! Huzza! And it’s a hidden Nazi reference.La Vache Qui Rit= La Wal-ky-rie = Wagnerian opera = Nazi reference = prost!
- In Praise of Learning by Henry Cow. Music by Slapp Happy thus Happy/Cow
- La mucca felice
- Moolin Rouge? No, sorry, that’s the place where it was first staged. The opera is ‘Swan Lactate’.
- Mozzarella, the Opera of the Musical from the Play of the book.
- Old MacDonald had a Farm.
- Rosie O’Donnell Wins the Lottery.
- Sound of music. Im sure there were some cows smiling while julie andrews was singing on that mountain. Though may be a bit far fetched calling it an opera.
- The fat women in operas dont seem happy to me eva..so none.
- The Magic Flute by Mozart
- The one where she jumps over the moon
- The one with the fat cow
- Wagner’s Der Ring des Nibelungen. She sings the aria at the end… [And then leaps into a bonfire. The prospect would not cheer me up very much]
- Which one doesn’t?
- William TellRanz de vaches
- You really shouldn’t call Carmen a cow, you know.
An advert on a Melbourne tram for eye drops began “When Bill and Ben went outside in the dusty summer heat, their eyes began to water. “What should we do?” said Bill.” Now, some wag with a Texta had written a brilliant answer to this … can anyone do better?
Stop smoking Weed … OK, now I see that I already gave this one away in the answers for Feb 2003. Does anybody read my old answers? Clearly, I don’t 😦
- “Move back to Melbourne” said Ben
- ‘Til Ben hit him with a soggy otter.’ Hmm, but ‘long’ appears in the answers . . .’Said Ben, ‘Let’s git along and ask my optometrist daughter’.
- “Ease up on those pliers we’re crushing each other’s nuts with,” replied Ben.
- “Forget jogging today, let’s get back into the air conditioning and have a beer.”
- “Lets slip the weed a rohypnol and uproot her.”
- “Lets try blinking” or “We should wash our eyes with this new product, Aqua for men”
- “Stay inside” said Ben.
- “Stop snorting osmocote” said Ben
- a) stop crying b) get girlfriends (unless they’re gay) (the story says they are going out together) c) drink their tears so at least they’re not thirsty d) go inside
- drink the eyedrops and only one of your eyes will be sore
- Either stop smoking bongs before work or buy some clear-eyes.
- f*** off back inside
- Flobadob, Ickle-antdisterdikleaminekle
- Get sunglasses
- Go back inside you dumb bastards then
- Go back inside.
- Grow a pair.
- I cannot.
- I’d suggest a little weed, but it’s gone to pot.
- It had to be some comment about watering eyes as a result of smoking all that Weeeeeeeed, so I’ll have to think of something else… what else would make their eyes water… “We should use more lube next time”? “Let’s get upwind of the cops with the capsicum spray”? “Avoid wearing g-string underwear”? “Stop doing Google searches for nude photos of Margaret Thatcher”?
- Maybe _someone_ can do better, but, seeing as I don’t know what the guy actually wrote, I don’t exactly know what to define as “better.” YOU could do better at wording your questions, Dr Bob!
- Move to Perth?
- Nope. I was going to use a line that ended on “you would’ve swallowed that” but thought better of it.
- Put eye-drops on their eyeballs.
- Shut them.
- Stop crying!
- Stop cutting these onions for a start
- Stop smoking the Ganga maaaaannn….
- Stop smoking weed
- The chances are good
- Umm,,wear sunglasses?
- Well, interesting re-use! The original answer, as entered in a Dr Bob response February 2003, was “Stop Smoking Weed”. Maybe something like “Go back to our flowerpots!”
“The speed bumps in our street don’t work at all – they … … … “
The speed bumps in our street don’t work at all – they slow you down [this was a letter in VIZ magazine]
- – they….just sit there, dont bump a thing”
- –contain absolutely NO heroin. –just lie there slagging off all day long.
- . . . are merely driven over at high speeds.
- … make the driving worthwhile.”
- … slow the traffic down, not speed it up”
- …just lay there.” I can’t take full credit for this answer. I got the idea from my ex-wife.
- …just lie there, completely motionless, the lazy bastards, they’re supposed to rip the entire drive chain out of any hoon’s car, but nooooo, they just sit there looking paved, and only destroyed one diff a week (and that was with help from a fortuitously placed brick), I tell you if I didn’t sit out there after dark with the shotgun and the flame-thrower, they wouldn’t have any deterrent value at all. Well, that’s the speed bumps in my street, anyway.
- …still have their axles.
- ..have to be replaced every time we use the snow plough.
- “…are painted on the asphalt to look like speed bumps but aren’t really speed bumps because bus drivers don’t like to shake up their passengers like all speed bumps shake up passengers when they are actual speed bumps and not painted speed bumps which is why they don’t work at all but at least bus passengers in our street have a more comfortable ride and for that small mercy I suppose we should all be thankful bloody hell I’m sounding just like James Joyce so I’ll stop now “
- “…they don’t stand up to snow plows.”
- “The speed bumps in our street don’t work at all – they SLOW us down!”
- are just like my wife
- are too low/small
- because drivers are usually too pissed to notice them
- decrease speed, and as such shouldn’t be called “Speed bumps”
- don’t sell speed.
- Have become potholes!
- just become a game to see who can get their car to be in the air for the longest time
- just drive right over them.
- just lay there. [There’d be eggs all over the road then]
- just lie there.
- just make the cars go higher
- just sit there
- just sit there all day. GET A JOB, SPEED BUMPS!!!
- just sleep all day..
- Just slow us down (Did you know the Kiwis call them “Judder bars”?) hehehe
- keep getting carted off, leaving only chalk outlines on the street and bewildered coppers walking about.
- only encourage hoons to ‘get air’
- only slow down ambulances and fire trucks.
- should confiscate their mobility scooters to slow them down.
- should have been placed across the road, not lengthways
- shred my tyres
- slow cars down.
- slow me down.
- Slow me down. In case this is a George Carlin gag I will refrain from making a smart ass comment in memory of him.
- slow us down
- The speed bumps in our street don’t work at all – they slow me f-ckin’ down. [So go for a drive in the car instead]
This “Clock of the Long Now” was built in 1999 and was designed to run for very many years, as a protest against the current fashion for short-term corporate vision. What tiresome question was asked of its designer, and what was the reply?
Is it Year 2,000 compliant? – and the reply: Yes, and it is also Year 10,000 compliant
- Finally after years and years a photo I think I know! The photo is a prototype for the Clock of the Long Now. The person usually spoke of as the design is Danny Hillis (although really it isn’t a single designer project.) Anyway, the question is usually “Why bother?” The answer? Hillis puts it this way. When the old oak beams in the ceiling of College Hall at New College, Oxford, needed replacing last century, carpenters cut the new beams from oak trees planted for just that purpose five hundred years earlier by the original fourteenth century builders. Hillis wonders who’s planting our oaks.
- “But where are the hands?””They’re on the ends of your arms.”
- “How do you read it?””Apparently, “you” don’t, idiot.”
- “How do you tell the time from that?” “You don’t. That’s the whole point.”
- “How does it show the time?””That’s not the point, it is to protest against corporations”
- “When will it break?” “At the end of time”
- What question are you trying to ask?OK, people of the future, here is a part of me that I want to preserve, and maybe the clock is my way of explaining it to you: I cannot imagine the future, but I care about it. I know I am a part of a story that starts long before I can remember and continues long beyond when anyone will remember me. I sense that I am alive at a time of important change, and I feel a responsibility to make sure that the change comes out well. I plant my acorns knowing that I will never live to harvest the oaks.
- Does it tell time? It’ll tell you to sod off.
- How do you tell the time?You have to wait 1000 years to hear the next cuckoo.
- How long will it work for? A long time!
- how many batteries has it got and how long do they last?
- How much did it cost? A: ‘I don’t know, into the millions now.’Or: Does it come in red? Why is it called the Clock of the Long Now? And who’s ‘Now’, and is he single?
- Is it analogue or digital? The reply was a swift punch to the head.
- Is it Y2K proof?Not only that, it’s Y10K proof!
- Jezus, will you look at that. What do you suppose the time is?
- Okay, picking a question out of several possibilities: “What question are you really trying to ask?” to which he replied that he’d never thought of the clock as a question, it was more of an answer, although he wasn’t sure to what. If I’d been him, I’d probably have said “Well, what I’d like to find out is this: if I had an infinite number of pompous old farts with an infinite number of typewriters, would they be able to type a sensible question before the year 10,000 CE? I hope this clock will help me answer that. My next project is to clone you. A lot.”
- Q: “When do you think it will run to?” A: “Just a microsecond before it stops”
- Q: Why does your clock look so… psychodelic? How will that help it last for 10000 years? A: I was on shrooms. 10000 whats?
- Q. “When you built it, did they come? A. “No”
- Q. “Where are the numbers”? A. “That’s the POINT”!
- Q. That’s nice, Danny, but why can’t you just write a computer program to do the same thing? A. The only clocks that have ever really survived over the long run (like the water clock of Su Sung, or the giant hourglass of Uqbar) have survived in books, drawings, and stories.
- Q.how does it show time?
- Question “What about daylight saving ?” “I don’t use it, it makes the cows fade”
- So how the **** are you actually supposed to tell the time?
- so hows the clock going? not long now?… (???)
- The first 675 times he was asked if the clock will outlast him he simply said yes. The 676th time he brained the reporter with the clock shattering both the clock and the reporter’s skull while saying “No, but it will outlive you!”
- The query was regarding sale price. The reply was non-verbal, and resulted in assault charges.
- the question was ” what time is it?” and the answer was “its time to do something about pesky journalists” and the answer to that was ” we need to do something about the way people spell” and the reply to that was f off
- the question was “how does it attach to your wrist?” the answer was that it was designed for people with no arms silly
- The question was, “Do you prefer the name ‘Long Now’ or 10,000 year clock?” The answer was, “You just don’t get it, do you? How did you even get in here? Can someone please check this man’s invitation? Where is security when you need it? Get me a drink!”
- What is the time? Answer: Time to get a new clock! Brilliant (alternatively: Hair past a freckle & turning into a mole).
- Why does your clock look like an erect penis? Drop the l….
- why?……… We live in a very short “now” and I think we have really cheated ourselves by doing that. So what I wanted was a project that lasted beyond my own lifetime – like the people who built the great cathedrals of Europe – starting something that their grandchildren would finish
- Will it crash when the millennium bug hits?
- What time is it – what time would you like it to be
And finally, here’s What Every Quizmaster Dreads – and there’s often one like this –
- Not sure about your Q6, I am aware of the y2000 question (I am a charter member of the Long Now) anyway one quoted answer to that is “It’s also the first computer that is year 10 000 compliant!” or something similar as I have seen several versions.
- *hugs Dr. Bob*
- All are my well researched answers are to be taken as seriously as my research.
- Can we go to Sydney to annoy the Catholics for their World Yoof Week, can we, can we, huh, huh, huh, can we can we can we can we huh, huh, can we can we can we?
- first time i have done this and probably not good answers but i enjoyed it and that is the main thing
- ha, what a laugh, I have to do another to laugh
- Hello , This is my first time, I hope it is not too serious 🙂
- hope u r not racist…
- I apologise profusely for the answer to q1 (and the inevitable corollary in q2).
- I can’t believe it, Dr Bob. I’ve seen a lot of your past quizzes – and you still haven’t included a question on our Dear Leader George Bush? [But it’s so hard to find anything mysterious, or interesting, or cheerful on that topic] I expect one next month. If not, in the name of everyone’s liberty you shall be sent to Gitmoes.
- In the USA on our sports networks we can see things like Australian rules football at 2, or 3AM when there is no major sports news. What is on Australian sports networks late at night?
- Interesting quiz as always – thank you!
- My timely (pun intended) answers are sure to make me the winner for humour alone…
- No idea about that last one but thanks for introducing me to the clock of the long now.
- Thanks for the quiz! The questions were really hard. This is the first time I’ve done one, so I didn’t know what to expect, but it was great. I’ll be back next month!
- This blonde sashayed into a bar and said to the barman, “Gimme a Double Entendre”. So he gave it to her.
- What happens if you put Himalayan Rock Salt in with your Himalayan Gojjijjji juice? Will I be cured of this persistent doubt I have that the Chinese intervention in Tibet was not in the best interests of the local populace?
- Would Australia welcome a visit from either McCain or Obama before the USA election day, to show connection with Oceania’a concerns? They both might visit Latin America for election reasons, would their visits to Australia be welcome?