Answers for December 2007

In December 2007’s scatological quiz, the WINNER (if that is the right word) is –

Edi Winkler

of Adelaide, the City of Churches. When Edi is caught short in the streets, he can easily creep into a crypt and crap.


Question 1

Why did Adolf Hitler fart more than usual on 30 December 1944?

Answer

He had green pea soup for lunch (according to Goebbels Diary: “Heute hat der Fuhrer Erbsezuppe fur Mittagessen … Ach mein Fuhrer, so schwer ist meine Freude, ich wallow in der stench of Dein very Farts!!!)

Additional Answers

  • Beans, beans, the musical fruit,The more you eat, the more you toot;The more you toot, the better you feel, Lets have beans for every meal.
  • Beans, beans, good for your heart, the more you eat, the more you …..
  • Because he realised that the rest of the world had it in for him and he figured he may as well start getting it out of his system
  • Because, in order to prepare for his army’s second wind at the Battle of the Bulge (started exactly a fortnight earlier), Adolf needed to rid his own bulge of the first.
  • Being a vegetarian, the only non-meat tucker available 30/12 was beans.
  • Berlin bunker
  • Early in December, Hitler’s mad doctor Theodore Morrell had corresponded with a cardiologist, who had suggested that Hitler may have had an albumin deficiency and recommended a couple of treatments. Since, as we all know, egg whites are albumin, I bet Morrell would have trebled Hitler’s normal quantity of eggs. (Hitler must have been as allergic or intolerant to some foods as he was to racial groups. Aspergers’ and ADHD support groups fall over themselves to claim luminaries like Einstein as fellow sufferers, but you don’t see the Coeliac Society proudly owning Hitler’s gut…)
  • End of the battle of the Bulge which he lost
  • He ate too many beans
  • He ate too many sausages and baked beans the day before. Plus, he was scared that the Russians were coming and couldn’t control himself.
  • He ate too much sauerkraut
  • He celebrated moving to new headquarters that month by throwing a massive boose-up for himself and his 50 closest officers.
  • He had a heavy lunch
  • He had too many onions for dinner.
  • He PASSED GAS (don’t use the “f” word!) more than usual because of “Bomber” Harris making a raid overhead. [Oh, sorry to breach the etiquette conventions of Kentucky. Like Mr Borat, I would not be invited to those wonderfully opulent Southern dinners …. ]
  • He was getting ready to shit himself, because it looked like he was going to lose the Ardennes offensive.
  • His bowels were losing the Battle of the Bulge. All jokes about “gas” would be just too tasteless.
  • His doctor gave him strong laxatives
  • In the morning or the afternoon? If it was am I’d have to say probably nerves. He had rather a big day that day didn’t he? I’d be farting nervously too.
  • Is it really possible to search out this answer? [Yes, with a torch and crowbar]. Google has a lot to answer for. So without even attempting to look it up, he was loading up on baked beans so as to accompany his favourite Wagner Opera.
  • Oktoberfest sausage leftovers were not required to be labeled with expiration dates until 1962 in the the DDR and not until reunification in the Bundesrepublik.
  • Roosevelt ok’d nuclear bombing raids.
  • Stress
  • Taking part in an oompah band, Adolf had left his tuba on the nightstand. ( I bet you get many responses of this tone..)
  • The Germans launched their “Nordwind” offensive the next day…Hitler wanted to contribute.
  • Too many baked beans consumed,in anticipation of the last day of the year. Just too much excitement in general?
  • We’ll, some days we all fart more, don’t we? He was only human, like all of us.
  • Well he was the world’s greatest Ar–Hole.
  • He’d just returned from Venus, so he was suffering effects of decompressurisation as Venus has a denser atmosphere and so as the gasses inside him expanded, he farted.

Question 2

Melbourne’s sewage works is at Werribee [30 km away].  At what time of day is the “rush hour” when the most stuff arrives there?

Answer

About 10am (everybody flushes around 7am-8am & it takes 2-3 hours to flow through)

Additional Answers

  • Let r = the rate of sewage in km/hr.Let a = the average hour most Melbournites wake up.Let c = the length of the sewage canal between Melbourne and Werribee.Then the time peak time, p, is given by:c/r + a = p
  • “Stuff”? Your euphemism is far too obscure for poor old moi [sorry, I was trying not offend our sensitive American cousins] but, knowing your predilections for Arseland, Pee Glass and other bodily functions, I suspect you may mean “turds”. As for the time of day for rush hour at Werribee, I’d expect it to be just a short sewer pipe journey’s time after the Victorian Parliament has risen after, er, sitting.
  • 7am, people wake up, then poop.
  • 7.30am
  • 8 am
  • 8:11 AM
  • 9am
  • 10 am,the traditional Aussie smoko break,even though hardly anyone smokes anymore.
  • 11.00 am
  • 6 pm
  • 6:30pm, everyone gets home & “relaxes”.
  • About 10am .. it probably takes “the stuff” a couple of hours to get there from the western and inner suburbs.
  • About five minutes after the early edition talk shows start on the telly
  • After breakfast, and before the first meeting of the business day!
  • Around 10am by the time the stuff from the northern suburbs (which enters the system around 8am) travels to Werribee
  • At 2 am, when all those who have eaten a cheap pie floater after midnight experience a very strong urge…
  • At a leisurely 2-4pm in the afternoon, so it disturbs any afternoon-napping birds.
  • Daily, after 8 am. This year, two minutes after Australia lost in the rugby world cup quarter finals.
  • Did you know that in pre-Internet days they used to estimate the number of people watching a particular TV show by measuring exactly when and how much water arrived at the sewage works? The idea was that the peaks (so to speak) in the arrival times would coincide with the commercial breaks. True or not, it’s a good story, n’est ce pas? [Yes …. those were the days – Now they are measuring how much cocaine is in the water]
  • I mainly get the s***** during “A Current Affair” so i would say 6.30pm.
  • If I knew where Werribee was I could work it out but I’d say between 8 and 9am.
  • In the evening, when the two-metre-wide maccas consumers finally find the courage (or the desperation) to sit their fat bums on their fragile, non-reinforced toilet seats, is when most of the stuff gets unloaded. However, given the numerous unavoidable delays in Melbourne’s complex sewerage network (especially at traffic lights and roundabouts), I’d say the muck arrives at Werribee about a day later.
  • In the morning
  • Lets say 4pm – 5pm
  • Morning wastes arrive at around noon?
  • Probably around 09:00, I mean people have breakfast, go to work and spend the next hour in the can avoiding early morning meetings, and water cooler/brew room discussions of last nights telly, or sport.
  • Surprisingly, it’s solid from 5.30am to 10am. Don’t believe me? Check the 2GB website.
  • The banana-faced eunoia incredibly talks an unconstitutional cigar tree.
  • The morning, when people go to the bathroom after having slept all night.
  • When the news comes on, and people hear George Bush’s latest “executive decisions”.
  • I don’t think I can top my c/r + a = p answer from earlier this month.

Question 3

Emperor Nero forbade his dinner guests to nip out for a widdle, despite the duration and size of his feasts.  How did some men nevertheless find a way of cheating?

Answer

By feigning death and getting carried out for burial, whereupon they revived and could take a leak

Additional Answers

  • Actually, this question highlights the appalling revision of the misunderstood Nero by historians with a bent for bowdlerising. Brave Nero “widdled” as he valiantly attempted to extinguish the Roman flames but has had bad press ever since because a pack of prissy historians changed one solitary word. That Gibbon bloke in particular has a lot to answer for.
  • An empty wine carafe would come in handy.
  • By going in their drinking cup. A toast to Emperor Nero!
  • Don’t tell me they peed in the same place they vomited. That’s just gross. What if someone else needed to vomit there later? [Well, a well-aimed jet would tidy the place up. With ideas like this I would have been weclomed at Nero’s table and probably appointed Commissioner of Public Works]
  • Drinking it
  • Here we discover the origin of the shape of the urinal used in the hospital – like a wine flagon!
  • In their cups. [hence the expression: “they were in their cups”]
  • It was probably something unspeakable involving abuse of slaves, but they could have just worn black velvet – no-one could see the wet patches. I learned the virtues of black velvet when I was breastfeeding my eldest baby. I had this let down that could knock the eye from a cat three metres away. Breast pads would disintegrate within an hour, so every blouse I wore got soggy. The only solutions were black velvet and agoraphobia. [But other solutions come to mind, such as selling the baby, or using formula milk – not sure which is worse]
  • Out of the window.
  • Peed in a cup?
  • Peeing in their cups then pouring it onto the floor or a convenient pot plant
  • Piddling was forbidden but fellatio was not so they piddled while fellating and their “partners” either swallowed it or spat it out.
  • Piss in the wine?
  • Pissing in bottles
  • Reminds me of the episode of Blackadder, where they were loast at sea and they had to survive on Baldricks urine.. hilarious. Sorry, what was the question?
  • They has piss boys who inhabited the underneath of tables and who had bottles for blokes to pee into. What did the girls do???? Or didn’t they get invited to these dos?
  • They hid bottles in their togas and whipped one out for a piddle, well hidden under all that fabric, when needed.
  • They just peed on Nero, he was a kinky bugger.
  • They pissed into the goblets; Their foaming, alcoholic wee became the first beer. This recipe is still being followed in America.
  • They put a tube down one of their trouser legs and a potty under it. Luxu-ree!
  • They put diapers on to catch their urine.
  • They set fire to the table by knocking a candle over and then they had to put it out before it burnt the food
  • They urinated into the glass of the person to the left of them
  • They widdled into the plants
  • They would secretely pass urine while in the vomitorium making room for more feasting and libation.
  • They’d put their empty plates down on the floor, secretly, and widdle into them. How else?
  • Vomiting
  • Well there must be some truth to the reports that guests said “this wine tastes like p***”
  • Wineskins and ewers? Nero permitted slaves to complain against their masters, so I’m hoping/betting it doesn’t involve slave orifices.
  • With plenty of pot plants standing around, it was only natural to…
  • A bit disappointed you didn’t manage to fit in the reason for the death of Tycho Brahe here. Or is that coming later? [Oh yes. I’ll try for Halloween … Oh yes, there will be urine]

Question 4

Emperor Claudius planned to issue an edict concerning farting; what was the gist of it?

Answer

From the book, The Twelve Caesars: “The Roman emperor Claudius is said to have been so alarmed at the prospect of expiring while attempting to stifle one’s natural impulses that he considered issuing an imperial decree making it permissible to fart at the dinner table.”)

Additional Answers

  • “Anyone may fart if they sign up for the army.” Thus was born the despotic Farting Army!
  • “I came, I smelt, I conked out.” The Senate considered this plagiarism, so Claudius’ actual edict was the pathetic “Nil Fartum Est”, which is why no-one remembers it.
  • Anyone could fart if they did it in tune.
  • Breaking wind in public resulted in summary “Plugging”
  • Don’t spend new years eve with Hitler. [Sound advice indeed. You wouldn’t want to anyway. My history book says that in 1941 “the Russians recoiled from Hitler’s advances”]
  • Every person and animal was to have his/her hole plugged with a bung, to stop the methane escaping and damaging the ozone layer. This, unfortunately, caused constipation, leading to his famous quote:”No one is more miserable than the person who wills everything and can do nothing.”(Yes, he really did say that).
  • Farting was not allowed in the presence on the emperor
  • He considered issuing an edict permitting farting at banquets because he considered holding back a fart due to modesty to be “dangerous”.
  • He wanted to make farting at the dinner table legal and reasonable. Why? Apparently, because he was afraid of exploding or something. It didn’t catch on.
  • If there is anyone in the city of Rome/Whose bowels sound like a trombone/Cut off his head/and make sure he is dead/Nobody shall dare to smell bad.
  • If you must fart please do it in the toilet and quietly
  • Its ok to fart, its not ok to deny
  • Let it out, lest ye explode!
  • Never during the months of July and August out of respect to his ancestors.
  • No one was allowed to fart in front of Claudius, they had to wait until after his turn.
  • No smells.
  • Not in his presence
  • PASSING GAS (I said, don’t use that “f” word!) was forbidden outside of latrines.
  • Roman Emperor Claudius did pass a law legalising farting at banquets out of concern for people’s health. There was a widespread belief that a person could be poisoned or catch a disease by retaining farts. One for mythbusters?
  • That farting be acceptable whilst dining
  • That farting is healthy.
  • That farting is to be taxed. Progressively. The more you fart, the more it’s gonna cost you.
  • That you cannot fart before the emperor
  • The gist of it was “dont fart”
  • The gist? Bombs away, basically. The romans believed that repressing a fart could kill a person.
  • This question got me thinking about the Roman baths. Since they didn’t have jets like modern spas what did the Roman’s do when they needed to fart? I’m sure glad we live today!
  • Thou shalt not enter town shortly after returning from Venus.
  • Thou shalt not pass foul odours
  • To allow farting during meals
  • Veni, vidi, venti?

Question 5

At Scammell Spur in the Snowy Mountains, there was a lookout with a bush dunny.  Unlike other bush dunnies, this one had a flush mechanism and golden door handles.  Why?

Answer

The Queen visited the site

Additional Answers

  • Ahh the Golden Bog of Scammel Spur, fit for a Queen on opening day, or a fairy from Mardi Gras.
  • As part of the Snowy Mountains Hydroelectric Project.
  • Because Her Majesty would have planned to visit it, I would probably guess. Equality for all, as usual.
  • Because Her Royal Maj visited the area when the Snowy Hydro was being built, and you can’t expect the royal behind to use the sort of drop toilet you generally find at lookouts. I was just disappointed I couldn’t find an account of anyone trying to nick the door handles.
  • Because it could?
  • Because it was on stilts and everytime you flushed it the business was flushed out to unsuspecting victims below
  • Because someone was using it one day and thought “I know, how cool will it look if i make this thing flush? and I might even paint the door handle a funny colour whilst I am at it!!!” (the only thing is though he didnt use paint on the door handle!)
  • Because you wouldn’t expect Prince Charles to flap his pallid buttocks over a stinky old long drop, could you?
  • Belonged to the Comissioner
  • cors the proime minashta sed so…..
  • due to possum pee
  • For ‘bling’
  • For the Queen to use.
  • It is the only remaining piece of a once grand hotel which had to be evacuated and demolished because of a particularly rabid kangaroo which kept attacking the guests. The dunny was the only thing it left alone, because of the smell.
  • It was a 5 star dunny.
  • It was built by a rich gold miner
  • It was built for the governor
  • It was used by the recently retired John Laws, he of the golden tonsils, for his golden streams when in the mountains away from his golden microphone.
  • Just in case the Queen of England visits there; she deserves the best. And what is a “bush dunny;” an Australian slang term for what we in the USA call an “outhouse?” [Oh yes … it is a small building where one would go to strain the potatoes, shake hands with the Pope, water the dragon, or (in Kentucky) wash one’s hands (if that is not too impolite).]
  • Serious guess. Prince Charles went on a bush walk here.
  • So when queen Elizabeth toured, her minions had somewhere appropriate to place the royal travelling toilet seat.
  • Some VIP went up to open the Snowy Mountains scheme and needed a proper dunny…someone like Hitler, or Claudius or Queen Elizabeth 2nd … she went thereabouts in 1963.
  • The royals are allergic to any other metal
  • The area has rich gold fields nearby; gold was in plentiful supply there, whereas ceramic wasn’t. The original ceramic handles kept being stolen, and there was no choice but to replace them with the gold ones.
  • The Queen was going to visit?
  • To initiate moving the waste from the toilet and to open the door. (I know it’s a lame answer, but at least I didn’t answer a “Where” picture question by giving a URL, or saying “My monitor”).
  • Too many people used the normal one which caused it to constantly overflow – the golden door handles for decorations
  • Well I guess they had engineers all over the place back then who knew how to build a flushing loo, at the very least, and gold was the only metal available? Or someone was just showing off.
  • When QE II [not the ship] came over to marvel at the Snowy Mountain Scheme,the bush dunny was spruced up,just in case. Did she use it? I do not know.

Question 6

Whose potty is this?

Answer

Winston Churchill’s (it’s in the WW2 command bunker under central London, now a tourist attraction). Few people got this and I was disappointed not to get jokes about “Winnie the Pooh”

Additional Answers

  • Adolf Hitler? Or an Australian? let’s meet in the middle and say it’s Pauline Hanson’s.
  • Churchills
  • Dr. Bobs, however the electrical lead attached looks a bit dodgy.
  • Grandma’s
  • Harold Holt
  • Harry Potty? No, wait, Harry Belapotty? OK, not great, but not much worse that some of the other Werribee stuff that people throw at you.
  • Herr Schickelgruber’s?
  • I’m not sure whose this is, but I recognize the location as a suite at Microsoft headquarters. The cord you see is a USB cable. This is how Vista was designed.
  • I’d say it’s yours, Dr Bob. Do you have a tube too?
  • John Howard’s at Kirribilli House, notice how the Labor Party have wired it up to electricity.
  • Looks like a bed to me, but I am going to go with the queen just because it does not have a name on it so it could belong to the crown???
  • Mine!
  • Mr Bean’s?
  • No idea. Albert Einstein?
  • Noel Coward
  • Obviously someone who wasn’t enthralled by the idea of little roses all over their night potty.
  • Oliver Twist’s?
  • Ooo, it’s yours, Dr Bob, you naughty boy!
  • Professor Stephen Hawkins
  • QE2’s
  • Sir Winston Churchill’s [Wow!  The only correct answer to Q6 so far.  What major battles may have been fought on the potty? Ah .. Wikipedia to the rescue: “May 1945: The British forces cleared the lower Po and reached the Yugoslav and Austrian borders”)]
  • Some disabled person’s. Now they could be physically disabled, like having 3 legs on their head, or mentally disabled
  • THATS MINE!
  • The low browed snowy owl’s, up in the left corner.
  • The monster under the bed’s, who posts questions on the web under the pseudonym “Dr. Bob”.
  • The occupant of the bed. It looks lumpy, the bed I mean. Boring bedspread. [Well, the job was interesting enough to make up for the dullness of the accommodation.   (This is my hidden Hitler question)]
  • The person who took the photograph??
  • The pope’s. It’s a long trip to the other end of the wing where the loo is,so…
  • The Queen Mother’s

Comments

  • 206366 is my number this week. Coincidentally this is the first six digits of a cell phone number written in red lipstick on a napkin in Chris Angel’s other envelope. What’s that you ask? Of course I’m psychic. How else could I know?
  • As usual the good doctor is a month, or two ahead of the news: http://www.turnto23.com/news/14902166/detail.html sort of blends two of the last few quizzes- if they hang the beaver that is . . .BTW weird stuff with the submit code- the browser kept loading image after image until I clicked on the picture for each number. This on IE 6.0 on a Windows XP machine.
  • Axial Tilt – the reason for the season!
  • Bit of a poo this monsth quiz. At least this month it was Fart Jokes, can we do Knob Jokes next month.
  • Curious choice of topic.Did you have a terrible childhood?
  • Dr Bob, thanks for the quizzes this year. Farts are funny aren’t they? [Yes …. Ripper!] I hope you have a beaut Christmas. xxx
  • Ever went greywater rafting? It’s heaps of fun, except when you crapsize.
  • G’day Dr Bob! Hey, I’ve got a question for you … When Cindy met Garry, she was stage manager for a Gilbert and Sullivan show, and he was doing a PhD at ANU. When they married in 1994, why did they make the papers nationally?
  • Ghastly toilet humour this month, I see, Dr Bob. Shock! Horror! You should be interred forthwith. [How many respondents have used “interred”? Hundreds, I expect.]
  • Golly, what is it with all the perverted questions about human waste, CH4 and H2S this month? I’m in Melbourne now, Dr Bob, so you’d better watch out! And I know where Pugg Mahones is, too…
  • Great questions dr bob…cant wait to hear the answers
  • Hey Dr Bob, a few months ago you had am image of allegedly “the” iceberg that sunk the Titanic. But… after they hit the iceberg, and at high speed, then steamed on for a while, then drifted for several hours after the T sank. So why, and more to the point how, would they come back to the iceberg? [You assume so much and go along the wrong path so far! I never said this photo was taken FROM the Titanic – it was taken from a nearby ship as they said “Oh look at that iceberg, jolly dangerous, I wonder what ship scraped along the side and left all that red and black paint, oh is it time for tea already, yes please two sugars”]
  • Hi Bob.
  • Hi Dr Bob
  • I didnt understand what “nip out for a widdle means” [Sorry, I was being deferent to American sensitivities. I meant: point Percy at the porcelain; irrigate the desert; exercise the trouser snake; go for a piss]
  • I have no idea what this has to do with skeptics, [Neither have I – I lost it years ago] but hey…
  • I make it a point to squash at least one spider per day and eat some beef, to try to obtain negative Karma
  • Insane questions by an insane man. I approve.
  • Is your new prime minister a skeptic? And why all the juvenile, flatulent humor this month? [Well, in setting the quiz questions I sometimes have to search deep into my soul]
  • Merry Christmas Doc!
  • There is no substantive proof that any of my answers are wrong.
  • Toilet humour rulz
  • wow, im a first timer so i hope i went ok. some were a bit tricky but i think i did ok.
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