Answers for November 2002

The WINNER this month is another tireless long-term aficionado and fellow Melburnian who has been trying for months; this month he was more trying than ever – yes it’s

Robert McMartin


Question 1

What is the only reliable way to identify the species of a snake?

There is only one reliable method!

By counting the scales on its underside.

But also try:

  • You have to capture the snake and then take it to the nearest zoo. Ask to see the Zookeeper. Pull the snake out of the paper bag it is in, wave it around and say, “Do you know what kind of snake this is?”
  • Check to see if it is wearing a suit. If he is wearing a suit check to see the manufacturer if it is an Italian suit the snake is a Politician, if it is a local suit it is either a Used Car Salesman, or a Real Estate Developer. If on the other hand it is has a long thin body and no legs take a good look in its eyes. If it has round pupils it is a non-poisonous snake and if it has slit pupils you is gonna die. Then again – it could still be a politician.
  • Hair, teeth, ears, feet. No snake has these, so we could reliably identify a snake. Next we could look at body length, colour, scales, DNA even for the species. At the Melbourne Zoo snakes have their individual implanted bar codes. One swipe and you know who’s biting you. Most snakes that bite me are two-legged.
  • A full autopsy with DNA analysis. Oh wait, you wanted it alive? oops.
  • According to http://www.snakesandfrogs.com, identifying snakes requires one to “delve into the theory of visual perception”. This is clearly nonsense. the only way of truly identifying a snake species is to count the teeth.
  • Allow it to bite Steve Irwin and time how long it takes for him to turn blue
  • Apart from DNA testing, the position of its genitals.
  • Ask a herpetologist.
  • Ask politely but firmly, always maintaining eye contact. If no response is forthcoming, jam your thumb up it’s bunghole and ask again.
  • Ask Steve Irwin to identify the snake. After he’s been bitten, analyse a sample of his blood or brain.
  • Examining the scales pattern on the tail is not very reliable, and what if the tail is missing? [Then there’d be no snake, snakes consisting entirely of tail. Come to think of it, I knew a girl like that once]. Analyzing the venom is a good method, but useless with non venomous species.
  • Ask what law firm he works for.
  • By counting the rows of scales, the number in each row along with their shape and colour. If you are bitten during this process and die then the snake is probably a dangerous one. You can also tell a snake’s age by raising the cloacheal scale and looking up it’s date!
  • By counting the scales. This is most easily (and the case of poisonous varieties – safely) performed on a dead specimen.
  • By identifying the snakes venom
  • By looking up the markings in your “Observers Book Of Snakes” that you handily carry around with you all the time
  • By the scale count and coloration of course. It’s useless asking for their driver’s licence because they don’t have a pocket to put it in, although since most of them are members of the Law Society you can always check there.
  • By the scales [Ah yes – the famous statue on top of the Old Bailey]
  • By the smell of their poo. However, this is not considered by snake lovers (a different species again!) to be an occupation that gains friends and allows you to influence people. [On the contrary – possessing snake poo will gain you lots of friends and influence, as Primo Levi explains in his book The Periodic Table]
  • Check the scale patterns under the tail near the vent. Some snakes are easily identified by sight but others are very difficult. The scale patterns are unique to each species.
  • Count dorsal, ventral and subcaudal scales. Also whether the anal plate is single or divided
  • Count the number of rows of scales on the body of a dead snake, from the midbody down to (but not including) the belly, in a zigzag fashion.
  • Counting scales on the belly, so best done after the snake is 1. dead, or 2. trained to roll over, good snake
  • DNA testing by a reliable clinic, followed by a full blood test and physical work-up.
  • DNA? Or ask Steve Irwin – what a liddle bewdy but quite mad
  • Drop your pants, let it bite you on the butt, rush off to a hospital and let attractive nurses tend to the wound – but make sure that they do a blood test to rush off to Pathology for testing.
  • First off get it to bite you. Then, by measuring the bite depth, width of fangs and taking note of all symptoms of the venom. Of course when death is a symptom this method is not reliable.
  • Hmm – if there is only one reliable way of identifying a snake, then it would have to be by DNA analysis, (looking only at the differentiating sequences, not the entire genome). Why you would bother with that when you could become a herpetologist and learn all the identifying characteristics?
  • Get bitten and note the symptoms.
  • I have no idea, however, since this is a Dr.Bob question, the answer is no doubt – get bitten and note the symptoms.
  • I’d ask Steve Irwin or Les Hiddins or a tame herpetologist. (I’m stuffed if I’d try to look up a snake’s bum myself to identify its sex or species or whatever inconsequential thing it is you want us to do, Dr Bob.)
  • If it’s got legs, it aint.
  • If you die its poisonous
  • If you’re Harry Potter or Voldemort (or any other speaker of Parseltongue) presumably you can just ask it. The rest of us have to rely on physical characteristics (although I’m more of an Agamid girl myself). If you’ve been bitten by it, then an ELISA type assay will determine the species of the venom (if any) in order to administer the correct antivenom. If you suspect it’s a stolen snake, you can look at the engine number and VIN and check the register of….. no, hang on, that’s motorcycles, isn’t it?
  • IQ test. Note: anacondas are *very* stupid.
  • Length, shape, head & neck shape, color, pattern and, of course, the most important–anal plate division. I’ve never been close enough to a snake to examine his anal plate division, so I’m not really good at species identification.
  • Let it bite you. Then go to hospital. When they give you the correct antivenom, you’ll get better and thus will have identified it. If you die, then you may well have discovered a previously unreported species of snake. Congratulations.
  • Looking at it… like really carefully.
  • Ok, ok. I know it. You need to count the scales. But it cannot be a true scientific method, uh? Imagine the situation… “Oh what a luck! It seems a rare Blue Mamba, the most venomous snake of the planet! What a luck! But I have to be sure… according to my manual, a Blue Mamba has exactly INT(sqrt(121)*PI) scales. Let’s count! One, two, thr…gnam!”. He’ll never be able to verify
  • Passport
  • Performing a two-step enzyme immunoassay with a venom detection kit.
  • Reliably.
  • Teach it to talk, and then ask it.
  • The so called Pornstar test.
  • Through a strong glass gauge using its pattern of scales
  • Using your eyes and a copy of “What Snake is That?”
  • Wait till it bites you, press down firmly on the head. This will make sure the snake is unable to escape, as will be held in place by its teeth. If it doesn’t have teeth, you will know it is a toothless snake. Now stay relatively still for a few hours. If you die, you, your relatives, or your medical insurance company, will know that it is a venomous snake. There may be other symptoms, like extreme pain, failure of various internal organs etc. These will tell you that it is not necessarily fatal but probably a species which should be avoided in future. If you simply get bored sitting still, then it is a harmless species and not worth getting bitten by in future.
  • Well, if it bites you and you die, then it’s a really poisonous species. If you don’t die, then it’s not. Simple really.

Question 2

How did Grigory Rasputin die?

Answers

  • Dr Bob had a book that said there were two versions – poisoned cakes, poisoned wine, shot, ran into courtyard, shot again, fell over, was tied up and dropped through a hole in the ice in the river, drowned. -OR- poisoned, shot, beaten to death with chains, body burnt and the ashes fired from a cannon*. (*And there was a little footnote here that said “A strong element of skepticism runs in the Russian psyche”)
  • With great difficulty
  • And how, indeed!
  • Eventually.
  • Reluctantly.
  • One might ask, how didn’t he die? After he had consumed enough cyanide to kill eight men without apparent effect, Rasputin’s assassins became impatient and emptied a revolver into his back. When they returned to the cellar where the poison and lead had been administered, bringing a rug to roll the body in, they found Rasputin had left the building. Pursuing the starets into the street, they beat him unconscious, rolled him into the rug and dumped the resultant package into the Neva River through a hole in the ice. Many declare that the actual cause of death was drowning, some claim that the official death certificate says enteritis, and it has been speculated that Rasputin had some rare condition that made him immune to cyanide.
  • A bullet that had his name on it.
  • According to Prof. Kosorotov who performed the post-motem he drowned. But the good Professor may have been in league with Prince Felix Yusupov who, after unsuccessfuly trying to poison Rasputin with cyanide-laced cakes, shot him three times in the side, the back and the head before bludgeoning him with a two pound dumbell. The conspirators were afraid Tsar Nick would have the monk beatified but according to Russian Orthodox tradition Saints cannot die by drowning, so they dumped him in the Neva river.
  • After being poisoned and then shot and then knifed and then drowned in an icy Russian River… or was it after being drowned and then poisoned and then shot and then knifed… whatever…he eventually died of black lung…or not.
  • Asphyxiation, courtesy of the henchmen of Prince Felix Yusupov. Amazingly survived Madeira and two gateax poisoned with cyanide, as well as three gunshot wounds. The waters at the bottom of the river Neva claimed his lungs and his life.
  • At the end of 1916, a group of aristocrats in cahoots with the Grand Duke Dmitri Pavlovich (a cousin of Nicholas II) decided that Rasputin’s influence had grown too great and that he had to be killed in order to save Russia. They lured him to the Yusupovsky Palace on the pretext that Prince Felix Yusupovsky would introduce Rasputin to his beautiful wife. Rasputin was led to the cellar and fed poisoned cakes and wine, but these did not affect him. Yusupovsky then shot the monk at point blank range and Rasputin collapsed on the floor. When Yusupov went to tell his fellow conspirators the good news, they sent him back to make sure he had done the job. On returning to inspect the body, Rasputin suddenly regained consciousness and started to throttle poor Yusupov, who needless to say was completely scared out of his wits. The Prince fled the cellar, screaming for help; when they returned Rasputin was gone. They found him in the yard crawling towards the gate and proceeded to shoot and bludgeon him. They then bound him and tossed him into the river. When Rasputin’s body was found, his bonds were broken and his lungs were filled with water, showing that he didn’t actually die until he was submerged in the frozen waters. http://home.comset.net/freshspb/museums/rasputin.html
  • Basically he (eventually) stopped breathing. Mostly this was caused by religion (very dangerous). Also by poisoning (lead poisoning amongst other things) and inability to breathe underwater. His death was not caused by snake bite. He didn’t die of boredom and I don’t think he was shagged to death either (although he was probably working on it).
  • Drowned – but only after being made pissed, poisoned, and shot. True Russian stamina – no wonder the Czar’s wife was impressed with the guy.
  • The combined effects of poisoning, gunshot, freezing and drowning. All of which had nothing to do with his death, he was hit by the great white rhino driving a little read sports car. Nurse, this new medication is hopeless, it does nothing.
  • Exposure. [Which is what killed Princess Diana too]. The poison, the gun shot, the attempted drowning all did not work. No wonder the Russian aristocracy lost the revolution to the peasants.
  • Far too slowly for Grand Duke Dmitri Pavlovich’s liking. After being “killed” many, many times, he finally drowned (although I’m prepared to believe that it might’ve been boredom). See the cartoon at http://home.comset.net/freshspb/museums/rasputin.html
  • First he ate poisoned tea cakes and wine, then he suffered several shots about his body, and finally he was found, bound and gagged, floating in the Neva River. Worse case of suicide ever recorded in Russian history.
  • Hard to say exactly: he was fed poisoned wine and food, but that didn’t kill him immediately, then he was shot – twice – and that didn’t kill him either, so he was thrown into the Neva River. He may have drowned, bled out, or been metabolically compromised. <thoughtful pause> Nah, he definitely died of embarrassment when Boney M recorded a song about him. Oh, those gold lame outfits…..
  • He commited suicide after hearing Boney M sing “Ra Ra Rasputin, Russias favourite love machine”
  • He didn’t, The crew who so incompetently tried to poison, strangle, shoot and drown him never did manage. He opened a deli in New York and married a busty jewish princess called Magda
  • He had deluxe poisoning, shooting, beating, drowning combo with upsized pepsi and fries.
  • He is a Highlander so he’s still alive. Now his name is Vladimir MacPutin.
  • He was wrapped in a carpet and drowned. This was about plan K in the ongoing efforts to get rid of the swine.
  • His breathing stopped, his heart stopped, his brain stopped. Why? He ingested copious amounts of water. The moral? Neva drink too much at a party.
  • Hmmm… I don’t know much about Rasputin (humms part of the song) Lets see… “They didn’t quit they wanted his head… and so they shot him till he was dead…” Doesn’t seem right though, so I’ll say drowning.
  • Horribly. Rasputin was led to the cellar and fed poisoned cakes and wine, but these did not affect him. Yusupovsky then shot the monk at point blank range and Rasputin collapsed on the floor. When Yusupov went to tell his fellow conspirators the good news, they sent him back to make sure he had done the job. On returning to inspect the body, Rasputin suddenly regained consciousness and started to throttle poor Yusupov, who needless to say was completely scared out of his wits. The Prince fled the cellar, screaming for help; when they returned Rasputin was gone. They found him in the yard crawling towards the gate and proceeded to shoot and bludgeon him. They then bound him and tossed him into the river. When Rasputin’s body was found, his bonds were broken and his lungs were filled with water, showing that he didn’t actually die until he was submerged in the frozen waters. What a way to go.
  • How indeed? Was that even his real name? No. His real name was Popov. Yes, the clown.
  • Obviously he didn’t. He and Elvis are living in sin together in a hamburger joint somewhere.
  • Oh NOOOOOO! Please don’t tell me he’s dead? How could this happen to such a lovely Monk. Must’ve been the Karloff Vodka. I told him and told him……Would he listen?
  • Oh, no… it is a too long story for me to tell. I’ll make a quick resume, ok? So: Brought to Yusupovsky Palace – “May I introduce to you my wife the Princess?” – “Sure you can.. oh, no, this is a trick!” – Brought to the cellar- “Eat poisoned cakes, drink poisoned wine, you bloody monk!” – “Uh? No effect? Who damn are you, Mythridates?” – “In this case…” Bang! Bang! – “Yuppie! I killed the monk, I killed the monk, come guys, come and look the dead monk!” – “UH? WHAT? Are you still alive? He’s a ghost! He’s a ghost! Aaaargh!” – Run away, run away – “Look! He’s in the yard!” Bang! Bang! Bang! Damn-it-bang! – “At least! Come on, chums, let’s toss the body in the river!” – Glu glu glu glu – “Hey, Ivan! I fished a big one, this time!” – “Damn it, it is just a monk, not a storion…look, his lungs are filled with water, he died by drawning… Silly monk!”
  • Oh, not this again! [As Rasputin might have said, towards the end of the assassination process] What a tiresome subject!
  • Poisoned, shot, stabbed, shot again, beaten up, and thrown into a river where he apparently drowned. However, you don’t really die until you’re a Dr. Bob question.
  • “Ra ra Rasputin, Lover of the Russian queen, They put poison into his wine (poison being cyanide), Ra ra Rasputin… something something, He drank it all and said “I feel fine”, Ra ra Raputin (something something), They didn’t quit they wanted his head, Ra ra Rasputin, So they shot him till he was dead, Oh, those Russians…” I mean, what sort of rock group writes a song about a 19th century maniac who had way too much influence over the Russian royal family and drank cyanide on a daily basis?
  • RA RA RASPUTIN, Poisoned, shot, making a scene, To the afterlife could not find a portal, RA RA RASPUTIN, Wrapped in rug and chucked in brine, Finally proved he wasn’t immortal (oh, my gosh that’s bad!), Wrapped in a rug and tossed to the pond scum, RA RA RASPUTIN, One more chance to make him green, Wrapped in a rug and in the drink chucked, RA RA RASPUTIN, Bobbed…
  • Rock climbing accident
  • Slowly, painfully and horribly, and that was before he heard Boney M

Question 3

Over whose territory did the first sunrise of 1/1/2000 occur?

Answer

(They will probably fight wars over this) The AUSTRALIAN part of Antarctica. Oh yes!

Other Answers

  • A former colony of the ex-British empire over which it still hasn’t set.
  • A nice bit of ocean that belonged to no-one in particular except some whales and dolphins, where the passing of time has no significance for them and they don’t care if the whole of human civilization is brought to a grinding halt due to a computer bug. Which didn’t happen. Oh well.
  • All those little Pacific paradises that changed the international dateline so they’d be first don’t count. Neither do the (mainly US) planes that skittled around the sky in mid-Pacific at 40,000 feet. Try NZ’s Chatham Islands or, for a really correct answer, try the United Nations. That’s because the first sunrise took place on the Moon, which is UN territory. (Stick THAT in your bum, Kiribati!)
  • Antartica? Either that or cousin Guido’s backyard in Queens?
  • Are we talking personal ownership, or national claims here? I’m going to suggest that it was the Russian Federation because of the little jutting-out bit of the time-line east towards Alaska that is purely there for a little Russian island at the eastern tip of it. I think it sticks out further east than the bigger hump in the south Pacific ocean.
  • As the holder of a property claim covering the entire planet (currently unrecognised by the world courts, but I’m working on it) I’d have to say “Mine”.
  • Chatham Islands to the east of New Zealand, and a territory of NZ. Probably the biggest non-event until the beginning of the next millenium. Mind you, I would have liked to be there at the time.
  • Considering the Flat Earth Model…
  • Currently the area in question is subject to a number of land claims and disputes. All belligerent parties are requested to appear in the Court of Petty Sessions before Mr Justice Once. Failure to reach an agreement could see the case transferred to the Court of Piddling Sessions before Mr Justice I. Thought. If a decision is not reached then the whole dispute will be heard in the Court of Really Pissy Sessions before Justice Strong, Justice Pink and Justice Ready.
  • Ghana?
  • I had such a whammer of a hangover that when I woke up I’m positive the first sunrise of 2000 was inside – and sneakily behind my eyes. True story! Wot a sunrise 🙂
  • Iceland
  • It didn’t occur over any territory. A sunrise is a virtual phenomenon and occurs only in the eye of the beholder(s).
  • It doesn’t really matter. No one got up early to see it. They were all still in bed nursing massive hangovers from the night before.
  • It rose at 12:18 am (local time) on the headland between the Dibble Glacier (134° 37′ E) and Victor Bay in Antartica. If this isn’t in the Australian Antartic Territory then it must be bloody close!
  • It would’ve been Kamchatka but they got exemption from the government.
  • Japan.
  • King Neptune’s – you wanna disagree with him. OK then, I guess it was some dodgy pacific island nation, run by a fat Polynesian (no not a racist remark, just that Polynesians like to eat and you can’t run around much cos those islands are really small and you keep bumping in to each other).
  • Kiribati. They seemed to have moved the date line several hundred miles to the East just to claim that the day starts there.
  • Mine.
  • Mmmmm! Russia? I think the date line takes a bit of a kink between there and Alaska.
  • More interestingly Samoa was the last place to see it.
  • My territory, viz. Niddrie, Victoria, Australia. It was a morning like any other: I got out of bed, bent over, and the sun shone from out of my arse….. yes, my star sign is Leo, why do you ask?
  • New Zealand’s, since the first sunrise occurred in the Chatham Islands. Despite the sneaky lying temporary-date-line-shifting tactics of those creeps in Kiribati or wherever it was. I hope their poxy little atoll washes away.
  • New Zealand’s. Mt Hakeba on Pitt Island (one of New Zealand’s Chatham Islands) sees the first sunlight. Not that it does it any good, it’s still too bloody cold.
  • New Zealand’s. Pitt Island – Part of the Chatham islands – first INHABITED part of the world to see first sunlight of 2000, for uninhabited not so sure.
  • No one’s. Antarctica is not owned by any single country.
  • North Korea. Just ask Kim Jong Il.
  • Of areas that had a sunrise (much of Antarctica was permanently sunlit at that time), Australian Antarctic territory at about 135E would have had the first sunrise. The first permanentky inhabited land to see the sun would have been New Zealand’s Chatham Islands.
  • Probably the USA. We seem to own the world since “President” Bush & his minions seized power.
  • Rawaki Islands in the Kiribati. But this is only because the Kiribati government, declared that all of the Islands fall in the same time zone. Otherwise it would have been Tonga.
  • Some small and otherwise pleasant pacific island, whose name is only important to trivial buffs like Dr Bob 🙂 [Yes – Australia]
  • The first sunrise of 1/1/2000 occurred over everyone’s territory at some stage.
  • The pacific island of (I forgot the name) who moved their clocks an hour forward for the occasion so that they could claim the prize. If only they’d waited 12 months then they could have claimed the prize of the first sunrise of the third millennium.
  • The Republic of Kiribati, to be precise Caroline Island, a place so far east that it’s actually west. Possibly earlier: New Zealand’s Balleny Islands. Under unlikely atmospheric circumstances, the north point of Young Island may have experienced a sunset, a very short night, and a sunrise, all in the first couple of minutes of January 1st. No one ever comes there, so this can not be confirmed. Or even earlier: the Dibble Glacier on Antarctica (ironically, the south pole itself was the place that saw the last first sunrise of 2000, that is, the sun did not come up there until september). Even more earlier: at sea, at about 180º E and 66ºS in the South Pacific.
  • The sun
  • Uh, yes… there must be that little rock, the most eastern of Kiribati, that is quite to the right of the line of changing day, but because the official time of Kiribati is the capital’s time, it is legally a eastern place and not a western one, but…I would like to say: time is absolute (Newton) or relative (Einstein) or just a silly thing (the humans); it cannot be half and half, isn’t it? So, my time is my time, and Kiribati’s time is also my time. Tze’.
  • Was there more than one sunrise on 1/1/2000?
  • We are all one people. We are all one mind. Ergo we are all time-share owners of Earth. So it was my territory. But now it’s yours. No, it’s mine again. No, Yours. Mine. Yours. Mine. Yours. Should I continue?
  • Who cares since it wasn’t the first day of the new Millenium.

Question 4

What did Jesus say in conducting an exorcism?

Answer

In fact there are four exorcisms –

  • Luke 4:35 and Mark 1:25: Hold thy peace, and come out of him.
  • Mark 9:25: Thou dumb and deaf spirit, I charge thee, come out of him, and enter no more into him.
  • Mark 5:8: Come out of the man, thou unclean spirit.
  • Matthew 8:32 Go.

– actually that’s sort of 5 – anyway Dr Bob prefers the last one because it is short and to the point, and it is also the shortest sentence in the English language (Although there is “O!”)

Other Answers

  • “Abi male spiritus”, if he spoke Latin. Wasn’t this a notorious animal welfare violation, where he caused a group of pigs to be overcome with evil spirits and plunge into their deaths over a crevice?
  • “Ahhh! Her head is spinning around!”
  • “Be quiet and come out of him”. The “unclean spirit” come out, but it wasn’t quiet, it sort of yelled a bit, and there was some obligitory convulsing.
  • “Be quiet, and come out of him.” And the demons answer: “Oh, alright, the gig’s up, what old chap. Toodle-pip!”, and with that pop off to find a weaker vessel, which I gather is some sort of cracked vase or flag-of-convenience oil tanker or something.
  • “Bugger, stepped in the green slime again!”
  • “Come out of the man thou unclean spirit.” Rings a bell, I could be wrong. Don’t take it as gospel, (sorry about that, I couldn’t resist.)
  • “Come out of this man, you evil spirit!” & “What is your name?” The man replied the Legion thing and the demons politely asked to be excused, which Jesus did, and that was about it. All a bit dull really & nothing like the movies, which only goes to show that Hollywood is more fun than religion.
  • “Deaf and dumb spirit, I command you, come out of him and enter him no more!” (Mark 9:25) “Woman, you are loosed from your infirmity.” (Luke13:10-16) “Come out of the man, unclean spirit!” (Mark 5:1-20). Really Dr. B., are you running out of difficult questions?
  • “I sure hope that a bunch of phony, money-grabbing evangelists don’t start poorly imitating this . . .”
  • “I wish I was in Dixie, Away, Away” etc……
  • “Knock, knock, excuse me Demon, would you mind vacating this body.” And then the spawn of Beelzebub would leave, and the host would thank his lucky stars that he’d got away with whatever crime he committed, and out of the exorcism, so lightly.
  • “Long time ago in bethlehem, the holy bible say”
  • “Out damn spirit, out I say!”
  • “Piss off, or I’m gunna tell Daddy on you!”
  • “Satan be Gone!!!” in a southern US accent
  • “Thou deaf and dumb spirit, I charge thee, come out of him, and enter no more into him.”…but probably not in english.
  • “You’re not the Messiah, you’re a very naughty boy – so bugger off!”
  • (In hebrew) “Out you nasty devil you”.
  • <tap> <tap>, oh, for My sake, will you cellists stop *scratching* your instruments – you’ll go blind!
  • Abracadabra
  • Amen
  • By the power of dad, I command thee.
  • Can I interest you in a fine cabinet from my father’s shop? (allegedly possessed man then runs screaming down the street and into a sty) “Whoa” says Jesus. “Was he a speed demon or what?” (in an aside to Peter, who was then under the psuedonym Fishslapper)
  • Damn, I really hate this part of the messiatic business. I’m gonna check the contract… Can’t remember… Perhaps… I’ll have to ask a lawyer… Ooooh! No one can be such smelly!
  • Damn, Peter!!! This one would make one hell of a movie.
  • Did heysoos go in for exorcisms, I thought he had more sense
  • Get me a young priest and an old priest. No. I know, in the name of me I command thee.
  • Get me a young Rabbi and an Old Rabbi.
  • Hmm, surely not “Piss off, Lucifer” or anything crude like that, even though it would have worked a treat. More like “Ye are the (b)light of the world” (Matthew 5:14) or the more obvious “Get thee behind me, Satan” (Matthew 16:23) or the more cryptic “Being turned, I saw seven golden candlesticks” (Revelation 1:12).
  • Hocus pocus, abracadabra, alacazam, bippity boppity boo! In Hebrew. Naturally.
  • Holy shit!! What was that??
  • I cast you out. I cast you out. I cast you out. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
  • I don’t know. But let me conduct a pre-emptive strike against most of the other answers: he probably didn’t say it in English!
  • I wouldn’t have understood what he said since I don’t speak the ancient language that Jesus spoke, the name of which escapes me at the moment [Aramaic]. Hopefully one of the few hundred extant speakers will let us all know.
  • Jesus only had a couple more days of exorcism school to go when he said, “Behold, I cast out demons and perform cures today and tomorrow, and on the third day I shall finish my course.” (Luke 13.32)
  • Matthew, Mark and Luke agree that before the exorcism He said something along the lines of O unbelieving generation, how long shall I stay with you? How long shall I put up with you? During the act, Mark reports he said You deaf and mute spirit, I command you, come out of him and never enter him again. [If it was deaf it wouldn’t have heard him…]
  • No one knows for sure, but his public relations agency and business managers spin it as “Be gone Satan”. (In reality, it was probably something like: “I’ve not done one of these before, but here goes …’I say, have you tried counselling?’.”
  • Not a word, according to a sort of Bible I found on the Net: his last words before the exorcism were “Bring your son here”, and it is evident that the exorcism has yet to begin. Than the boy arrives, the devil makes a sort of ballet, there is a sort of mysterious movements and other stuff, and finally Jesus says: “The Son of Man is going to be betrayed into the hands of men”, and this phrase is clearly a sentence said after the exorcism. So, the answer to Q4 is simply “Nothing”.
  • Nothing, because he didn’t exist.
  • Obsconder obisimo illegitimo
  • Oh my god! what in hell is this?
  • Oogie Boogie Woogie Devil be gone!!
  • Out damn spot, oh hang on was that Lady Macbeth or an ad for a carpet cleaner? or “Come out of this man, you evil spirit!”
  • SHAZAAM!
  • Strewth
  • That depends on who you read. John doesn’t mention it; Luke tells the tale but doesn’t have Jesus saying anything; Matthew says that he said to the demons “Go!”; while Mark has him quite verbose saying “Come out of the man [thou] unclean spirit”. He probably just said “Bruce, piss off!” in Aramaic.
  • Time gentlemen please!
  • Yes, yes! He did say the f word.
  • You are getting very sleepy. You are going deeper and deeper into a trance. You will remember being possessed. You will remember me casting the demon out. You will wake up with no recollection of being hypnotised after I count to 3. 1… 2… 3.
  • This is my first go, but I’ve seen a movie about it
  • That will be 500 shekels please. Sorry, I don’t take credit cards.

Question 5

What is Donald Duck’s middle name?

Answers

  • Speech Impediment
  • I could tell you, but then I’d have to kill you.
  • When he enlisted during WWII he let the Services know his middle name was Fauntleroy. No wonder he’s kept it a secret.
  • What a totally pantless question.
  • The
  • Stupid question. He is a cartoon character. It’s like asking whether he believes in God. [Well, Ned the neighbour in the Simpsons does…]
  • S – after both his maternal and paternal grandparents. And his car licence number is 313.
  • Rumsfeld. Donald Rumsfeld Duck, and he’s been advised to wear his trousers whenever he is on diplomatic missions to Finland.
  • Ronald
  • Middle name? HA! Daisy won’t even let him go bowling with his mates!
  • Legion (because we are many [well there ARE a lot of ducks])
  • james
  • It was Fauntleroy of course. Finding this was a web feat although the difficulty wasn’t all it’s quacked up to be. (says he ducking for cover)
  • It should be Thelonius. ‘Donald Thelonius Duck’ sounds very distinguished, don’t you think?
  • Irritating Little Bastard
  • I’m sure he’s told us, but we can never bloody understand him!
  • I have this funny feeling it’s Erasmus.
  • He doesn’t actually have one. In one wartime cartoon, they called him Donald Fauntleroy Duck, but it was never repeated. That means it was a one-off, promptly forgotten and only ever invoked by rabid Disney buffs. The cartoon entity that is Donald Duck, unlike a person, only has an independent identity in the minds of the writers and viewers of the cartoon. The middle name, having only appeared once in all those cartoons, didn’t filter through to be a characteristic of the archetype concept “Donald Duck”. So he doesn’t have one. It would be like saying Micky Mouse’s real name is still Mortimer. [Bugger! There goes another of my future questions]
  • Good question. It probably starts with a D.
  • Fred
  • For some time Donald Duck’s middle name was “The” but he changed it to “Fauntleroy” during WW2 as part of the war effort. The Nazis promptly lost the war.
  • Fondleroy. Seems he was named after an obscure uncle of the Disney family.
  • Fluffy.
  • Fauntleroy. Why am I not surprised?
  • Fauntleroy. Who can pronounce this? Certainly not a duck. You need lips!
  • Fauntleroy. Or do you mean the name of his middle?
  • Fauntleroy. Mr and Mrs Duck were obviously cruel.
  • Fauntleroy. That’s a cruel thing to do to a child – if there’s any karmic justice, Mr and Mrs Duck deserved to end up bright orange hanging in a Chinese restaurant. (And the vicar of Dibley thought *her* parents gave her an embarrassing name…..)
  • Fauntleroy, that one is too easy Dr. Bob. Someone buy you a new copy of Trivial Pursuit? [Yes – I have worn my old one out]
  • Fauntleroy – what can you say to make this amusing?
  • Easy – Walter [after Mr Walt Disney]
  • Dumb.
  • Donald ‘Plucka’ Duck of ‘Hey Hey It’s Saturday’ fame.
  • Donald Duck is fictional, although marginally less fictional, and certainly better documented, than Jesus. [Donald H Duck?]
  • Donald Duck has no middle name. The suggestion that it is “Fauntleroy” is false, as this was merely wartime propaganda. “Fauntleroy” most certainly does not appear on Donald Duck’s birth certificate.
  • DoesDallasNoPantsCrossDresser
  • Born Daniel John Goose in 1945, “Donald Duck” was hailed as the creation of Walt Disney due to an early enterprise bargaining agreement. Realising that speciesism was still rife, Daniel signed his life away in order to reap the benefits of fame by appearing to be an adjunct to a human being. The changing from goose to duck is due to various improprieties in his swinging goose life.
  • Ask John Cage.
  • AAA – Fauntleroy. I guess that almost everybody will get the correct answer, so I placed a triple A to let my answer be the first right one.(Gosh! Maybe it was better a triple zero!)

Question 6

What’s this?

Actual Answer:

  • A large, black, cone shaped article with two white spots being held by two army officers posing for a photo.
  • Two men from 90 Operational Support Squadron holding the nuclear warhead of a Minuteman missile.
  • That is undeniably a wigwam for a goose’s bridle, the price of which is roughly equivalent to a decent health care system for the 40 million americans now without health insurance.

Other Answers

  • To the untrained, this looks like a missile warhead. In fact, it is the Dr. Bob Penis Extendor (TM). It works on much the same principle as a girl I once knew *sigh*. However, this one takes two men to operate, much like another girl I knew, but I digress.
  • Wishful thinking
  • A dicktaphone
  • Penis enlarger
  • Major Brennan (pictured on right), tries out the new Madonna inspired condom. (Private McLean, on left, is happy to help with the fitting).
  • I thought a warhead thingy, but there is a lack of panic on the guys’ faces, so perhaps it’s a loud hailer for pubic lice.
  • Looks like a MIRV nosecone but it could be the latest in KKK headwear – the white eyeholes give it away. And no, it’s neither a condom for well-endowed black blokes nor an unfortunate foreskin for the bloke on the left.
  • This is a perfect example of the daily bombardment I receive from people trying to goad me into writing an Anna Nichole Smith joke. I STILL REFUSE!!!
  • Uh. I admit it, this is dull. Let’s see… it cannot be an atomic bomb, because the form is too silly, and soldiers are usually too serious to handle silly things (uh, how is silly, this sentence of mine!). It cannot be a giant and metallic condom, even if the position could suggest it. I never saw condom with red tag. The only clue is that “OSS” on the caps. So… what? Not a word in my English dictionary starting with “OSS”? Osshit.
  • A 300kg anteater muzzle
  • Hey baby, are you pleased to see me or is that a missile in your pocket.
  • The genitals are extremely susceptible to injury by the blister-causing chemical weapon sulphur mustard, aka ‘mustard gas’ (trust me on this, I work in defence science). As a result of the heightened threat to US military personnel deployed in the Middle East, USAMRIICD has developed the NBC-protective charcoal-impregnated penis gourd. However, in filling in the form to order his kit, this semi-literate grunt (he’s probably in artillery) perpetrated a reversal of the Spinal Tap Stonhenge prop fiasco: he wrote 5 1/2′ (feet) instead of 5 1/2″ (inches). In the finest army tradition, the order was followed exactly, no matter how obviously it was a bloody stupid cock-up. <tish-BOOM!>
  • It could be either an unusual marital aid or a rocket nose cone. Personally I think it’s either a tactical nuclear warhead or the dunces cap that George Dubya used to wear in school.
  • It could be the nose cone of something or it could be part of a navigational beacon of some kind. It looks like an old Steiger Vortex Cannon, used (supposedly) to break up hail in thunderstorms so that’s what I’ll go with.
  • It’s a big witches hat, for tank driving school.
  • A pointy boys’ toy. My, the soldiers have nice shiny boots!
  • Two blokes carrying a wotzit.
  • A US corporal piddling in a big cone and having it run down his sergeant’s leg
  • A genetically deformed soldier. The other one is just helping him. The deformed organ is covered with black paper. The deformation is a result of nuclear tests in the mid 60s.
  • A semen-collecting device for soldiers, to check them for the clap. Now I’ll ask YOU a question: can you tell which guy is at the working end?
  • The reason Donald Duck enlisted?
  • Don’t Ask Don’t Tell Party. The guy on the left won the coin toss and gets to go first (but he has to help the guy on the right strap it on beforehand).
  • A prototype for a new Peters Drumstick
  • Limbo dance for silly GIs
  • Trouble looking for a place to happen. Or, George Bush’s codpiece.
  • Bagram Air Force Base in Afghanistan. 2 USA soldiers installing a McDonalds Soft Serve Icecream machine – YUMMY
  • US Armed Forces test new condom to be issued to Australian troops in the event of war on Iraq.
  • The armed forces’ idea of contraception for soldiers in the field
  • A hood from a black Ku Klux Klan member who rides against Episcopalians and Baptists
  • Two soldiers giving head
  • Two army guys holding a large black cone over their willies.
  • A new hat for Noddy
  • This new high tech military penis shield will protect the essential member from radiation, chemical or biological weapons while one is urinating. It also terrifies the local peasants and keeps them in line. The cost is a mere $10,000 per unit.
  • A strategic intercontinental ballistic megaphone
  • Boy, that is a handsome… cone?
  • Half of Madonna’s newest bra.
  • US marines make a clandestine raid on enlarging objects spell workshop at Hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry.
  • Secret US military evidence of giant witches
  • Two U.S. Navy Seals trying out a urine storage device, to save precious body fluids.
  • Freud’s worst nightmare
  • One hell of a codpiece – and by the looks of it, it’s made for two…
  • Two airmen of the 30th Operations Support Squadron, stationed at Vandenberg Air Force Base in California. As for the object, they are:1. Moving a prop for the Base’s annual Rudy Valee festival.2. Confiscating the the equipment of a giant Wiccan protestor.3. The man on the left is administrating the notorious Genital Weightlifting hazing to the new recruit on the left.4. A traffic cone for the driver’s licence test for rocket gantry operators.
  • A member of the Operations Support Services
  • Nose cone off a Minuteman ICBM – recovered from a Korean pawnshop in West LA.
  • It’s the OSS’s latest secret weapon, the Fartophone! Ready, aim, bombs away. Knock ’em senseless in any company!
  • The most painful gynecological instrument known to woman. Yet strangely alluring. DAMN YOU FREUD!
  • An on-ground refueling operation, and they’re pissing each other off.
  • Two guys setting up a very large traffic cone to guide the landing of the Space Shuttle.
  • Very safe sex.
  • A military sized butt-plug.
  • Someone left the gate open AGAIN and Al Quaeda has made off with the rest of the missile?
  • Extra! Extra! The army has found Albus Dumbledore’s hat!
  • Proof that the American military is embracing social change
  • This is the latest US Army issue garbage bin as used in “the war against terrorism”. As you can see from the name badges on their caps only personel with the name “Oss” are recruited for garbage duty. You can also see from their muscle tension that this container is fully laden. This explains the question being asked by the fellow on the right: “Oss are ma bin laden?”.
  • This is the new Viagra pill by Pfizer, swallow this sucker and wake up with a nuclear weapon.
  • This shows the eventual winners of the 19th annual “Hide My Dick” competition. Dwayne is on the left and Billy-Bob is on the right. Dwayne is the owner of the hefty and oddly shaped appendage. The size of his dick can only be guessed at. However, you should note that Billy-Bob has a small red tassel attached to the end of his dick and he only got in as an assistant when primary helper Bubba was stricken with Holland Blind syndrome, a painful and embarrassing condition that can be cured only with rest and the assistance of a long and heavy piece of timber and some very strong twine.
  • Winners of the “MAKE AN IDIOT OF YOURSELF – 1997” competition, with the award. Also, there are 18 people hiding in the background.
  • It appears to be a Mk 21 reentry vehicle, which should contain a W-87 thermonuclear warhead, but it doesn’t, since the combined weight would be too much for these guys alone.
  • Standard issue U.S. Army penis gourd.
  • Either a very large codpiece or Mickey Mouse’s hat from the Fantasia show.
  • Two very very nervous men, carrying a MIRV nuclear Warhead.
  • This is what happens when you try to keep women out of the military.
  • A man with the funkiest Prince Albert I have ever seen.
  • Yoo hoo, over here ladies, wanna see my nuclear weapon.

Comments:

  • Sorry, no answers. Running out of time on my prepaid connection. Spent my hard earned money searching … oh shit! only a few seconds le
  • “The Quack” won the Melbourne Cup in 1872. Is this a snide reference to you, Dr. Bob, or are you a horse of a different colour?
  • …don’t matter.
  • /* old style C comment */// new style C comment# shell script comment<!– HTML comment –>
  • Do I have to?
  • DOCTOR Bob? Look, a friend of mine has got a rash on his ………. [It wasn’t me, really … well not much, anyway]
  • Dr. Bob is it true you have to go to Iraq to get one of those funny Prince Alberts, courtesy of the US Air Force. [It’s one way … actually you’ll get more than a Prince Albert if the Iraqis get hold of you]
  • Dr. Bob, I think that it’s in poor taste to show indecent pictures of military personnel. [They were the only sort of pictures I could find. In an ideal world ALL pictures of military personnel would be indecent…]
  • Dr. Boob, I’m ashamed of you – this quiz was too damn easy.
  • Good questions this time – at least I can attempt them.
  • I dunno, something’s not right ………………
  • I found Jesus! He was in my trunk when I got back from Tijuana.
  • I just found your page and plan to be back. [But you didn’t say after how long]
  • I really liked the questions this month and I have no idea why. Maybe it’s the couple of beers I just had.
  • I took a speed reading course and read “War and Peace” in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
  • If I have the answers to the questions right, can I have a hint on the picture? huh, huh???
  • It is quite difficult to write this comment while a couple of rednecks with a nuclear weapon are looking at me – especially after what I just said about them!
  • It was nice to see a reptile question for the herpetologists amongst us <glances fondly at the photo on my desk of an elderly specimen of Physignathus leseurii leseurii – he’s doing that really cute thing where he swallows most of the mouse, then sits there with its tail hanging out of his mouth, he’s such a dear old duffer> – NO Dr Bob, “herpetologist” does NOT mean “a person who has herpes”…..
  • It’s MINE, it’s ALL MINE!!!
  • Maybe we should perform an exorcism on Dr Bob, he’s gone to the devil
  • My computer’s so slow it doesn’t crash, it gently bumps into things
  • No mathematical questions this month? [Rephrase that as “how many… and youo’d have 1]
  • On time even this month! I did it, I did it!!!!
  • Shame on you for portraying racism. He He
  • Sorry about the blank e-mail I sent, Dr. Bob. It was my cat’s fault. She was walking on the keyboard, as cats love to do. BTW, I learned that the world is ending in May 2003!
  • Still no comment…
  • The first time is never the best [But I can assure you it IS, if there is no second or later time]
  • This would have to be the closest I’ve got to feeling confident that my answers are correct. But if I can find the answers so easily, I would imagine 95% of the rest of the responses will also be right.
  • Tsk tsk, Dr Bob. Last month’s Q3 virgin shark answer happened after 1940 and so was clearly disqualified by the tenets of the question. (And tsk tsk again – http://www.snopes.com/pregnant/bulletbl.htm).
  • Ummmmmmmmmmmm!!
  • Usually I spend days looking for the answers without getting any closer. This month, I achieved the same result in five minutes.
  • What! No Hitler questions, no opera or avant-garde musical questions?
  • Yeah, look, sorry about all the wanking on. Home with three kids, what do you expect?
  • You cannot fool the chicken…
  • You realise that I’ve wasted an hour on this quiz when I could have been looking at net porn. [I thought this WAS net porn … am I missing something]
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