Answers for November 2001

Our WINNER for November 2001 lives in Uiowa:

Michael Witry

Good on yer, Mick. Uiowa is a server at the University of Iowa – yes, they’ve got one. It’s also a good word to know if you play Scrabble. (For those who assume that I can trace the Internet headers back – I can’t, because the answers come to me on the web forms without any header information, so I see only the text you guys type in the boxes).


Question 1

In the 17th century, how did the denizens of a Swiss Alpine town reverse the apparently inevitable advance of a nearby glacier?

Better Than The Correct Answer:

  • They stopped thinking so negatively, such that the glacier’s advance was no longer apparent or inevitable.
  • Very carefully.
  • They changed all the road signs to point the other way. I mean after all glaciers are noted for being slow and thick. (boom Boom)

Correct Answer:

  • The Bishop of Geneva collected the 300 or so locals from Les Bois and went out to the glacier and blessed it. The glacier’s advance was a result of the Little Ice Age which came to an end soon after the blessing [hmmmm….I am impressed] and the glacier retreated as the atmosphere warmed.
  • Well, they did various things, sometimes the glacier reversed and sometimes it didn’t. This was, after all the peak of the ‘little ice age.’ Here are some of the relevant incidents: 1588: Grindelwald glacier broke through its end moraine.1595: Gietroz glacier (Switzerland) advanced, dammed Dranse River, and caused flooding of Bagnes with 70 deaths.1600-10: Advances by Chamonix glaciers accompanied by massive floods entirely destroyed three villages–Bonnenuit, Le Chatelard and La Bonneville–and severely damaged a fourth, La Rosiere. Oldest village (Le Chatelard) dated from 1200s.In response the locals:1. ‘…pressed authorities for the organization of witch-hunts. Seemingly most witches were burnt as scapegoats of climatic change.’2. ‘Between 1580 and 1620, more than 1,000 people were burned to death for witchcraft in the Bern region alone’3. ‘In June 1644, a procession of three hundred people led by the bishop of Geneva, Charles de Sales, made its way high in the Alps to “the place called Les Bois above the village where hangs, threatening it with total ruin, a great and terrible glacier come down from the top of the mountain.” The villagers had good reason to worry, for the Les Bois glacier was advancing “by over a musket shot [120 meters] every day, even in the month of August.” The bishop duly blessed the glacier and repeated his invocations at a whole ring of ice sheets, which hemmed in seven small villages’4. In September 1653 the citizens near Aletsch imported two Jesuits to say mass to the glacier and install a statue of St. Ignatius in front of it.5. At an unnamed village, the locals celebrated Xmas by burning to death a tramp they suspected of manipulating the weather.Etc. etc. – take your pick.

Alternative Methods of Glacier Management:

  • They invented hairspray and used it in such quantities that galloping global warming took place and they got flooded out instead – nah just kidding – they called upon the Good Lord via his representatives on earth – which answer makes more sense? [Well, hairspray goes away after a while]
  • Baked Beans. Can’t you just see them all lined up there in front of the glacier, trousers down, matches at the ready…………
  • Have to guess… They wrote their names in the snow en masse? (Perfectly understandable for us Finns).
  • A row of very large bonfires and a lot of fans.
  • Burnt the collected foreskins of first born sons on a ritual pyre at base of glacier……and got some bishop from Geneva up to bless glacier…. a bit like having double both ways at the TAB…I got Ethereal in the office sweep.
  • By happy coincidence. Those people trying to change the progress of that glacier would’ve been like telling a cat to get off your favourite chair: if you get the desired result, it’s not because of your actions, but because that’s what would’ve happened anyway. (Admittedly, this analogy does fall down because you can’t grab a glacier by the scruff of the neck and deposit it, still glaring, in the back yard. But you get the idea.)
  • By hiring this bloke called Canute.
  • By licking it
  • by shifting the mountain range into an alternate universe.
  • Denial
  • Does “Switzer” mean the same as “Cantonese?”
  • Dynamiting the mountains peaks where the glacier lay.
  • Following the repeal in 1953 of the Luzern salt tax, the inhabitants were able to acquire far more salt than was previously available, and this was scattered over the forward front of the glacier, causing it to melt.
  • Ha – trick question. It wasn’t a ‘glacier’ it was a ‘glazier’. The bloke put the hard word on every woman in the town (and most of the presentable men) but his advances were rebuffed by the unusual – in those days – method of using humour. They claimed that all the glassblowers had left for the winter. In Switzerland that meant forever.
  • Hair dryers. Really big ones.
  • It is impossible that a glacier could have been there, because in that swiss alpine town all the lakes are made of cheese.
  • Nothing advances in Switzerland.
  • Once upon a time, a small pretty town of Switzerland was threatened by a huge river of ice. People worried and worried, and many cries shouted high in the air. “Let’s lite a big fire against it!” – “Let’s build a very big chocolate wall!” – “Let’s invent some spray propelled with CFC, so we can make a big hole in the ozonosphere, obtain a hothouse-effect, and the glacier will retreat!”… but time passed and passed, till, at the very last minute, an irish tourist in holyday was informed about the problem. “Well, chums… if you can’t stop the glacier, why don’t you move the town?” …
  • Repeated performances of “The Maid of the Mountains” caused massive cracks in the ice, resulting in higher melt-off rates.
  • That would have been the time of the Great Fart Lighting, when all of the people in the valley would line up one at a time and light one up, the resulting flame would shoot out of their posteriors and melt another patch of ice. Eventually any glacier with a modicum of self respect would decide to go elsewhere.
  • The Lord God said, “Why should I not bring upon thee the advance of my snow and ice upon the town which defileth my name?” And the denizens of Swissalpinetown replied “What about the righteous people in thy town? Surely the Lord God would not bring thy snow and ice upon thy righteous servants.” And the Lord God said “If there were one righteous man in thy town I would not bring snow and ice upon thee”. So it came to pass that the denizens of Swissalpinetown searched far and wide to find a righteous man, and upon finding him, forcibly relocated him to save their town from eternal destruction. This was the beginning of the ritual pilgrimage now called “public service relocation”, which can still be seen far and wide across the land today.
  • The mayor of the town was a devout Christian who believed that Jesus meant what he said when he announced that his followers would be able to perform even better miracles than he had (Gospel of John). His Worship led the townsfolk to the site of the potential disaster and quoted from the Good Book: “Whatever two or more of you shall ask in my name, it shall be done for you.” Whereupon they all roared, “Shoo, glacier! Begone in the name of the Lord!” And lo, it came to pass that the glacier did as bidden and buzzed back to the mountain top. Unfortunately, the vibrations of their massed voices triggered an avalanche, which utterly annihilated a neighbouring village. Quoth the Mayor – “The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away” (Book of Job).
  • They chopped it up and made some mean-ass margaritas.
  • They convinced the glacier that Switzerland is a neutral country and may not be advanced on.
  • They got Ella Fitzgerald to yodel and shatter that damn glacier to tiny bits.
  • They hired a contract killer.
  • They hired Mary Poppins to sing “High on a hill lived a lonely goat turd, yoddle-lay-ee, yoddle-lay-ee, yoddle-lay-ee-ooo.”
  • They hired the sole addition to the Liechtenstein Army, who was actually the Dutchman Anton van Leeuwenhoek, to build them a huge magnifying glass to melt the ice.
  • They invented the combustion engine, and fed all the cows lentils. It still works.
  • They moved the town from the inevitable path of destruction wrought by the Abrekkebreen Glacier, only to have destruction wrought on themselves by an avalanche.
  • They persuaded the government to make their town the official national centre for the immolation of witches, thereby creating a local greenhouse effect and saving the town.
  • They petitioned (successfully) for a royal decree to declare the century the sixteenth. [A neat solution, which worked for nearly 100 years]
  • They posted a “Keep Left” sign outside the village, and the glacier [being Swiss] obediently swerved left of the town.
  • They redirected the flow of a stream past the glacier to melt it and carry the ice away.
  • They re-located to the back of the glacier, so it was moving away from them.
  • Water. No wait, that was for a lava flow. Um… they sprayed lava on it?
  • Well, if they were ‘denizens’, I’m sure they’d be capable of anything! Anyone happen to know the etymology of the word ‘denizen’? If a ‘citizen’ is someone who lives in a city, what is a ‘denizen’? [Someone who lives in a den – but actually, I denno]
  • With their personalities, Swiss can curdle cheese at a hundred paces.
  • With very large sticks and purple lace netting.
  • Yodelling. Lots of yodelling. Oh, and they dragged this dirty great boiler to the base of the glacier and set it going.

Question 2

In Tupelo, Mississippi in 1946, what did a child’s bicycle cost?

Answers

  • Who gives a wombat’s wobble? [See next answer]
  • More than a guitar; >$12.95. Oh, for grud’s sake, couldn’t they have just sold the furniture or the back door or ANYTHING and bought him the bloody bike, if I had a Tardis I’d be jumping into it and travelling back in time to shout at these people NO NO NO DON’T BUY HIM A GUITAR AAIIEEEEEE WE’LL ALL REGRET IT, if they hadn’t bought him that guitar perhaps western civilisation might never have suffered that particular brand of appalling musical, cinematic and culinary fallout, oh the humanity. (And if you think I’m some sort of heretic, let me further inflame you by revealing that I didn’t really care when John Lennon got shot.)
  • 55 years of musical torture
  • It cost millions of ostensibly normal women their sanity (and occasionally their hygiene).
  • Hang on a minute and I’ll go and ask Mr Presley who is working down at the local 7-11…He keeps talking about “… that dumb guitar my parents bought me for my eleventh birthday when what I really wanted was a bike and a few hamburgers…” That’s strange, he was there yesterday; where could he have gone?
  • Well if the child was Elvis then it supposedly cost about three times the price of his first guitar, which was purchased for him in lieu of the too expensive bike that he wanted. This guitar cost anything from $7.75 to $12.95 depending on whom you believe. Does sound a mite expensive to me. Anyway, I wish they could have afforded the bloody bicycle! (I know that won’t win me many friends, but then I’ve managed all my life without any, so who cares.)
  • 3 greenbacks, a half dollar, 3 quarters, 4 dimes, a nickel, and 3 pennys. Which goes to show how stoopid yanks are naming their money.
  • 5 months building the Amish barn? Or perhaps 5 months intensive creationist research?
  • A bahsickle for a young’un’d be two bits.
  • A buck-fifty and a cup of coffee, and, of course, a pot of honey.
  • According to the 12,563,829 web pages devoted to Elvis, a bicycle in 1946 cost much more than $12.95, which was what his family paid for a guitar as they couldn’t afford the bicycle. I, for one, would have been happy to make up the difference. What price can be put on an Elvis free environment?
  • Are you seriously asserting that all the children’s bicycles sold in Tupelo Mississippi in 1946 all cost the same? [No, only one of them. The one in the question]
  • Bicycles were banned in Mississippi, as the wheel was considered unGodly
  • Children were not allowed to ride bicyles. Segregation was being outlawed and the rednecks had to be against something.
  • Children’s bicycles were literally priceless, having been declared obscene by royal decree, and thus not legally saleable. For those engaged in the black market trade of the forbidden devices, a child’s bicycle often cost the life of the manufacturer, the wholesale distributer, the retailer, the purchaser, the child, and where applicable, the child’s pet rabbit named “Fluffy”.
  • Child’s bicycles weren’t invented yet, they were for men.
  • Don’t be cruel. More than a guitar ($12.95). Dunno, but the price must have dropped in 1947, as bicycles were then within the means of families previously unable to afford them.
  • For twenty cents you could buy the bike and for another 5 cents they would throw in a free kid. The little buggers were everywhere, what with the post war baby boom, ravaging the nation. Seems the people here didn’t have television, or cinemas. That coupled with an earlier plague of Rampant Ear Wax that left many of the local women deaf. Every night their husbands would climb into be with the wife and say to her “Do you want to go to sleep, or what?’ and the wife being hard of hearing would say “What”.
  • For whites: $6. For coloreds: $60. For Elvises: a bigga, bigga hunk o’ burning love.
  • History of AUSTRALIA: my grandfather bought a piano instead of car, probably a poor investment since piano prices went down and petrol went up! Same thing with the bike; it would have been a VERY poor investment!
  • I can’t find the price of a bicycle but as this question obviously refers to Elvis’s first guitar which cost $12.95, presumably a bicycle would have cost more than that. I did read, however, that Elvis wanted not a guitar but a .22 rifle. He did not have all of the $7.75 + 2% sales tax that it cost. His mother persuaded him to take the guitar instead and she made up the difference in price. This story comes from Frederick Bobo, the sales clerk at the Tupelo Hardware Company who conducted the sale.
  • I would buy mine from a young tousle haired lad called Elvis. That boy would buy the bikes for a dollar and sell them for fifty cents. Had a lousy head for business, but yeah, the boy could sing.
  • In 1946 the bicycle was not invented then, they only had the tricycle.
  • In what? Dollars? Pesos? Lire? Cowrie shells?
  • One Mississippi or two Mississippi.
  • Secondhand models – $5-00. Brand new – $10-00. Black market motorised models – $30-00.
  • Slightly less than a child.
  • Slightly less than an adult’s.
  • They didn’t cost anything, they were outlawed by local law due to an accident involving the Mayor’s Dog, a bicycle and a tub of vaseline
  • They didn’t exist? (Well, I’m not going to guess the price right, and it was true of armour last month)
  • Trick question–in Tupelo, MS, in ’46, there were no child’s bicycles (wartime scrap drives had consumed them all).
  • Van Morrisons third album?
  • Whatever the vendor could extort from the parents of persistently whining kids who wouldn’t accept “No” as an answer to their pleas for this post-war status symbol. The cost was colloquially and accurately known as “Peace at Any Price”.
  • Why Tupelo? Why 1946? [Because that’s where and when it was. Otherwise it would be another question, such as “In Intercourse, Pennsylvania in 1893, what did a child’s bicycle cost?” and that wouldn’t make any sense]
  • Young child or older child? Boy’s bike or girl’s bike? Brakes fitted on one wheel or two? Bell? Headlight? Basket? Tch, Dr. Bob, you need to be specific if you expect accurate answers to your inane questions. Anyway, where the hell is Tupelo? Or Mississippi for that matter? And when was 1946? [Well 1946 is long gone – unfortunately the same cannot be said of Mr Presley]

Question 3

If the integer numbers are written out as text “one” “two” etc what is the first number to have the letter ‘c’ in it?

Korrekt Answers:

  • Etc
  • The number that comes after zero – known as f___-all
  • “one” – the ‘c’ is present as part of the ‘o’
  • It’s well past the whole “is-a-billion-a-billion-or-a-thousand-million-mine’s-bigger-than-yours-bloody-Yanks” issue. That would be when you got to ‘one octillion’; if you were American you’d get there quicker (10^27) than someone using the European system (10^48). No matter what the nationality of the integer writer-outerer, I’m pretty sure that the pen, the human race and the sun will have run out of oomph before anyone could get that far.
  • 299,792,458 meters per second

C’ For Yourselves:

  • 1000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 That is one centillion in case you can’t be bothered counting. [1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 is enough]
  • Arrrrghh! You just made me waste a day’s work at the office. At about 10000000 and counting… [only a day?]
  • Can I buy a Vowel, Bob
  • Century, then one century and cix, one century and ceven, you get the picture.
  • Cinq. C’est magnifique! Non?
  • Ha! Trick question. An integer is whole, entire, complete. The “c” you’re after is in the latter word.
  • If a Roman, ‘XC’. If not, ‘one centillion’ (a number that only makes sense to Americans).
  • In English, never. In at least some other languages, such as Spanish and French, the number five.
  • No number has a c in it!
  • No number would ever written out have the letter ‘c’ in it. It one of the wonders of the universe. There is much discussion over this topic. There are many a time i am riding home on the bus and hear people talking about this topic. People just can’t believe there are no ‘c’s in the numbers. Currently i am starting a petitions to demand the use of ‘c’s in the numbers. I think i will work and go all the way to the supreme court. We are thinking about spelling six, sicks. What do you think?
  • None of them… I think… (got as far as a googleplex and gave up)
  • Octillion, the anagram for which is cotillion and is used in instances such as, “This is the octillionth cotillion I’ve attended this year, Fiona, and I’m thoroughly bored by it all.”
  • One octillion, which, by the way, is 10 to the power 768, and not whatever the Americans would have you believe. Of course, if you’re French it would be 5.
  • One octillion? Is that really a word? [No, it’s a number]
  • one two three four five <nothing yet> six seven eight nine then eleven twelve thirteen fourteen <still nothing> fifteen sixteen seventeen eighteen nineteen twenty <again nothing, no Zs either> twenty-one twenty-two twenty-three twenty-four twenty-five <only 75 to the first U> twenty-six twenty-seven <not a Q in sight either> twenty-eight twenty-nine thirty thirty-one thirty-two thirty-three thirty-four thirty-five <I really should be in bed> thirty-six thirty-seven thirty-eight thirty-nine forty forty-one forty-two <buckle my shoe> forty-three forty-four forty-five forty-six forty-seven…………………
  • Oooh! A use for my maths degree! Umm… sicks? No, thats not right.. XC? No..etc! Hmm. Octillion?
  • The first one to be misspelt. Either that, or the number is so incredibly high an OHS committee would have been called in and asked for an ergonomic workplace and at least four more tasks, and this number writing gig would end up permanently in the too hard basket. At least, that’s how it works anywhere I’ve worked.
  • The Irish tourist in the Swiss village was married, and his wife was really upset about him buying a bike. “You’ve just thrown away a trillion of dollars, do you realize?” she shouted. “More than a trillion, I guess. Maybe a full decillion, honey…” “A decillion?” cried the wife “What kind of number it is?” – “Maybe it is the first number with a c inside?” asked the man, sadly. “You’re absolutely and totally fool, man! Start counting, you idiot! Start!” and the man started: “Well… one, two, three, four…etc.” – “Have you listened, stupid man? The c arrives just after the four!”
  • The last one – who would be stupid enough to count past one octillion?
  • Twelve is the first number to have a “w” in it. Anyhoo… The roman numeral “C” for a 100. 1 “decimal point” 0 (1.0) would be the first. Aren’t I tricky and lateral thinking?
  • Unless there is a sneaky one somewhere it is the number 1000000000000000000000000000 which is an octillion
  • Written in which language, Doc. Come on be bloody specific, English, Russian, French (are these french letters), Greek, Italian, Hindu, Sanskrit….

Question 4

What is the name of George W Bush’s pet dog?

Cur-ses! Scooped again!:

  • Tony Blair
  • Only dogs know their real names.
  • I assume you are referring to George W Bush, White House, Washington D.C. and not some other George W Bush. He has two pet dogs – a Scottish Terrier called Barney and a Springer Spaniel called Spot. Find out the names and, where available, breeds of all the other “White House Dogs” through the ages at http://www.dogsinthenews.com/issues/0106/articles/010627a.htm.
  • I’m not sure what humans call him, but his secret doggy name amongst his canine friends is ‘I’m with stupid’.
  • A little known fact about George W is that he has a Golden Retriever that they cannot keep out of the water. It is named Osama and they know when the dog has been in the water and the Bush family has a private joke about Osama bin wadin’.
  • Arafat
  • Barney, ’cause his dog’s big, purple and into human/animal sexual relations too. (cue Barney theme song: “I love you! You love me! It’s called bestiality!”)
  • Barney. Its his secret password too, but keep it quiet.
  • Billy. [No, that’s his goat]
  • Blacksmith – because when Baby Bush kicks him in the guts, he makes a bolt for the door.
  • Booty
  • Cheney. Wait. That has a C in it.
  • Chunks is the dogs name. Which goes to and interesting story about Dubya getting pissed, driving home and blowing chunks.
  • Colin Powell – Bush’s Doberman, and what that man does to a rug.
  • Dick
  • Doggie
  • Due to the animal’s soulful eyes, unpredictable temper tantrums and hirsute appearance, it is affectionately known as “Saddam”.
  • Fluffy
  • George Bush and he’s married to her! Actually it’s an english cocker spaniel who’s name is Spot and her mother’s name is Millie and Millie is George Bush’s pet dog (George Bush being George W Bush’s father).
  • George had an English Springer Spaniel named Spot when he took office. Georges wife Barbara has a dog called Millie (Spot’s mother), which she has written a book with/about.
  • George W Bush’s pet dog’s name is Buddy, but what you don’t know is that he’s really a secret agent for the directorate. You may question what that is, but i can’t tell you over a unsecure line, not to mention the risks involved.
  • He has two, actually: Spotty and Barney. Both of them are webmasters. I guess anyone can learn HTML.
  • His dog’s name is Spot. His bitch’s name is Laura. His also has a pet named Barney (apparently a present from the governor of New Jersey, although if I was Dubya and someone dumped that purple mentally retarded dinosaur on me I’d call in the USAF to glass their place – death to Barney! Death! Death!! DEATH!!!!! Bwahahahahahaha!).
  • It’s “Jeb”, of course. It sure ain’t “Reveille”, but that’s a different story.
  • It’s “Lucky” What? I thought you said George Scott! Make up your mind.
  • Jenna
  • John Howard
  • Laura. Oh shit, dog. DOG. I thought you said ‘pussy’. Sorry.
  • Ooh, so much scope for rude jokes. But I’ll be nice and just say i don’t know .
  • Password. He didn’t want to be outdone by Clinton.
  • See Spot run. See Spot campaign. See Spot confuse old Floridians. See Spot recruit AG. See Spot confuse Supreme Court. See Spot elected president.
  • Snoop.
  • Splif (overt reference to the devout methodists drink & drug problems…)
  • Spot and Barney, proving for once and for all that imagination is hereditary.
  • Spot Fetcher Bush. Bound to be far more fetching than his not so alluring owner – who rightfully should be chasing balls and gnawing bones, anything to keep that bloody awful mouth closed. (If you really could die of embarrassment then I’m sure all his minders would long ago have fallen from the perch.)
  • Spot Fletcher
  • Spot, for the love of Dog.
  • ‘Spot,’ they wanted to be sure he could spell the name without consulting Cheney in public.
  • The little son of the the guy of Tupelo was shocked by that fight. His youth passed asking himself why number have so strange names, expecially the big ones. He wondered why english-speakers want to use a word as centillion, or even just “billion”. He promised to himself to never count numbers greater than a thousand. But even “a thousand” was a too complex word, so he started calling him in a latin-fashioned way, i.e. “mille”. A day, he met the young George W. Bush in a pub, and he talked a lot with him. When George listened the “mille” affair, he laughed a lot. “If I will ever have a dog, I’ll call her that way!” But, as we know, George is not so smart with spelling, so the original “Mille” became a less original “Millie” (to be continued…)
  • Well, he keeps referring to Osama bin Laden as a son-of-a-bitch…
  • Which one? he has two – a springer spaniel named Spot and a scottish terrier named Barney. Spot is the son of Millie who was the White House dog under Dubya’s father.
  • Yankee.

Question 5

A Jew and a Scot were dining out; the Scot said “I’ll pay the bill”; next day’s newspaper headline “Jewish Ventriloquist Mysteriously Strangled Behind Restaurant”. Why was this ancient joke famous again recently?

True Answer:

  • Not too recently (it turned up on rec.alt.funny in 1988). Its rediscovery led to a censorship crusade at MIT, Waterloo Ontario, and Stanford.
  • Because all the newbies think no-one ever’s forwarded THAT joke before.

This just in from NZ:

A most interesting question but unfortunately not one to which I have an answer – it took me a couple of days to work out the joke, let alone know why it was famous.

Moving Right Along:

  • Because a Jewish Ventriloquist Mysteriously Strangled Behind Restaurant the other day.
  • Because a Scotsman half-smiled on hearing for the third time.
  • Because Henny Youngman, disguised as the BVM, (blessed virgin mary) appeared to Donald Dewar who, while in an hypnagogic state, heard Youngman tell him this question would be in the next Dr. Bob Quiz.
  • Because host Ellen Degenerate finished a lame lesbian joke with the punchline “I’ll bill the gay” in front of her November 5 Emmy Award audience, who promptly strangled her to the muffled applause of all the Jewish entertainment dummies in the front row.
  • Because it actually happened, proving that Nostradamus should have been more careful with his jokes.
  • Because it so eloquently sums up the new Anglo/Scot-Israeli relationship rift.
  • Because it was a case of comedy predicting an actual event. On 10 September, 2001, this actually happened, but sadly, the events of the following day completely overshadowed it. Statistically, it won’t happen again for another 179 years. The strangling of the ventriloquist, I mean – not the WTC disaster.
  • Because it was told on “Racist Comics Come Home” at 3:30 AM on Comedy Central.
  • Because Rabbi Jock McTavish whom had never been known to open his wallet, recently shouted the bar a drink. Next day the headline read “Scottish Rabbi Suffering Alzheimers Forgets he is Jewish and Scots”.
  • Because the Pope was visiting Margaret Thatcher and stole two spoons and a fork! He told her this joke, but she didn’t laugh, she just said, “Alright, gimme the fucking silverware back” (or maybe that was Nixon’s ghost)
  • Because you just said it and reminded a load of people. That is the power of the internet. That and porn.
  • Dunno, did Mary Robertson ever visit Yitzak Rabin? [Yes, and he said to her, “…. – look, I’ll tell you this one later. When you are older]
  • God knows, I’ll bet.
  • I don’t get the joke. Something to do with Michael Hutchance’s method of suicide?
  • I know, I know – I bet that it happened at the Maccabia Games and they got it confused with the MacDonalds – the Scottish restaurant – and I also bet that a ventriloquist was in the toilet with constipation and the sub-editor who had to create a headline for the story had the cake that looked like teacake but really has some other stuff in it and it made his head really light and he went all giggly at the thought of a constipated ventriloquist at Maccas and he couldn’t help himself. Or perhaps not.
  • I must ask the same question.
  • Is this an almond daquiri Dick? – No its a hickory daquiri Doc!!! Rudolph says its pissing down in Siberia!! And Rudolph, the red, knows rain, dear!!!
  • It actually happened? It was the joke George Dubbya wanted to use to break the ice in his speech to the nation about the chase for Bin-Laden, reinforcing racial stereotypes? I can’t wait to find out the real reason…
  • It appeared as the fifth question of Dr Bob’s Skeptical Quiz question for November 2001. If *that* doesn’t make it famous, nothing will…
  • It resulted in rec.humor.funny (note the spelling) being banned from Stanford and Waterloo universities. Because it’s wildly offensive. (Later, Israelis would complain that only a putz would complain about such a joke.)
  • It rings a bell. [So did Quasimodo]
  • It was featured on rec.humor.funny.reruns (true!)
  • It was used as a test question in a recent psychology test involving students at the University of Utah. However, the test failed badly because none of the students knew what a Jew or a Scot were.
  • Millie was famous between dogs because she was the only dog able to himitate a cat’s voice. Growing up, he started to study ventrloquism, and so she was a very expensive dog. It was especially important for a jew, a deaf-and-dumb man, last son of a big family of ventriloquists. At last, he decided to steal Millie to George, to ensure his familiar activity to last and continue against his own odds. But George was a mighty governor, and he launched all the Texas policemen in the search of the jew. A scottish-rooted officier shoot the dognapper, finally, while he was eating pizza in a chinese restaurant….
  • Recent advances in DNA technology has lead to the identification and capture of the murderer.
  • Recently a Scotsman actually paid for his own meal. Big Bob McTavish was overheard saying in a bar, “if that Jewish bloke is a ventriloquist I’ll buy my own meal”.
  • Some twaddle about academic freedom…but in truth it is a damning indictment of the stagnation of western civilisation these same old stale jokes just keep coming round and round again: two peanuts were walking down the street, when suddenly one was assaulted…peanut…
  • Tell me a bloomin’ Jewish ventriloquist was found dead behind a restaurant, and I won’t believe it!
  • The joke’s previous bout of fame had lasted 14 minutes and 43 seconds, so it had an extra 17 seconds to use up.
  • The only thing I can think of is the Solomon Lew/Lindsay Fox attempt to take over Ansett. Unfortunately I cannot ascertain whether Fox has Scottish ancestry, although the “Lindsay” is Scottish.
  • The recent film ‘Cradle Will Rock’ – about a Jewish ventriloquist?
  • The World Cup qualifying competition.
  • This famous joke was revived recently because of the crime wave of Jewish ventriloquist deaths by strangulations that is sweeping Europe. It is a devastating loss for the entertainment industry.
  • US troops wrote it on the side of a missile
  • Ventriloquism is a current topic in the Australian news at the moment because the same person was apparently doing the talking for both John Howard (PM) and Kim Beazley (wannabePM). That would mean having a hand up each bum <shudder> oh, let’s not go there…..
  • Was it ever not famous?
  • You gotta hand it to those gutsy guys on the Gaza strip! Following the loss of several thousand more of their civilians, ANY joke about the death of a Zionist infidel imperialist oppressor is used for propaganda AND morale-boosting purposes, by order of Arafat Inc.

Question 6

Picture question: (Bizarre church spire) Where’s this?

Correct Answer:

Dunno. [Haven’t ANY of you been to Iceland? Come to think of it, neither have I. This is Reykjavik Cathedral (Hallgrim’s Church). See for example http://www.usatoday.com/life/travel/leisure/gallery/iceland/contenttemplate8.htm%5D

Alternative Realities:

  • In the shade, apparently.
  • Somewhere off the coast of Australia where a lone tourist, a Mr O Bin Laden, is contemplating the beautiful scenery totally unaware that the largest shark in Christendom is bearing down upon him.
  • That’s the silhouette of the Pope – he’s left open-mouthed in disbelief as the Congregation Of The Wardens Of Utterly Ridiculous And Totally Impractical Ecclesiastical Garb show him the giant Immaculate Sombrero that tradition requires him to wear during his trip to Mexico.
  • This is the Vatican’s intercontinental nuclear missle silo
  • About 4 1/2″ up from the bottom of the page!
  • Below a church steeple, I would guess somewhere in Eastern Europe, Budapest?
  • Between the photographer and the sun
  • Cydonia. It’s the signpost erected 50 trillion years ago to enable pilgrims to find their way to the pyramid complex and the Face of Mars. Some terrestrials are fooled by what appears to be a Christian cross on the top. The “cross” is actually a fertility symbol – the vertical representing the male and the horizontal, female. Those ancient Martians were a touchingly uninhibited lot when it came to religion!
  • Earth
  • Erinsborough??? (hahaha)
  • I haven’t the faintest idea but the architecture suggests somewhere in South or Central America and that could be a conquistador out front. That’s a big area so take your pick [as people do, at Serra Pelada for example]
  • I think it is in my front yard….Seriously, the prices people are quoting to put up simple fences these days…
  • I’m a little cross that I don’t know.
  • I’m not sure, exactly, but I do know how far it is from the center of the Earth.
  • In the Land of Things Freud Built His Career On.
  • In your backyard, obviously. Do you need any more popsicle sticks?
  • Is that DarthVader in the cape? If so then it’s a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away! If not then it’s one hell of a mighty church!
  • It’s Edinburgh Cathedral. Amazing what you can do with a 20 mm lens and a bit of judicious cropping. Note the ubiquitous statue of Robbie Burns to the right.
  • It’s the Leaning Art Deco Cathedral of Wagga Wagga.
  • Just before dying, the deaf-and-dumb jew used Millie to whisper his last words to the officier. Moving his finger over the stomach of the dog, he guided her to say: “I’ve seen a very beautiful place to be buried, man… I saw it in a damned australian site, hosted by a damned and f***ed doctor, and I would like to be buried there… cough, cough…. oohh… I know, I’m jew and the place is full of crosses, but I like so much the statue…. he should be the statue of the f***ed doctor , I guess…. please, please. Bury me there, Scottie”….
  • Just outside a church
  • Lightning conductor research institute?
  • Looks like the temples in Cambodia.
  • Mormon Space Shuttle Launch Facility, Utah
  • Ngapartji Multimedia Centre, 211 Rundle St, Adelaide (Computer number 6)
  • Not sure, but going by the sun the photo appears to have been taken at around 11:45 am [and if my girlfriend’s tits are correct, it’s half past six]
  • Oh my gosh, that was the clock tower at the Civic bus depot, Canberra, before they knocked it down. [Aaarghh they knocked it down? When I worked in Canberra that clock tower was one of my favourite sights – along with anything else that indicated the way home] They used to vend bus tickets from the door at the base. Shame really. There goes another NCDC-driven nail in the coffin of Burley Griffin’s art-deco dream.
  • One of Gaudi’s precious contributions to the skyline of Barcelona?
  • Outside The Church of the Hundred Steps to Heaven. (Watch out for the last few – they’re tricky)
  • Pedantic answers: The Earth. The sun (It’s in there!) Actual answer: Um.. somewhere in Europe?
  • Perhaps it’s in Ecuador, perhaps it’s on one of the planets that good Mormons go to, or maybe it’s all in your mind, Dr. Bob.
  • Since god does not exist and this building is a house of god it can be safe to say that this place does not exist, or with logic like that should I join the One Notion party.
  • Somewhere over the rainbow.
  • Spain. It looks like Gaudi.
  • The Holy Temple of St Viagra the Large.
  • This beautiful cathedral is found in Antartica. Yes, I know what your thinking you didn’t know the Antartican’s were Catholic but yes they are. Because of the whole south part of the world thing and the daylight problem they only go to church 3 times a year but they are a religious people.
  • This is a trick photo. Aunty Edna got out the serrated scissors and hacked away the desktop bitmap image that she printed on her $125.99 colour printer. You can only guess at her surprise when the kid next door got at it with his stanley knife and cut out the outline of a tropical fish swimming over an old tupperware box of sinkers. The crucifix at the top has them both a bit curious. Perhaps (type in the name of your favourite cleric; mine is the late, great Danny Mannix) also had a crack at it.
  • Trick question–it isn’t anywhere, Dr. Bob just made a computer generated picture.
  • Under exposed, you can hardly see the madonna and child in the foreground
  • Well “This” is always right here, by definition. Similarly, “That” is always over there. Oh, you wanted me to look at the picture? Why didn’t you say so?

Compulsory Comments:

  • These used to be optional. What happened?
  • grunt [Yes, I’ve got a 486 DX-33]
  • ‘Aardvark’ didn’t work last month, dammit. What if I put ‘zymurgy’ in front of each answer next month? Will I then win? Will I, Dr. Bob? Will I? [Possibly, as you are so willing]
  • Absolutely appalling (my answers, not the quiz). Only got 3 right this time Bob.
  • Are these comments no longer optional Bob? What kind of masochist are you?
  • First time in several months. The quiz, I mean.
  • Good work U Bob, keep these questions up to standard!
  • I am a clairvoyant. I can see into the future. I see you in my crystal ball, awarding me the prize for my 100% accurate answers. You WILL do this. I am never wrong! For instance, on New Year’s Day this year, I predicted that there would be violence in – of all places – Bethlehem. The skeptics at the party sneered, but I was right! I also predict that Liz Taylor will undergo detoxing, launch a new perfume, lose 100 kgs and marry her next husband, and that’s just in the first 2 months of next year!! I look forward to being named the winner. Yours – Madame Basia
  • I have to admit to a certain amount of paranoia when doing a search on “george bush”AND”dog” – your request may be monitored for quality assurance purposes… please ignore the black van that just pulled up outside…
  • I enjoyed the speedy posting of the new questions, the speedy posting of the old answers, and the lack of an updated answers page – yay for giving random answers to unknown questions!
  • I have been trapped in this truly hideous ‘Introduction to Management’ course for five days now. If one more person uses the words ‘vision’ and ‘mission’ in the same sentence I fear I shall be forced to carpet bomb them. Every day I have been ready to start for home, but outside the door it remains a scene of americanised jargon and poorly constructed PowerPoint presentations. I do not think I can hope for any better things now. I shall stick it out to the end, but I am getting weaker, of course, and the end cannot be far. It seems a pity, but I do not think I can write more. Last journal entry. For God’s sake, look after our TimTams.
  • I try, and I try, and I try, and I try, but I can’t get no fill in the blank.
  • If I begin all my answers with “Trick Questions” will I sound as peculiar as the guy who begins his with “Aardvark” (South African earth pig).
  • I’m too lazy to come up with good answers. Can I win anyway, just because I’m a nice guy?
  • Is that you on the right side of the picture, Dr Bob? Nice ponytail!
  • It’s okay for you, you jet-setting elitist peripatetic bastard, but some of us haven’t got the dosh to travel further than the local shops, so how the hell are we supposed to get your bloody picture questions, huh?
  • Much as I’m flattered to see all 15 of my answers (in different aliases) listed, I think maybe it would be nice if you could edit out the repetitions. It just isn’t a challenge anymore… although at least all of my answers to the Churchill question got highlit words 🙂 [Sorry – we can’t identify who the authors are unless you fess up in one of the text boxes – we get only the web form without any header info]
  • No [That’s what my wife said, too]
  • Once, very little scope for piss-take answers (but I’ve tried my best…)
  • Proof again that I really need to get out less…
  • Raindrops on kettles and warm woolen kittens, Bright copper roses and whiskers on mittens, Small noisy children all tied up with string, These are a few of my Valium dreams.
  • Sad but true, I’m insisting on never giving the right answer again!!
  • So Scottie sold the house, and bought a ticket to Sydney. He’s just flying, right now, and his only baggage is Walther PPK 45, with a special silver bullet. He never discovered where that place with cross and statue is, but he’s quite sure to find the f***ed doctor [Not in Sydney! Unless I get abducted]. He wrote a strange “DRBOB” with a knife, over the silver bullet. (The End). P.S. – I’ll never learn english, Dr. Bob, if you continues with this kind of f***ed questions!
  • Sorry for waisting your time once again.
  • Thankyou for yet another quiz, the answers to which, I have NFI
  • There’s nothing quite like doing one of these quizzes when you have no idea of the answers.
  • This lot was difficult and there wasn’t much scope for the champagne comedy I usually offer.
  • This was a very stimulating and exciting questionnaire. I will be thinking about it all day long. [Like I do. But back to the questionnaire…]
  • Tuk under thurnb and held firmly. Add second chcostick hold it as you hold a pencil. Hold tirst chopstick in original position move the second one up and down Now you can pick up anything.
  • We continue our story of Dr. Bob, a quack that has gone to the dogs. This week Dr. Bob turns to Nurse Janet and says “Why would some one go to a Red light district?” Nurse Janet says “Sex, Dr. Bob”. Then Dr. Bob says “No, not right now, maybe later”.
  • Why should you get your knockers in a twist about posting Taliban jokes and the events of 11 September? It’s synchronicity, mate! Who cares what others may think? Go for it! I, for one, am on the side of full freedom of speech!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [And of exclamation marks]
  • Yet again I knew none of the answers. But perhaps I can tie my personal record for most joke answers you actually bothered to put under the real ones.
  • Your setup doesn’t seem to recognize hard returns, making any list-like entry an impenetrable block of text. [Don’t I know it! I spend 4-5 hours every month reformatting the answers. Then the Web master has to turn it from Word 97 to HTML…]
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