Answers for August 2000

Despite some quite good entries by David Wicks, Olav Rokne (again), Sam Ross (yet again), and Dave Hawley (oh no – yet again), after suitably grave consideration we have decided that our winner this month is

John Coffin

Question 1

What is President Clinton’s computer password?

Correct Answer:

username:clinton, password: buddy – In July 2000, the President signed into law a new Act which allows electronic signatures to have the force of written signatures. He signed the new law by hand in the traditional way and then signed it electronically, with much fanfare. News photo caption: “Using the name of his pet dog Buddy as a password, the President electronically signs into law….”

Equally Correct Answers:

  • The thing he types in to access secure information.
  • I wasn’t aware of that, but now you have informed me I will try it out.
  • Hey – that’s Top Secret, and Highly Classified (which generally means it’s widely known in the USA). [No – ‘hey’ is only 3 letters]
  • Hopeandhistory [This was the only dignified entry received. Moving right along:]

One of These Five is Right

Ummmmmmm… Socks? Buddy? Chelsea? Kill_Ken_Starr? No, Don’t Touch That Big Red Button!!

Answers changed every 30 days:

  • Ansell. Bill can remember this easily because he knows the only way he can contain himself when (f)logging-on is by using it correctly.
  • Haywood Jablowme (To break into Bill Clinton’s computer:
  • Password It’s a lame password – he’s a lame president
  • 1tsg00dt0b3th3pr3z
  • 6969696969
  • a (because he just can’t remember too much about the conversation)
  • BigCarBigCigar
  • chnugfv;wuMonicaircgehm;cgwehCigarmxg’erhjiferv;krasdn;kvasdn’lhv;chmivejrfo’;iqej,xl’;ej’foqejklj,vevejvlbqe;hjvb;ckvbw;ivcb;wicb;wivubvjkbwe;kfhw;ifffbf;bf;hb;ibfiq;ebferbf [This is the sound made by … – oh never mind]
  • Heads you win
  • CigarsRUs
  • He doesn’t have a password because according to his defence attorney he never actually enters the computer system.
  • Open Wide And Let Me In
  • password See, Bill is the type of guy who probably doesn’t think much about security. I mean, just look at his public record.
  • Rosebud
  • Shaft! (damn right)
  • Whothehellstolemysourcecode?
  • Doesn’t need one. He uses a padlock.
  • He does not have one. He uses a stenographer.
  • He doesn’t have his own computer. If necessary, he dictates an intern-al memorandum, or the White House typing pool will provide him with a lap-top. [Groan]
  • I do know, but I’m not going to tell anyone – I’m having too much fun hacking into his account (last week I changed his screen saver to a picture of Tammy Bakker smoking a cigar and the screaming didn’t stop for at least 20 minutes). I am prepared to swap this info for several million US dollars, or nude pictures of Kerry O’Brien.
  • If he follows government protocol, then you’re a mighty good sleuth, as they want you to change your password weekly. Then again, he doesn’t seem to follow other government protocols, like the idea of not being fellated while talking on the phone to world leaders.
  • If I knew that I’d be able to get a decent blow-job.
  • Presumably he has changed it since it has become public knowledge. Now it’s probably something scatological or sexually offensive (like Bill) or both.
  • Probably something inordinately inordinate, like “cigar” or “monicaL” or “giveittomebigboyyouknowhowIlikeit”.
  • If I told you I’d have to kill you, and we don’t want that, now.
  • ilovedrbob
  • Let’s see. Clinton’s password is… hmm… why, it’s the same as yours! In fact, you’re Clinton! Uh, oh, Bill, did you forget your password again? Really, sir, this has got to stop. Get one of your secret service guys to remember it for you. Him. The big one with the sunglasses. No, the one on the right. Yeah. And stop calling me at home. Use the red phone. (Shamelessly copied from:
  • Do you mean the passphrase used by computers to authenicate Bill Clinton, or the passphrase used by Bill Clinton to gain access to restricted data? If it’s the first, then I know of four passwords for Bill Clinton (Hey! Don’t look at me like that! Password collecting is a valid, internationally recognised recreational activity – in fact it’s being considered as a demonstration sport at the ’04 Olympics, but I digress…): “234abc56” (this is the encrypted password on one of the Whitehouse ftp servers, but I’m running a dictionary attack as we speak. I should have the cleartext some time next tuesday), “654654” (from his off-shore data haven in Brazil), “buddy” (for a free email account he picked up at Comdex – I’ve got a feeling that this is the one you’re after), and “zaqxswde” (from a Whitehouse internal mail server). If it’s the second, then it’s probably something like “Hey Hillary! Get me them pictures of nekkid chicks on th’ net!” with the implied “‘Member wha’ happens when yeh don’t!” tactfully left unsaid.

Question 2

Of the 24 chromosomes (1-22 plus X and Y) which is the smallest?

Correct Answer:

  • And as the nurse told me recently, “You needn’t be concerned about a little thing like that.”
  • As I have told you many times before… SIZE DOESN’T MATTER! Oh alright… the little one on the end.
  • The littlest one is the smallest. It probably the one that makes boys boys… ;-))
  • They’re all bloody small! My tape measure just doesn’t have tiny enough markings on it. Let’s just say they are all less than a few metres, OK? Near enough for me.

Genetically Modified Answers:

  • “1-22 plus X” simplifies to “X-21”. Having no data for X and Y, I must assume the simplest theory – that they are equal – and hence that X-21 is smaller than Y. But you forgot to list the other 22 chromosomes.
  • 1 if you write it as only a straight line, but it can be X or Y depending on your handwriting
  • 1 of course. They are all the same height, 10-22 are too wide X and Y are also pretty wide which leaves 1-9 of which 1 is the slimmy.
  • The little known C chromosome, which carries the logic sequence and is entirely missing from creation “scientists” and alternative “medicine” practitioners).
  • At it is revealed that the smallest is the Y chromosome.
  • I’m told that the Y-chromosome of negroid men is, on average, larger than that of caucasian men.
  • In humans, the Y chromosome is smallest. Which is nothing short of amazing, since there are so many male-specific genes that have to fit onto it – loci mapped so far include genes for: hogging the telly remote (surf), playing air guitar (riff), aircraft identification (747), ability be entertained by mind-bogglingly repetitive games for hours (N64 and PSII), domestic blindness (wot), leaving the loo seat up (not-I), thinking that farts are a highbrow form of humour (pfft), fear of going to the doctor (tuff), enjoyment of war films with lots of explosions (kwai), tendency to wear a shirt for a week without seeing the need to launder (grot), fascination with firearms (bang), worship of ludicrously high performance cars (v8) and ludicrously low performance motorcycles (hog), tendency to exist solely on junk food if left unsupervised (kfc), constant clamouring for sex (beg), surreptitious checking of unremarkable physique in the bathroom mirror (flex), inability to express affection over the phone (me-2), reluctance to share possessions (mine) whilst being eager to borrow those of others (ourz), and being totally unconvincing liars (crok).
  • Lucky number 13.
  • Obviously this differs between heterosexual genres. The smallest on a man being the ability to ask directions especially if driving at the time, and of a woman of course the impulsive nooky gene, which only comes to surface after a total eclipse of the earth by Pluto. Persons outside either of these genres can only be seen as having the iamnormal gene as the smallest.
  • The sex chromosome!
  • Sneezy
  • the blue one
  • The chromosomes for creationists brains.
  • The one responsible for the appendix, the tonsils, and other anatomically superfluous organs
  • The smallest is chromosome 21 with 225 active genes, the next to the smallest is chromosome 18, the Munchkin Gene, responsible for producing very small people who run around in striped stockings and little upturned pointy shoes with bells attached to the toes. They like to sing songs and rub their tummys at the same time. Also, they set fire to the Scarecrow.
  • The third one from the left, second row
  • The X-chromosome (and Mulder and Scully are working on finding out why…)
  • The Y chromosome – one of its little bits fell off, thereby giving rise to penis envy which resulted in males forever checking to see who got the bit they lost
  • The Y chromosome is the smallest.
  • The Y chromosome, but it’s not the size that counts, baby.
  • The Y chromosome. “Man” is a euphemism for “chromosomally deficient person”. [Uh? Oh, this is female humour. Sorry]
  • the ‘Y’ chromosomes…which just goes to prove that men’s preoccupation with size is more deep-rooted than most people think.
  • The Y of course it’s missing a little leg to make it a X
  • There are a lot more than 24 chromosomes. E regnans? A robusta? G gorilla? H sapien sapien? C sativa? Staph aurea? Pseudo aeurginosa? B cepacia? E coli?
  • Well, at first I thought you were being shifty and this was a trick question. Because when I found this website (, and had a look at all the pictures of the chromosomes, they were all the same size: 70 x 740 pixels! So none of them were smallest! Or all of them! Then I realised I was being a retard – I’m supposed to ignore the numbers and the blank bits around the edges. A couple of minutes with a stack of printouts and a tape measure gave me the smallest chromosome: 21 (at 31 x 153 pixels). And then I thought maybe I wasn’t supposed to ignore the numbers. Maybe I had to find the chromosome with the smallest numbers. This gave a four-way tie between 1, 4, 9 and 19 (all having a pair of 11s as the smallest numbers). And then I thought that was a dumb idea, since 1 and 4 had lots of numbers and didn’t look very small. So maybe you want the chromosome with the fewest numbers or maybe the smallest range of numbers. Both of those were Y. Spooky huh? So my answers (in order of preference) are: “Y”, “21”, “1, 4, 9 and 19”, “all” and “none”.
  • Why?
  • X just seems to be larger, but it’s actually just bloated from gene retention.
  • Y – the gene lacking in 70% of fundamentalists the world over.
  • Y is this so?
  • And Y not, I ask. By the way, a garden pea has 14 chromosomes, a potato 48 and a crayfish 200. People have 46. Does that mean we’re dumber than spuds and crustaceans but smarter than peas? Is a chromosome related to an ironosome and a nickelosome? Bugger, I’m writing crap again.

Question 3

How thick is the ice at the South Pole?

Correct Answers:

  • I’ll assume you mean the GEOGRAPHIC south pole, which does not move, instead of the MAGNETIC one, which does. 8,850 feet (2,700 m)
  • Zero, it’s in the Dumont d’Urville Sea at the moment.

Polarised Answers:

  • Here we go again; which South Pole Bob? The cold, hard facts: there are three South Poles. The first is the striped ceremonial pole where people have their pictures taken. The actual geographic pole is about 90 meters away along the 160 west longitude line. The third pole is the south geomagnetic dip pole and is over 2,700 km from the geographic pole. In fact, it is currently not even on the Antarctic continent, but is off the coast near the French Dumont D’Urville station. The last time it was located (1986) it was at 65.30 S and 1400 E. The geomagnetic pole wanders because of the motion of Earth’s conducting fluid interior. In 1841, James Ross located this Pole for the first time to be over the continent at 75.50 S and 1540 E. The south geomagnetic pole was not visited until 1909, when Australians Mawson, David, and McKay found that it had wandered 375 km north of Ross’ position, heading for the sea at a rate of 5.5 km/yr. The average thickness of the ice sheet that covers 98% of Antarctica is 2,200 meters (7,200 feet). (The station inhabitants actually sell sweatshirts with the saying: “Ski South Pole: 2 miles of base, 2 inches of powder.”) This amounts to 90% of the ice and 70% of all the fresh water in the world. The thickest ice found is in Wilkes Land, where it reaches a depth of 4,776 meters (15,669 feet). That is about as deep as the highest of the Alps is high. If the ice cap were to melt, the average sea level would rise 67 meters (230 feet). The weight of all this ice is so enormous that the continent buried beneath it would rise to an average altitude of 1,000 meters (3,280 feet) if the ice sheet were removed. Under this thick layer of ice is also an unfrozen lake the size of lake Ontario. (
  • 0.931 gram per cubic centimetre
  • 5k – my shortest answer ever! Oh, now it isn’t. Dammit it is getting worse!
  • A bloody sight thicker than the answer to last month’s Arctic doozy, tell yer Mum.
  • Again with the spherocentric questions. The earth has no poles. it has the rim which is north, and the hub which is south. At the hub there is an infinitely tall mountain of ice upon which rest the gods.
  • As with the North pole, there is no ice at the South Pole proper. The South Pole area is the other entrance to the secret inner world (and I told you this last month) where flying saucers come from and the makers of crop circles live. The earth gently curves inwards to become the entrance to the inner world.
  • At we discover it is 2.85 kilometres thick. Obviously, it’s all flowed downhill from the North Pole and piled up nice and thick.
  • Average thickness is 2,000 meters and greatest measured thickness is 4,770 meters. If I get all of these right, do I win?
  • averages 1.9 miles deep. Waiter!!! I ordered mine with no ice.
  • Before or after you subtract the frozen husky poo referred to in one of the answers to your question about what Scott et al found when they got there? Thought I’d forgotten that, didn’t you, Dr. Bob?
  • Depends upon how thick the ice is at the north pole, and whether it was a hot day when measured.
  • Eskimos report this to be 400m which accounts for the 410m length of a standard fishing line spool. However it has been known to be significantly less when walking on it, especially when looking for Slartibartfasts signature in the glaciers. One recent southern trek by the Plunder and Destroy Viking Resurgence movement reported a chasm deep enough to hold the entire population of Krakafoon.
  • I have never had a chance to have a chat, but I can imagine it is too thick to be of much value at a trivia night.
  • I’m not sure, but it can’t be thinner than the North Pole ice otherwise the Earth would ‘flip over’ as it would be top-heavy.
  • I’m sure that if some idiot went and diamond coated that big brass thingy they have down there, I would’ve seen it on TV. Therefore there is no ice on the south pole.
  • No thicker than he is at any other of his concert performances (although the Antarctic tour was particularly ill conceived, as was changing his name from ‘Vanilla’ to ‘The’)
  • Not thick at all. It got an A in science, maths and English and a B in computer studies and art.
  • Really, really thick. If it was smarter, it would hang out at an exclusive ski resort, where it would have beautiful people falling all over it or dashing out of the sauna and rolling naked on it (if it picked its location carefully, it could later evaporate and go somewhere warmer for the summer) – but no, it just slouches around in the Antarctic, with penguins crapping on it and earnest scientific types digging bits out of it (core sample drilling: acupuncture for icebergs). Yep, that ice sounds pretty thick to me.
  • Since Scott and his men had no one to argue about conjugal rights with (the Siberian ponies all having died)the air there was also “thick as ice.”
  • Slightly smarter than the ice at the North Pole. It doesn’t have to spend all its time paddling hard to stay afloat and can spend its time relaxing on dry land and discussing philospohy with passing penguins.
  • South Pole? What are you talking about? Isn’t this the flat earth society? (Sorry, wrong quiz).
  • The ice at the pole is so thick it lets american airmen land there and turn their engines off.
  • The ice at the South Pole is not significantly thicker than at the North– Northern ice is just prejudiced against the South Pole’s drawl.
  • Thick enough to hide the alien spacecraft that will eventually thaw out and take over the world. (Ever see the X-Files movie?)
  • Thick enough to reach from the ground to the sky.
  • Very thick (about 3km), and for whatever reason the ice is moving at about 10m a year. So the poor people down there have to keep putting new poles in to mark the correct position.
  • Well, I ain’t no Einstein but you wouldn’t catch me sitting about in the South Pole all year round!

Question 4

From 1990-2000 the highbrow Frankfurter Allgemeine Zeitung literary section featured headlines plundered from what other publication?

Correct Answers:

  • Donald Duck comics. Two journalists are members of a society called “Donald” that is dedicated to the promotion of Mr Duck. It took the Germans 10 years to notice it.
  • The Collins German Dictionary

Flabbbl chpuck skwizzaqky:

  • Beer and Sausage Monthly
  • Bratwursts of the World
  • Das Kleine Arschloch Kehrt Zuruck
  • Donald and Mickey Go on Holiday
  • Dr Bob’s Journal
  • Enid Blighton’s Mr Pinkwhistle Interferes [The mind boggles! Does this have pictures?]
  • Gleanings In Bee Culture
  • Greenwich Train Spotters Newsletter
  • Hustler. The Germans can’t appreciate porn unless it’s presented as art, whereas the Aussies…
  • I was thinking National Enquirer then I thought National Lampoon, then I thought maybe Slutty Babes then I went to the shops
  • Jill Oxton’s Cross Stitch Australia, published quarterly by Jill Oxton Publications, Park Holme, South Australia.
  • Mills & Boon
  • National Enquirer
  • Neue Wege im entwicklungspolitischen Denken Weltentwicklungsbericht 1999 / 2000
  • New Idea
  • New Scientist, of course 🙂
  • News of the World
  • Nintendo Power. The literary elite of Germany, for all their superior intellect, could not find the damned secret door in Banjo/Kazooie.
  • Penthouse
  • Playboy
  • Readers Digest
  • Since FAZ was notoriously pro-Croatian during that period, the answer is probably “from another right-wing German rag such as Der Spiegel“. Then again, they could have been borrowing from the Volkischer Beobachter, another lively little German publication of a few years ago!
  • Sudoxoron, a missing book of the Bible.
  • The Answers in Genesis web page.
  • The Bulletin – nobody reads it which is why it took a decade to twig to the dastardly Hun deed. And that was before the “FAZ” misspelled the correct name of the Fatherland. (Or is there just a teensy chance that Dr. Bob stuffed up the spelling all by himself?)
  • The script for ‘The Rocky Horror Picture Show’ – sorry! sorry! I’m getting confused with the ‘Frankenfurter Allgemeine Zeitung’…
  • VIZ magazine
  • Weekly World News
  • Young and Modern The readership of the two magazines has exactly a Zero percent overlap, and so the purloined headlines went unnoticed for a decade.
  • Well I must say you’ve excelled yourself in obscurity and I’m proud to say I wouldn’t have the foggiest.

Question 5

What was unusual about the 1975 LP The Best of Tony Bennett?

Correct Answers:

  • The problem facing the record company tasked to produce this album was that before there could be an album of the best of Tony Bennett, there would actually have to *be* a best of Tony Bennett. And there wasn’t (still isn’t) – all his ‘music’ (for want of another word) is equally dreadful. It would be like trying to compile ‘The Best of Archbishop George Pell’s Sermons On Tolerance And Christian Charity’, or ‘The Best Of Pauline Hanson’s Policies’, or ‘The Best Of Creation Science’s Rational Explanations’, or ‘The Best Of George Speight’s Hairstyles’. As a result of this, this LP has only one track on it: Bennett performing Cage’s “4:33” arranged for human voice, steel drums and whoopee cushion.
  • It was the only LP ever released that the record company didn’t bother to press before encasing it in a cover and sending it to the shops.
  • Some one bought a copy; it didn’t have a version of “I Left My Heart in San Francisco”; it was made in 1972
  • The whole album consisted of 10 thematic variations of the piece “4 minutes 33 seconds”. I mean, seriously Dr Bob! The best of Tony Bennett?
  • It’s very sexy
  • When you played it in reverse, you could hear satanic verses (ingesting a bottle of wine being a prerequisite to achieve this effect.)

The Best of the Answers:

  • That anybody remembers it.
  • He doesn’t appear on it.
  • It came pre-scratched and was designed to instantly break your needle therefore making the needle companies a bundle
  • It doesn’t exist. According to the discography, an LP ‘Best of Tony Bennett’ was released somewhere in the 80’s. There was a greatest hits collection earlier in the 70’s but nothing in 1975 except a collaboration with some jazz dude. Maybe they meant to release it but forgot to put the little hole in the middle of the LP’s. When they were beginning to throw them out, they saw how the aerodynamic design made the object fly for quite a distance in the air. Dogs would leap up and catch them in their mouths. The frisbee craze was born. Thanks, Tony Bennett!
  • It is blank – it is a recording of all the moments just before and just after he plays.
  • It was actually the longest album ever recorded. Tony Bennett can only be described as a God in the music world. That, and I don’t know where he got the time from, what, with all that Sale of the Century stuff he had to do
  • It was approximately 3mm wide and consisted of the singer clearing his throat before a performance
  • It was not a Tony Bennett LP. Most likely, by some punk band who wanted to shock the little old ladies who received it.
  • It was one-sided.
  • It was recorded entirely on black licorice.
  • It was the first album released as a Compact Disk (CD)?
  • It was the first LP to be fitted with a razor edge for swift “Frisbee-style” decapitation. This was recalled when that feature proved more popular than the music.
  • It wasn’t Tony Bennett.
  • It wasn’t (the best of Tony Bennett, I mean.)
  • It would be too obvious to say it was 45 minutes of silence, so how about a crack about it being square – including the shape.
  • It’s not listed in Tony Bennett’s discography.
  • I’ve never heard of it. (Oh, *UN*usual. Sorry.)
  • No Tony Bennett singing on it. This of course is a good thing and is something many other artists should practice e.g. rap remember the C is silent
  • Nope, I dont see it listed (below). Not suprising though; “the best of” and “Tony Bennett” in the same sentence is certainly very, very unusual.
  • That anyone bought it.
  • That there were any tracks at all!
  • The hidden track
  • The most unusual thing about this LP was that it was actually the first CD offered for sale to the general public. Sadly, as domestic CD players were not yet available, sales were poor. This resulted in the 1991 re-release.


  • *sigh* you will have to abandon any hope of a career as a psychic…or even as an accountant. I protest that I did not eat sausages for breakfast on 9/7/2000 – I never eat breakfast sausages. [Oh, it was me, sorry] Also, I had an affogato, not a latte. [Yes, you get these in the Brisbane River] I hope it’s not too much of a disappointment for you to give up these career options… 😉
  • [from Belgium] Is it really true they put the famed Roman Coliseum instead of the famed Greek Acropolis on the Olympic medals? Can the organisers really be that stupid?
  • <“Optional comments”>. Here you are, Dr Bob. Anything else?
  • A group of my friends and I got together to form an a cappella singing group. We had to give up the idea as we could not find an orchestra to back us.
  • An evil wizard turned my brother Tommy into a hammer, my sister Hannah into a nail, and my mother and father into tool boxes. They now live in Grandpa’s basement on the work bench.
  • And they call this misuse of the internet….
  • At least you let Hergé alone this time, and about time too.
  • automatic $1200, aircon $1500, ABS $2300, driver airbag $1800, power windows $950
  • Beer!
  • Doctor of what? [Philosophy]
  • G’day Bob .. love your work. [OK, you can get on with that while I compile the trivia quiz]
  • good
  • Hey dude!
  • Hi Dr. Bob are you the same one from the Muppet Show.
  • Hope you enjoyed your holiday!
  • I eagerly await September’s question: How thick is the ice at the equator?
  • I spared^h^h^h^hent no effort on this one!
  • I surrender. What’s a liberal arts major supposed to do? [Well, ….]
  • I’m not jealous that you spent time in WA. I’m going to the West Indies (nyah nyah nyah)!!! [Jamaica – sorry wrong joke] [Nyah is in northern Victoria]
  • I’m still here. You’re still there. Sigh.
  • Is Friday 31st an unlucky day for dyslexics?
  • Keep up the wonderful work Dr B, and eat lots of bananas because they’re good for you.
  • moo said the cow.
  • Q: What gets wetter the more it dries?
  • Terry Pratchett’s Discworld books are more fun than Enid Blighton, although I don’t remember Mr Pinkwhistle or the upper fourth girls from Mallory Towers ever actually saying ‘Bugger’ or ‘Ohshitohshitohshit’ out loud quite so much…..
  • Thank you for the option. I have no comment.
  • The Hawkwind & Philip Glass videos are in the mail. Do I win or do I still need 5 correct answers?
  • Well if nothing else this certainly gets me in trouble when reading the answers and sometimes even the questions. People walk past and wonder why I giggle so much and I tell them it’s Dr. Bobs fault.
  • Why are people so unkind?
  • With sufficient political protest we can finally be rid of the force of gravity; surely this is the sort of endeavour about which no-one could possibly be skeptical. See
  • You’re supposed to keep your lucky horseshoe’s ends up ‘to keep the luck from pouring out.’ Because you don’t want to have a doorstep covered in luck which will enter the sewage system during the next rain and drain to the ocean, resulting in unnaturally fortunate salmon. — Lore,