Answers for September 1999

Nobody got ANY of these right this month, except there were two correct A5’s (neither of the authors knew they were correct) and bloody Hawley got #1 right, complete with URL reference. Since I am fed up with finding that Dave Hawley’s answers are still the best for a 5thmonth running (they are all in here somewhere), the Winner this month is really the runner up, a first-time entrant

The Blackadderess

Who gives “location: Avoca”, but that may just be the name of the server where the Skeptics web page messages were temporarily stored. I must check it in my Little Black Adderess Book … Groan


Question 1

What proportion of the crimes in the Noddy books are committed by the Golliwogs?

Correct answer:

About 6% www.geocities.com/EnchantedForest/1424/golly2.htm

Alternative Answers:

  • I’m not sure it’s possible to commit partial crimes; rather like having half a hole; or being slightly pregnant.
  • If the Golliwogs had planned, say, a dozen crimes, then only committed six of them, then the proportion committed would be a simple 50%. But not being cognisant of the Golliwogs’ agenda, nor being aware of other crimes they may have planned and/or committed that weren’t reported by Enid Blyton, the proportion of planned versus actually committed crimes is simply not calculable from the information available.
  • 100% We all know that nice white children’s characters don’t commit crimes don’t we?
  • 100%, the wicked little Blightoners. It is no coincidence that the evil black stuff in laser printer cartridges is called “toner”.
  • 13.5324% – Golliwogs are notorious record keepers
  • A lot less than any reasonable person would accept as evidence the author was indulging in racist stereotypes. The only reason they got away with replacing the golliwogs with goblins is that there’s no pro-goblin lobby group.
  • All apart from the Racial Vilification ones committed by Enid
  • All the alleged property crimes are supposedly committed by the golliwogs. All driving offences are committed by Noddy. Mr Plod should be in gaol for graft and corruption and Big Ears predilection for little boys is well documented. All three, Plod, Noddy and Ears should also be charged under the anti-discrimination legislation for bigotry towards golliwogs.
  • All those not committed by someone else. [Typical Canberra answer] Query. Does Big Ears’ suspected paedophilia or Plod’s prediliction for unpaid lunches count?
  • Exactly 0%…..it may appear that crimes are committed by the Golliwogs, but they were all framed by the Russian Spies….
  • Frankly Dr Bob, I don’t have a Noddy?
  • I don’t know. But let’s face it, there’s simply nothing funnier than a smoking monkey
  • In the new “politically correct” version the golliwogs have been banished to the back of jam jars to avoid racist concepts. All crimes are now committed by goblins and bumpy Dog.
  • It is not appropriate to label criminal elements as belonging to a specific minority. The Golliwogs are the unfortunate victims of a cruel and uncaring society. Hang your head in shame Dr Bob.
  • None – the crimes were really committed by Noddy and Big Ears disguised in blackface. They then blamed the crimes on the racial minority in town, and since it was the 1950’s, the ruling establishment in the form of P.C.Plod (an ex-Queensland copper, moved to Toyland after Joh was voted out to avoid being asked embarrassing questions in the Royal Commission) believed their unfounded evidence against the oppressed Golliwogs. It was a CONSPIRACY!!! Or something like that.
  • Zero, because the Golliwogs aren’t in Noddy books anymore. Was the question meant to say “What proportion of crimes in Noddy books _were_ committed by Golliwogs” or was it a trick question? [Another treasured part of my childhood is lost for ever. At least I still enjoy practising the perversions I learned from my Noddy books]

Question 2

Why did Hitler send his personal photographer with Ribbentrop when the latter first went to visit Stalin?

Correct Answers:

  • No, No, not another !@#$%^&* Hitler question!!!
  • Hitler believed that Jews had peculiarly shaped ear lobes. (Bear with me a moment, please) The photographer’s specific mission was to get a snap of Joe’s ears, because Adolf suspected that Joe was partly Jewish and thus not to be trusted.
  • Ribbentrop didn’t have one of his own.

Probably also correct answer:

  • The photographer, one Walther Hewel, was actually appointed by Ribbentrop to be Hitler’s diplomatic liaison officer. He had become a close confidant of Hitler, and reported directly back to him the actual rather than diplomatic proceedings of the 23 August 1939 meeting. Hitler was really hanging out for this particular agreement; it was less than two weeks to the planned attack on Poland.

Equally Bizarre Answers

  • He probably wanted to check out what paintings to loot from the Kremlin.
  • They wanted a half-decent photograph for the occasion, he had the Leica, and they found they couldn’t fit everyone into one of those little instant photo booths in the Moscow subway.
  • Hitler wanted some hard photographic evidence to back up the rumours that Stalin liked dressing up in ledenhosen and featherboas, singing “The English are a bunch of Capitalist Pigs” and “Winston the Wuss” in order to psyche out the Brits. But MI5 already had those sort of photos, so it backfired a bit.
  • Because he was having an affair with the photographers wife
  • Because Hitler wanted to make sure HE was on the cover of ‘Fascist Dictator monthly’, and not some Russian wannabe
  • Because that way he could compare photos without any other differences. He was mad, they get like that sometimes.
  • Because the scenery was just divine!
  • For money raising purposes, Stalin and Hitler published a calender of ‘artistic’ photographs
  • For photographs. What a silly question. I really don’t think he sent the photographer to collect lint balls from the bottom of room decorations.
  • Germans are really into porn, or so I hear.
  • He couldn’t be bothered paying an interior decorator to design the interior of his new house, so he decided to copy Stalin’s.
  • Hitler was fed up with that particular photographer, and since Stalin had already killed more people than Hitler ever would, he was hoping to get rid of him.
  • Hitler liked Stalin’s face.
  • It was a Kodak moment.
  • Jealousy. Hitler’s mustache was woeful compared to Stalin’s. He wanted its blueprints snapped so that German Engineers could fabricate a facsimile.
  • Photos for his collection of “my least favourite dictator” albums.
  • The meeting was a huge secret and Hitler wanted a photographer he could trust who wouldn’t sell the pics to Channel 9.
  • There was also a rumour that, unlike Hitler, Stalin showed up in mirrors, and they wanted some photographic evidence.
  • To shoot the next year’s edition of the raunchy “Dream Dictators” calendar [Pity that’s not all that was shot]

Question 3

What is the last word of James Joyce’s Finnegan’s Wake?

Correct Answer

– by Dr Bob, And Which Nobody Got So It Shows How Ignorant and Unread You All Are: “the”. Strictly, the text ends with the broken sentence “A way a lone a last a loved a long the” [no full stop] But then below it says “Paris 1922-1939” and then the page number “628” Then in my copy there is a purple stamp that says “Discarded from Cheltenham Public Library”. And now there’s a coffee stain since I was just now using the book as a coaster.

Answers That Won’t Win the Nobel Prize for Literature:

  • The last word is actually the 100th name of Allah, and is not to be spoken.
  • The last word was, that it was made into a screen-play, then a film, then a TV series, then a cartoon, then a comic, then a PC game, then a video, then the stage show, then a revue on ice and a porno film. Now it’s an off-Broadway musical! [And the further off the better]
  • “.” oops that was punctuation.
  • “End” as in The End
  • “supercalafragilisticexpialidocious”
  • 2/6 (i..e. “two shillings and sixpence”) – the price tag.
  • Badger
  • Finnegan Beginnegan
  • “Copyright. The characters in this novel are fictional and any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental”
  • ISBN: 0140062866
  • It’s “Wake”, or did you mean the last word in the book? Please make your intentions clear. [Woops]
  • Well, if I have the last word, its “awful”!! Depends … do you mean the actual song as sung or the the way it appears on a music script. If the former, then its “wake” (the chorus is sung twice at the end) but if its the later, “dead”, as its the last word of the final verse.
  • ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Question 4

What is remarkable about the Japanese word “chichichurin”?

Correct Answer:

According to the Guinness Book of Records it is the longest word in Japanese. It is slang for “a short person”. More interesting is that no other language has a longest word that is so short. It is therefore the world’s shortest longest word.

Other Answers:

  • It is actually the 100th name of Allah, and is not to be spoken.
  • “chi” is sometimes attached to Japanese names and acts like “ita” or “ino” in Spanish and Italian to mean “little”. “Chin” is japanese slang for “dick”. Actually, that’s just crap [But it’s correct!] I don’t know …. I asked my Japanese colleagues and they looked at me in bewilderment; I even downloaded NeocorTech’s “TsunamiMT” Japanese/English translator for both Hiragana and Katakana and came up with a blank. What’s remarkable is that you’ve probably goofed yet again and its most likely some new type of Mexican sausage.
  • Absolutely nothing. There are many more remarkable words in the Japanese language, although these escape me just at the moment.
  • Chichi is Japanese slang for the old fella or penis, or the old man (as in father). It is the basis of a number of other words about happy physical love, secret lovers’ trysts, erotic touching, etc. It was probably absorbed into Japanese from the Spanish and Portuguese traders in the 1500’s to 1600’s; chichi in Spanish means much the same thing as it does in Japanese. Churin is one of the dialects of Japanese (where this fits in I don’t know), and I’m told chichichurin means something like comical love cards; a suggestive but fun gift to a love partner. [Wow Dave where do you get all this? I stand humbled. Even though it’s wrong]
  • I think Dr. Bob made this up – all I could find was chichi (slow);chichi (father);chichci (milk, breast); chichibanare (weaning); chichikata (father’s side of family); chichikubi (teat, nipple); chichikuru (illicit secret lover’s meeting); chichikusai (smelling of milk, immature); So at a rough guess, I suppose the prefix “chichi” is unusual in that it is masculine, feminine and denotes speed, maturity and immaturity with a bit of illicit sex thrown in. But buggered if I can find “chichichurin”.
  • It appears in every song by ‘Wham’. That and the letter r tends to get pronounced l (as the Japs cant get their tongues around their r’s, which reads better than it sounds.) As Chichichulin it means the “Mexican Temple City of the walking brain-dead”, better known as the Macarana. Or Houston (damn, that was last month). Vive Santa Anna!
  • It is an onomatopeia invented by Japanese tourists to describe the sound of an Australian brush-tailed possum being run over on a New Zealand highway. Or if it isn’t, it should be.
  • It is exactly the sound of a 1982 Nissan Bluebird being started.
  • It is pronounced “phlegm”
  • It is the only Japanese word that is written with letters in the Roman alphabet.
  • It sounds almost exactly like what happens when you try to hold in a sneeze but fail
  • It was the inspiration for the rooftop chimney sweep song in Mary Poppins “chim-chimeney, chim-chimeney, chichichurin…”
  • It’s got the highest proportion of “chi”s to other syllables of any word known to Man. [No – that would be the word “chi”]
  • It’s not the name of a cartoon character or Pokemon
  • Roughly translated it means “Christ’s Life Force(chi) charges (literally, resides in) the Shroud of Turin”. This is because the shroud of Turin is actually Japanese in origin having been stolen by a Jesuit monk in 1511 from its original location in a Japanese brothel where it was used as a bedsheet. The image on the shroud is actually that of a dehydrated ninja.
  • Stutterers can say it just fine!
  • That when said by native speakers you DON’T get spit on your computer screen
  • The “urin” of the “chichich” is considered a delicacy in that part of the world.
  • The word ‘chichichurin’ is remarkable because it has absolutely nothing to do with a badger, 12 Manchurian street prostitutes, and 145 gallons of lubricant.
  • When rendered in traditional chinese characters, it bears a remarkable likeness to Mother Theresa

Question 5

Muslims hold that God has 100 names – the Merciful, the Compassionate, etc; what is unusual about the 100th one of them?

Dr Bob’s Answer:

The 100th name is not known to mankind. It is, however, known to camels. Hence the snooty expression of the latter beasts.

Also:

  • Nobody knows what it is. Mohammed ran out of paper when he was writing them all down, and covered his ass by saying that it was a big secret and anybody who spoke the name would be struck by lightning.
  • Of the nearly 3,000 names ascribed to Allah by religious scholars, the 100th is the Name which has been hidden by Allah, and is called Ism Allah al-azam: The Greatest Name of Allah. (http://iccm.missouri.org/99names.html) It is the name that is unknown to man; it cannot be spoken.
  • Dr Bob – I think you’re making this up too – I could only find 99. Unless, of course, the 100th name is “God the Unmentionable”, ‘cos the name is so sacred and powerful it is not written down or spoken of. [Wow! This is very nearly the right answer. In fact, it IS the right answer]
  • I’m not even going to try a funny answer to this one. Look what happened to Salman Rushdie.

Theologically Suspect Alternatives:

  • It has recently changed from Gary Ablett to Tony Lockett.
  • By about 87 they’d run out of ideas, so the 100th one was Gerald
  • God the Bank Manager. This is the name used by [er, members of a certain religion] in their tax forms for religion exempt status
  • In recitations of the 100 names, no-one has reached the end of the list so no-one knows what number 100 is. The Imam has such a boring voice, everyone’s gone to sleep long before the end.
  • It is known only by camels (which is what gives them the hump). Dromedarys are of the opinion that it is a double-barrelled name, something or other-Smythe.
  • It is ‘The Adequate’ – they were really scraping the bottom of the Barrell
  • It’s “Frunobulax”, apparently a very large poodle dog.
  • It’s not an adjective.
  • It’s unusual because it’s correct: “the Figment Of Our Imaginations”
  • No – don’t tell me – I’m terrible with names, but I never forget a face…
  • that it is actually a proper name….Erwin, to be exact…..it’s believed that the muslim god is the laughing stock of the god parthenon, and wants to be like a famous Gordon, and be referred to as a verb, present tense….
  • That it would be part of a question in a Skeptics page.
  • The 100th name is Norman.
  • The 100th one is “the Fanciful”
  • Zebadee.
  • Another foul up; is that what’s unusual?! All references I found say that there’s 99 names plus “Allah” which encompasses all of them. The 99th is “As-Sabur”, the Patient/Compassionate/Beneficient, depending whose translation you read.
  • “Chichichurin”

Comments

  • A doctor tells his patient: “I’m afraid the blood tests reveal that you’ve got AIDS. And, unfortunately, all the other tests confirm that you’ve got Alzheimers disease.” “Phew” says the patient “for a moment there I thought you were going to tell me I had AIDS”. [Groan. Q4 reminds me of this one: Actor cannot get any work, although he can sing, dance, tell jokes, the whole works. Impresario says “Maybe it’s your name – I mean who wants to cast a guy with a name like Penis Truck Lesbian?” “OK then I’ll change it – how about Dick Van Dyke”]
  • Bloody impossible as usual, keep up the good work.
  • Excellent work that man; nice to see my opinion of what really went on on the moon was so well received last month.
  • Just don’t go expecting me to know what you’re talking about. I have trouble knowing what I’m talking about.
  • mmmmmmmm…..Barbequed Thai spleen…..*drool*……
  • Now let me ask you: When tweetle beetles battle / with their paddles in a puddle / and the puddle’s in a bottle on a poodle eating noodles / is that called a tweetle beetle poodle noodle puddle bottle paddle battle? [Yes]
  • Oh la la, as they say here. You did have a bad one last month and maybe this month isn’t any better? The calendar and volcano faux pas and then you glibly accepted NASA’s “official” answer as “Houston …”. Have a look at http://www.hq.nasa.gov/office/pao/History/alsj/a11/a11.summary.html
  • Once again you have succeeded in digging up obscure facts that people really have to think about. I really should be writing my review essay so can I hold you responsible if I don’t get my thesis written in time?
  • Sorry for extremely silly answers this month – have been drinking Summerfield 1997 Shiraz whilst writing this (not the Black Label Shiraz unfortunately – curses! – but still a damn nice drop!). Your quiz however, is very perplexing – where the hell do you dig up these questions???? [Would you believe, it’s all from reading a lot of stuff and having a mind that latches on to useless facts. The “chichichurin” is from 1984. People do dig up the answers on the Internet and I am amazed at how accurate and thorough the answers can be. But the questions really do all come from my mind ……. ha ha, erghhh, ecki ecki, splunge]
  • This comment is optional. [No, I have had to put it here and now they’ve all had to read it]
  • What? No answers? Oh, right. I’ve finished reading all the back issues, have I? (As you may have guessed, I only discovered this quiz today. [looks at watch] Yesterday.) Does this mean I can stop laughing and go to bed now? [Yes but watch out for icebergs]
  • Why do I have to answer all the questions when I can usually only think of a good answer for one of them? [Because Dr Bob smiles on seeing even one good answer. If it’s really good and Dr Bob falls off his chair laughing you can still be the winner for the month!! Just put x for the ones you are not attempting. 3 out of your 5 are in here]
  • Why do your eyes shut when you sneeze? [So that you can’t see your enemies who might be creeping up on you while you are sneezing. Really Dave, you didn’t know this?]