Answers for March 1999

This month I have not needed to use my own answers – enough of the submitted ones were actually correct, probably by accident. I have not listed the numerous authors, I hope they won’t mind. Anyway our anagrammatic WINNER this month is –

Glue ball on a pole

alias Paul Angelo Bello

Question 1

Where would you find Novocastrians?

Correct Answers:

  • Newcastle (I’m really worried now – I knew that one)
  • New South Wales, New Brunswick, Northern Ireland, Republic of Ireland, Ohio, Ontario, Pennsylvania, St Kitts-Nevis, California, Indiana, Utah, Virginia, Wyoming, South Africa, a couple of places in England and in North-East Malaysia where Kota Bharu means “New Castle”. [But what about the other parts of N.E.Malaysia?]
  • In the pub
  • By a river. Novocastrians is a Newcastle(UK) term for beginner fishermen.

Better Answers:

  • Preferably at the bottom of the NRL ladder.
  • Guarding the harem. Where else would you find newly castrated men? Oh wait… a choir. Yes you might find them there, too. In a choir, it took about three months for a Novocastrian to graduate to “castrati”. (The testosterone flow has to even out so the voice stops cracking.)
  • Anywhere except Vocastria – unless they were visiting.
  • In the third aisle, next to the breakfast cereals.
  • “Novocastrians” are the unfortunate alumni fellows of the Royal Grammar School, Newcastle upon Tyne, who are in the local Oxford outpatients after recent delicate surgery … probably next to the “novorectums”.
  • They’re a new a capella group of falsetto singers regularly performing at the Star Hotel
  • In the dentist’s office, of course.
  • Aren’t they married to eunuchs? [I would not say that in Newcastle-upon-Tyne if I were you]

Question 2

What did Scott’s expedition find when they reached the South Pole in 1912?

Correct Answers:

  • The South Pole
  • Heaps and Heaps of snow. Oh! and a bloody flag.
  • A small tent, a flagpole with a Norwegian flag, a message from Roald Amundsen, some food and (probably) some frozen dog poo.
  • Left over fish bones from a Roald Amundsen BBQ and a map showing which way was North.
  • That their compass went round and round.
  • That they had left the light on back at their last camp.
  • That they had several days to live, but nowhere near enough. Amundsen was such a bounder that he would eat his own huskies whereas they, as nice British chaps, couldn’t bring themselves to do anything so ungentlemanly. Alternatively, Scott found that the breakfast of Arctic Champions was, of course, Oates. 🙂

Alternative Answers:

  • Macdonalds. Probably explains why Scott’s expedition died of malnutrition on the way back.
  • A two metre high barber’s pole sticking out of the ground, a case of empties and instructions on how to get back, which they unfortunately couldn’t read as they were written in Norwegian. [It said “head North”]
  • A sign saying “Other Side Up”
  • A sign saying “Made in Japan”
  • Robert Falcon Scott on Jan 18, 1912, found a Norwegian flag left by Roald Amundsen who acheived the goal of arriving at the south pole 5 weeks earlier. There is a rumour that a message was also left saying “nah na nah na nah na”, an inscrutable old Norwegian saying.
  • The car keys (they were behind the couch)
  • yummy dead polar bears to eat… Mmmmm…..

Question 3

Among Jesus and his 12 apostles, who was the treasurer?

Facetious Answers That Turn Out To Be Amazingly Correct:

  • Judas, of course. He hung himself so he wouldn’t get copped for embezzlement. And who else but an accountant would turn in their best friend for 30 silver pieces?
  • Since the love of money is the root of all evil, it must have been Judas, because as an apostle he was pretty rooted.
  • Depending on which Bible version, the apostle “named Matthew sitting at the tax collector’s booth” (Matthew 9:9 and 10:3) was the treasurer. But in my mind, the real “patron saint” of treasurers should be Judas Ischariot; he got the real goods in the end and “his heart grew wicked over a period of time, becoming a thief and traitor” (John 18:1) which appear to be treasury job prerequisites these days.

Alternative Answers:

  • A treasurer for what? Jesus ™?? [Oh yes, what an idea] Why would they need a treasurer?
  • I think it was Pluto… No wait! Doc, … no Scary … perhaps Prancer.
  • It is easier for a rich man to pass a needle than a camel. So it must have been Judas Iscariot.
  • Lets see, after the resurrection Jesus couldn’t have done it any more because (a) he was still legally dead even if not factually and (b) the money just seemed to slip through his hands. Nails and stigmata can really get to you after a while. I reckon Paul, after all he was a tax collector by profession so he would have been the natural choice.
  • Simon, or was it Peter, the Rock (collector). Obviously, he was pretty pleased to see Judas turn up with 30 pieces of silver as it added quite substantially to the treasury coffers.
  • The guy who always had to spring for pizza.
  • The one with the airline ticket to Rio.
  • There was no treasurer. They donated what money they did have. [To whom?]
  • They all were … they were all Jewish, weren’t they? 🙂
  • Thomas. Like most accountants he doubted the honesty of his mates.
  • Well, it certainly wasn’t Judas; he was always throwing his money away.

Question 4

Jack London’s story The One Thousand Dozen is about what?

Correct Answers:

  • About 100 pages too long.
  • 12,000 things
  • Eggs
  • A teenage boy is rescued from certain death in the Canadian rockies by a snow goose, which drags him into a cave piled wall to wall with thousands of eggs.

Alternative Answers:

  • “Dozen” in this case is a deliberate twist of the Japanese word “Zendo” which is a meditation room. The story refers to warring factions of Buddhist monks, which by this time had split into 1000 different groups, each claiming that the Feng Shui of its particular zendo was the one that followed most closely the principles of the Tao. Silly monks. Know they not that the Tao that can be named is not the true Tao?
  • A really, really big gang of former psychopaths who attempt to surreptitiously enter a German fortress.
  • A very large bakery – possibly the one making the rolls (sorry, buns) for the South Pole McDonalds franchise.
  • Bread
  • Giant marshmallow men who eat small dolphins
  • Mathematics
  • Novocastrians drinking in a pub

Question 5

Whose name (6,2,10) is an anagram of thelemic demon dares – lets dem read him once – the man e come riddles – the dread commie lens – the mod dream license …..

An Answer:

Michel de Nostredame – Only Steve Symonds got this … Steve, if you had lived in the 16th century you might have been burned for witchcraft. While we are at it here are some up-to-date prophesies from anagrams of the pseudo-latin name NOSTRADAMUS –
SS TRAUMA NOD (rise of neo Nazism)
AMASS NO TURD (sage advice at any time)
O SMART SUDAN (likely development of germ warfare weapons in Sudan)
A TRAMS SOUND (obvious reference to Melbourne – how civilised)
MARS SAND OUT (successful local attempt to camouflage the Face on Mars)

Alternative And Equally Correct But Somewhat Inferior Answers:

  • Melton De Archimedes
  • Demmie de Charleston
  • Molested De Chairmen
  • Simon Thermel Cemedd, an obscure Welsh Saint who invented underwear
  • Teeidm na Hlmceodrs, the well known Celt
  • Herman de Todmelsic, a dear friend of mine!

Incorrect Answers Included:

  • Englebert Humperdinck, Xavier Cougat, Mao Tse Tung, Monica Lewinsky, Dr Bob, Thelma and Louise, Simon de Bergerac, Nelson Mandela, Raisa Gorbachev, Margaret Thatcher, Elton John, Beavis and Butthead
  • Blaise Habgood [Thank you, Blaise]

Alternative Answers:

  • You mistake me for a person who gives a stuff.
  • I really hate anagrams – I think that the part of the brain that unscrambles anagrams is missing in mine … amdn!
  • Well I had to substitute a couple of letters but I got: Billll Le Smithhhhhh. Ordinarily I would have just written Billy Smith – it’s easier to spell.
  • I dunno, but look at this anagram: “mother in law” is an anagram of “hitler woman”.
  • Can’t do it, but look at these –
    Shroud of Turin = Our Shirt Found
    Postmodernism = Mind Proto-mess
    President Clinton of the USA = To copulate, he finds interns!
    President Boris Yeltsin = Endless insobriety trip!
    Australian Skeptics Incorporated = Cattier top-rank special dinosaurs
    = Proletarian dipstick to assurance
    = Capricious, dark as potent latrines
    = As OK as dirtiest cut-price anal porn
  • I’m not smart enough to work this out. I could always go into politics and become Treasurer, I suppose. [Be careful – look what happened to Judas Iscariot]

And here are some of the more printable Comments:

  • Every month I wait eagerly for the quiz. When it arrives, I always wonder what I was so bloody eager about, but I go ahead and fill it out anyway. I spend the next week or so thinking what a stupid quiz it is. The week after that I start thinking that it’s kinda fun even if it is stupid. Then I spend two weeks waiting eagerly for the next quiz. Like sands through the hourglass, these are the days of my life.
  • Let’s popularly elect Dr Bob as our first President. [What a good idea. On this page votes are allocated as follows: Dr Bobs, 1 vote each, other persons, 0 votes each. I hereby declare myself elected]
  • Oh Poop! No more questions, so I guess it’s back to work. See you next month. [At a job interview I said I was good at trivia quizzes and they said they wanted somebody who was good at things they did at work, then I said it was at work …]
  • This is fun. Making up answers is even better than trying to find the real ones. 🙂 [And the answers given are usually better than the real ones … it’s not an examination]
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  • Hi!