Answers for September 1998

WINNER for September 1998 is

Tony Ellis

of Gippsland, Vic. Enjoy the gas shortage, Tony.


Question 1

When is L Ron Hubbard’s birthday?

Answer

March 13, 1911.

Alternative answers:

  • April 1st … as any fool would know
  • July 4th
  • I’ll only tell you once you have pledged your life savings over to me.
  • March 13th and for him to have actually done all of the things that he has supposed to have done, probably in about 1702.
  • Once every year.
  • Is anybody putting in for a present?
  • You mean he was born? I thought he astral-travelled here.

Question 2

In military terms, what happened that started the Battle of Gettysburg?

Answer

The local newspaper (The Gettysburg Compiler) ran an advert from a shoe shop saying that new shoes were in stock. The Confederate Army happened to be 10 miles away and a bit short on shoes. Somebody noticed the advert, and the whole army promptly headed over to Gettysburg, accidentally running into the Union Army on the way.

Alternative answers:

  • An officer gave the order “fire!”
  • Gunfire, or in military parlance, gunfire.
  • The American President at the time was in trouble after having a brief sortie with a young lass.
  • The magazine spring thrusted a cartridge into position and as the shooter pushed the bolt forward the sear engaged the firing pin assembly. On release of the trigger the sear’s hold on the firing pin was released and the main spring forced the firing pin into the base of the cartridge, igniting the primer.
  • The opposing General wouldn’t give their ball back.
  • Two opposing sides decided to try and kill one another.

Question 3

How was the film The Sound of Music edited for showing in South Korea?

Answer

They thought the film was too long, so they cut all the songs out.

Alternative answers:

  • Insufficently.
  • With a flame thrower and duct tape.
  • Yaks were substituted for goats
  • “High on a hill stood a lonely goat herd” became “High on a hill stood a lonely goat turd” but no one got the joke.
  • The Von Trapp children traipsed in neat formation through the meadows singing marching tunes in praise of the military dictatorship.
  • They improved it by removing all the songs. They could have improved it even more by removing all the pictures as well.
  • They took out all the hills due to the Koreans’ vertigo. Oh, and the goatherd was cut out. Yo-da-le Yo-da-la Yo-da-ho!!!!

Question 4

The first criminal to be executed in Montana for 50 years didn’t like salad but it was added to his last meal of steak and chips – why?

Answer

The condemned man asked only for steak and chips, but the prison dietician said that this was not a balanced meal and that salads were good for one’s health.

Facetious Answers sent in, that turn out to be true:

  • For the sake of his health, silly.
  • The warden was a BWFH (Bastard Warden From Hell) but there was probably some rule about healthy meals.
  • I’ve got a nasty feeling it was health regulations. I think he was beyond the point of caring about cholesterol at this point.

Alternative answers:

  • Anyone who was being executed for 50 years probably wouldn’t care what they ate.
  • Because they told him if he cleaned his plate he could go free. (He didn’t)
  • He ordered the special.
  • His mother was there and she told him to eat up his salad otherwise he wouldn’t grow up to be big and strong. So he killed her too.
  • It was delivered by his mother, who inserted a very small file inside the tomato to aid his last minute escape attempt.
  • It was left over form the last execution. Those Montanaians don’t like to waste good food.
  • Shigella infested salad was cheaper than electricity.

Question 5

Remote Pitcairn Island has three principal industries – fishing, farming and what?

Answer:

It must be letter writing, because they do sell an awful lot of postage stamps – or should that be a lot of awful postage stamps? For a total labour force (1993) of 14 people they sell over $500,000 worth of postage stamps.

Alternative answers:

  • It is the headquarters of ‘International Rescue’ (The Thunderbirds)
  • Fucking.
  • Bounty hunting. [Groan]
  • Flamenco dancing.
  • I’ve never heard of the “what” industry … or maybe you just mistyped “hat”.
  • Interisland food commodities arbitrage.
  • Little Chef franchises.
  • Selling stamps. However, this is being rapidly over taken by selling Internet domains.
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