Answers for November 1998

Our repeat WINNER for November, who lives in Gippsland “too close to Moe for comfort” is

Tony Ellis

By the way – who’s Moe?


Question 1

Why did Joshua ask God to extend a particular day?

Answer

He was fighting a battle – part of an onging series of particularly nasty ones – and he wanted to slaughter more people. Maybe it’s harder to kill in the dark. Anyway, God not only willingly assented, but also helped out, with a hail of stones etc.

Alternative answers:

  • Because that was the day that Joshua wanted extended.
  • To fit de battle ob Jericho.
  • He was trying to get into the Guinness Book of Records by breaking the record for most enemies slaughtered in one day.
  • So he could finish bashing the other army and still get the correct postmark on his tax return.
  • Because he had a bet that a female would kiss him by midnight.
  • Hangovers are a bitch and asprin hadn’t been invented yet.
  • He had an unlimited kilometers camel that he could only rent by the day.
  • He was holidaying in Queensland and, as the banana benders are nonbelievers of daylight saving, thought divine intervention was necessary.
  • His atomic clock stopped and he slept in!
  • So he could introduce an anomaly that only Creation Scientist computer systems can detect.
  • So he could work on his tan.

Question 2

Why was the cartoon character “Postman Pat” censored in Japan?

Answer

Because they thought he was a gangster. He has only three fingers on each hand. Japanese gangsters traditionally cut off a finger, to show loyalty to the gang etc. I don’t know how the Japanese perceived The Simpsons.

Alternative answers:

  • I believe here that you are talking about the little known manga anime “Postman Pat Meets Sailor Moon”. Even for Japan it was seen as being in such low taste that it was pulped before publication. The sequel “Postman Pat and the Divine Winds of Doom” was originally thought to be about an Anglo Japanese Kamikaze pilot. The Japanese banned it as well when it was found to be a typically English piece of scatological humour. The third in the trilogy, “Carry On Postman Pat” also fared badly in Japan, despite breaking box-office records in Berwick-on-Tweed, Manchester and Brisbane.
  • Who’s Postman Pat? [You’re from Japan, are you?]

Question 3

What was unusual about the actors in the best film ever made, Citizen Kane (1941)?

Answer

Two things.. 1. They could (act that is) and 2. Welles bypassed the Hollywood star system in his selection of actors; he chose newcomers and actors from his Mercury Theater for major roles.

Alternative answers, which may all possibly be true:

  • They were all albinos who dressed in black, white, or gray clothing.
  • They managed to fool the majority of critics and directors into thinking a script had existed prior to the filming of any given dialogue.
  • They were all theatre actors from the same company rather than film actors, all were left handed and two were colour blind. And stop calling me Citizen Kane, it’s just plain, simple Mr. Hitler, got it?
  • They were all under 25 years old!

Question 4

What was unusual about the start of the battle of Waterloo?

Answer

It rained. Not normally a big deal, especially near Brussels (twinned with Manchester, Melbourne and Reykjavik. Belgian Rain Festival, Jan 1 – Dec 31). But both sides agreed to postpone the start of the battle from 10am to 11:20am, allowing the rain to stop. The ground would dry out, and their uniforms would get less muddy etc. This delay meant that the battle was still going in the evening, when on the verge of a French victory Blucher’s troops suddenly arrived in support of the British.

Alternative answers:

  • Everyone had to go to the toilet before they started shooting.
  • It occurred at 11.20am on a Sunday, the delay being due to the need to hold several extra services at St Basil’s, Waterloo, to accommodate the 170,000 unexpected and rather highly-strung visitors to the parish.
  • The Brits were too busy having a piss up in Brussels to get there in time, so left it to the Prussians to sort out. They didn’t do very well, but made up for it a little later (specifically 1871, 1914 and 1940; future dates yet to be advised) [Which reminds me – Why are there trees planted alongside the roads in France? – To give shade to the German army]
  • The generals said, “One, two,” intending for the soldiers to begin fighting on “three.” The soldiers, however, responded by saying “Buckle my shoe.”
  • They didn’t start fighting until lunchtime because true gentlemen don’t get out of bed before the crack of noon.
  • They were going to call it Portaloo, but that had already been trademarked.

Question 5

What is the power of the human heart (in watts?)

Answer

About 3 watts.

Alternative answers:

  • Unfortunately, more than the human brain in many cases
  • 2.5 watts, which is apparently enough to make people do all sorts of silly things like cut off their ear, besiege a city or get married and have kids [Or conduct a trivia quiz]
  • Everyone knows that there is nothing more powerful than the human heart – except greed, of course.
  • If you run them in parallel and like U2 then two hearts beat as one; you would need around 870 if you are going to successfully power an amplifier
  • It’s immeasurable – an all-consuming power of love, healing, forgiveness, spirituality and psychic nutrition, together with its much less interesting power to pump 10 litres of blood per minute. (Yes I know, but most of these things can’t be measured in watts.)
  • Unlimited, of course.
  • Watt-watt-watt-watt-watt? (With apologies to Neddy Seagoon)
  • Is it a live or dead heart? (Sorry for the re-volting answer but it’s late and I have to go ohm)
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