Our WINNER for January is
– who like certain other persons appears to be happy to mix religion with money.
Our BOOBY PRIZE for January is won by: Dr BOB, who thinks that everyone in the WA Fire Brigade is a fire fighter.
What proportion of UFO abductions are reported as happening in the USA?
80% – Aliens obviously find Americans the most interesting specimens
- Obviously not enough
- This is a trick question. There are no reports of anyone abducting a UFO.
- Since abductees would identify the flying object they were taken in as an alien spaceship, nobody has been abducted by an *unidentified* flying object
- 90%, and unfortunately, most of them are returned sufficiently unscathed to appear on Rikki Lake’s show
- It is a shame they can’t take them all.
What was unusual about the appearance of the astronomer Tycho Brahe (1546-1601)?
He had an artificial silver nose, the real one having been cut off in a duel
- Well, the purple skirt was the talk of the town…[This from Cheshire, UK]
- Many things must have been curious about his appearance – since he died in 1601
- No nose – Good heavens, how did he smell – Terrible [Boom Boom]
- He had a punk haircut, a 35mm bolt through his scrotum, with a nut on the end (making three in all), a cast in one eye (a plaster cast), and he invariably dressed as a subaltern in the Third Royal Danish Pastry Cooks, with flippers on his feet. With all of these adornments, he hoped that no one would notice his false nose.
In the early part of this century, how did the millionaire John Jacob Astor IV die?
He went down on the Titanic [It’s very tempting to put a joke in here]
- The usual way – you know, one minute alive, the next dead…
- Died of exhaustion trying to think of a new name for his son
- He isn’t dead, I’ve seen him in my local supermarket with Elvis and Attila the Hun
- Harangued to death by Lady Astor
Who, (or when, or where) said “I am just going outside and may be some time”?
Captain Oates, committing suicide in a highly civilised fashion as befits an officer and a gentleman, during Scott’s expedition to Antarctica in 1912
- Well, if you believe Scott’s diary, Oates said this and made the supreme sacrifice… but how do we know that Scott didn’t just club Oates to death with a frozen huskie and make a rather filling stew?
- Oates, and Scott said “What ho old chap, let me hold the door of the tent open for you”
- A city-slicker looking for the dunny at a B & S ball [For our overseas readers, this means – oh never mind]
- Michael Barrymore. He is constantly coming out, but never stays away for as long as he says.
- Admiral Peary in Antarctica [Are you lost too?]
How would you distinguish a crocodile from an alligator? (apart from looking at the label on its cage, or waiting to see if it eats you, or asking its owner etc.)
Note the exposed 4th tooth in crocodiles.
Equally good answers:
- With binoculars
- Crocs always take a while, but ’gators will see you later
- Say “Hello, Mr. Alligator” and if it doesn’t respond then it’s obviously a Crocodile
- If handbag or shoes, it’s alligator, if a belt, crocodile
- Make a handbag from each, dearie. You’ll find the alligator one more serviceable and chic. Whoops it’s 1998 – sorry, alligator is passé. Find an eland.
- A crocodile has its teeth sticking out of its mouth. An alligator has you sticking out of its mouth.
- Does it really actually matter? I mean, would you find it essential to know whether it was a crocodile or alligator chasing you? [Oh yes – Skeptics are curious about everything]
- Speak to a passing native; if he says “Y’all talkin’ to me?” it’s an alligator, if he says “G’day mate” or any African, Indian or various other tongues, it’s a crocodile. I know that you can tell the difference by looking at the teeth and snout, but I’m not stupid enough to get so close.
- An exposed 4th dentary tooth in crocodiles; occlusal pits for dentary teeth in alligators; nares divided by a bony bridge in alligators. By the way, under the term “alligator” are you referring to members of the genus Alligator or do you include all members of the subfamily Alligatorinae, thus including the caimen, in which case the cheap old cop out about the exposed fourth tooth won’t work because some species of caimen do have an exposed fourth dentary tooth. [Curses!]