ANSWERS for February 2011. Welcome to my new victims – you will soon get used to my appalling cultural tastes and other little foibles. Well, the ones that can go on a web page, anyway. Several ironies in the questions this month – I had no idea there was a Hitler connection in Q2, and that the answer to Q5 was, possibly, 42; I went to the same school as Douglas Adams, although not in the same year. And from Q5, I found that the band are actually playing this very month in my home town!! – good heavens, they’d be old enough to get free rides on the trains. My WINNER this month comes from Bolton – as most people do – yes welcome back and thanks to:
Why was the 16-century artist Daniele da Volterra nicknamed “The Trouserer”?
He was commanded by the Pope to paint fig-leaves and other decorous attire over the naughty bits of religious frescoes.
- He reduced the arouserer value of the carouserers in Michelangelo’s “Last Judgement”, thus satisfying the wowserers.
- The Phantom Raspberry Blower was already taken
- The Pantser was already gone.
- After it has been decided that nudity was a no-no Daniele was offered the job of ruining Michelangelo’s “Last Judgement”. Apart from covering up Italian genitalia he also unlocked St. Blaise and St. Catherine from perpetual intercourse. While usually a bucket of water would do the trick, in this instance a chisel was needed.
- Because Le Petomane was already taken. I never took any notice that the governor in ‘Blazing Saddles’ is called Le Petomane until a recent viewing. Now all the fart gags make sense!
- Because he had a stutter.
- Dan, Pope Paul’s personal painter pal, penned pretty pudenda-protecting panties on pastel pictures previously painted by a certain sainted Sistine ceiling scribbler.
- Did he paint the sashes over Mikey’s titanic (hah!) nudes in the Sistine Chapel?
- He got people pissed.
- He was always panting.
- He was employed as a cod piece for Michaelangelo’s “Last Judgement”.
- He was the original bikini inspector- later copied for Bondi Beach. When I retire and I need a part time job I am going to apply…. [My mate had that job, the pay was only $20 a week, but that was all he could afford]
- In an act of vandalism he went around defacing artworks by painting pants over nude characters’ genitals. If only he’d known that pubescent peoples of the future would only go and crudely draw said genitals back on.
- Through multiple acts of sheer vandalism. Although it must be said in his defense that Philistines, Goths and Huns, as well as Vandals were involved in painting pants over rude bits of Michelangelo works. The horror is that Mikey was still painting some of them.
- Unlike modern graffiti artists who draw genitalia onto pre-existing works of art Daniele was hired to cover them up, hence the painter of trousers.
- Was it in his genes? (Sorry.) PS. How’s the best way to do that pun: “…jeans” or “…genes” It’s tricky to know which one to write sometimes, that’s why I prefer talking…
- It doesn’t involve other people? So something to do with me and you? Hmmmm. Are you sure you want to broadcast this to everyone?[No, James, it is our little secret, just between the two of us. Well, the two of us, the News Of The World, and the blogosphere]
Who is the principal critic of the early philosophical works of Wittgenstein?
Wittgenstein. Amazingly, for one who claims to know so much, I had no idea that Wittgenstein was born 6 days after Hitler and even attended the same school. Marvellous what you learn when setting trivia questions. Imagine being the teacher of that lot …. “Ludwig pay attention .. and Adolf stop playing with yourself …” Imagine the playground fights…. if the young Witty beat up the young Hitty, that might explain a whole lot of stuff about revenge and wars etc.
- Bert Russell, if one discounts the possibility that an A.Hitler may have punched Witters in the philosophical nose at school.
- Brian Sodding Sewell
- Do you still do a question every month whose answer is very closely related to Hitler? If so, I think this must be it. Is the answer David Cameron? [Er, no, and my name’s not Cameron]
- Himself. He was heavily into self-loathing.
- His Mum. “Ludwig, why don’t you get a proper job?” “The writing, it’s so hoity-toity, you’ll never make a living at it.” And her personal favourite, “All the boys who love their mommies, they become Doctors you know.”
- I guess your use of the present tense rules out Wittgenstein himself who seemed to have exhausted the topic of his early failings in philosophy. In the race for current principal critic, would Jaako Hintikka finnish first?
- Jesus – principal critic of everything.
- John Sraffa
- Margaret gave him four stars, but David thought his logic shaky and unsteady, and you know how he hates that.
- Monty Python: because he was a beery swine. And because they went to the same school, HITLER!
- Probably Wittgenstein, self-loathing bastard….
- That’d be that delightful British company the gentleman in question 4 took part in. To quote: “Wittgenstein was a beery swine who was just as schloshed as Schlegel.”
- The Spanish Inquisition. He was burnt at the stake for being a Wittgch.
- Wittgenstein – his seminal work on introspective navel gazing led him to ponder the ramifications of a post modern approach to navel lint. By the time he finished this bout of really heavy thinking his beer had gone flat and he cursed and criticised himself soundly.
On 1 May 2004, the adventurer Ben Saunders arrived, on foot, at the North Pole. Elated by the success of journey, he pulled his mobile phone out of his sledge pack, connected the battery and called his mother, his girlfriend, and the CEO of the company that sponsored his trip. What did they say?
He got three answering machines
- “Hello – Ben Saunders’ mother, girlfriend and sponsor speaking.”
- “Bloody hell, don’t you know what time it is here? Phone back in the bloody morning! Dickhead! Sheesh!” (click…)
- “Have you seen any penguins yet?” … idiots
- “Ummm… I thought you were heading south?!”
- “What telco are you with to get reception up there?!? I have to go out to the laundry to send a text message!”
- “How much will it cost… no, no way”. Actually, that was my Dad and I was only calling from Bali. Bastard.
- “Where the bloody hell have you been!?” Actually, never mind the question, how on Earth did he managed to get a signal? I mean I live in a city and I can barely get a bar half the time![Well if you lived in Australia, you’d find plenty of bars]
- Hope you’re not going clubbing tonight.
- I would like to say, “You’re really late for work”, or “Aren’t you supposed to be at the South Pole?”, or “Can I talk to Santa?”, but all he got were voice messages. ZOG!
- Mother: “You’d better be wearing your woolly undies.”
Girlfriend: “I’m out of ice for my G&T – be so kind as to bring some on your way back.”
Sponsor: “I hope you’re not wasting our money on international calls.”
All messages were recorded on their voice mails.
- Nothing, they didn’t want to talk to him.
- Stay there! Don’t move!
- They all told him to pull his head in – wasn’t he aware of the time difference? It was 2am local time when they received the calls and they weren’t happy. [But it was also 2am where he was …. and 3am, and 4am, and 5am, ….]
- They immediately knew he wasn’t ringing on the Optus, Virgin or Vodafone networks – as I’ve just found out the hard way, they don’t even have any coverage in the majority of Tasmania, let alone the North Pole.
- They told him to call back at a more reasonable hour.
- What do you bloody mean by reverse charging!!!
- Your call is very important to us, and we will get to you as soon as possible /click/ and when he called back he got a recorded message saying: Our operators are busy at the moment. You are 204th in a queue, please hold, and enjoy Wagner’s Ring Cycle, (unabridged). Your call is /click/
When an eruption of the (correctly pronounced) Icelandic volcano Eyjafjallajokull hindered air travel in Europe, John Cleese was stranded in Oslo but needed to be in London within 48 hours. How did he get there?
He took a taxi from Oslo to Brussels – $3,000 – and got the Channel Tunnel train
OK, An Even More Correct Answer
- He probably got there by plane. Getting home was no doubt a problem though.
- A very expensive taxi ride.
- By cab, as you do. You didn’t expect him to walk, did you Dr Bob?
- By taxi, cost him 30 000 kroner
- By volcano.
- He called fellow Python Michael Palin who, inspired by the Ripping Yarn, supplied Cleese with a sled team of frogs. Sadly, acclimatised as they were to the rarefied atmosphere of the Andes, thay all croaked. So he took a cab.
- He didn’t, he just stood on the runway and thrashed the plane with a branch.
- He hailed down a taxi. Luckily it had three drivers so they could take turns at the wheel.
- He used his vast experience of silly walks to get there. Although it is possible that he got a taxi, but this was not enough as the taxi driver would have to sleep, so he got one taxi with two (or more, not sure) drivers. I seem to remember it costing £90,000, or was it £9,000? I can never get the zeroes right, perhaps it was £9.
- I am sure there were some silly walks involved as should be expected from the ministry however his manager managed to convince a taxi driver that missing his own birthday to drive a client suffering from faulty control towers to the train station $5,000 away.
- In a taxi, but hopefully not with Mr Smokestoomuch
- Official story: taxi. Truth? Secret Masonic/Python Hoverboots.
- Taxi! £3,300 to Brussels, thence via silly walk to the Eurostar and home, thus avoiding Iceland.
- VERY funny walk
- Well slap me in the face with a dead fish! With a series of silly walks of course, stopping off every now and then for a 5 minute argument, and following the migrating Norwegian Blues. Or maybe he caught a taxi.
- Taxi to Brussels, then the Eurostar. He could afjord it.
How many people have played over the years in one of Dr Bob’s favourite bands, Hawkwind?
About 50, but nobody can really remember exactly.
- Wait a minute, I’ll ask my granddad.
- About a third.
- All of them
- 37, give or take a few drop-ins.
- 43 +/- 5
- 702051297 – That’s my phone number; give us a call Dr Bob. Hold on, what am I doing? I can’t give you my number. There. I’ve changed it, although only one digit, there are now 56 possible combinations so if you really want to get hold of me you can, then again I’m not in Australia so you’ll have to figure out the country code first…
- 9 drums, 9 keyboards, 9 bass, DAVE BROCK, 5 guitar, 2 sax/flute, 6 vocalists [counted only once if more than one instrument] so, 41. I bet Dr. Bob makes 42, but I’m not going to count again.
- Hmm, ‘Hawkwind’, isn’t that the aptly named band whose music sounds like a flock of raptors farting? Oh no, scrub that, just reread the wretched question & see HW is one of Dr Bob’s favourites, bugger, blown all chances of winning this month, damn, poo… [Wow, a flock of raptors farting … imagine that, a whole new musical genre. If I was not completely tone deaf and if I knew anything about music … but then I would not be a Hawkwind fan would I? ]
- I contend that the band has had just 37 -members-, however many people have -played- in it! I won’t be so heartless as to say that I have never even heard of it, let alone heard it – but it’s true. [Crikey, Alan, you are missing out on something amazing. Well, on something.]
- I don’t know. Is your favourite band still Sigur Rós? They’ve had five members. And don’t call me Hawkwind.
- No one who will admit to it
- Nobody. It’s, you know, more just a loose thing, man.
- None, they were aliens
- None, they were all Hawkmen from the cartoon hero series.
- Not enough with any talent – except for perhaps Ginger Baker! I suppose it’s going to be another one of those questions with an answer of 42
- There’s hundreds of people / Like you and me / Oh, hurry on sundown / See what tomorrow brings
Where (in the USA) is this?
Las Vegas. On looking at Google Earth, it might be at 36*07″00’N 115*02″30’W but it could be pretty much anywhere in town. The sewage works to the south breaks the monotony. Note the featureless desert to the east of here. And the west.
- Ah that would be AREA 51, well the accommodation section anyway where all the people who don’t live and work there, live and work. The rampant monotony of the place makes an excellent environment to mind control all the non-staff of area 51. The only problem with the accommodation module is that the aliens find it disturbing to fly over and drop their “Philadelphia flares” as the place illuminates in a manner similar to that of lighting up a paper bag of faecal matter and knocking on the door. This tends to ruin the aliens fun when out for a big night of probing and cattle mutilation. Unfortunately the site was accidentally destroyed during a nuclear test to see if using an enormous bomb would work to clean up all the asbestos. Obviously the lack of evidence supporting this theory is clear evidence of the extent and effectiveness of the actual conspiracy.
- Amazing how something so cookie-cutter looks as if it’s animated. California anyway: Orange County? Hollywood? Stepford? Yes, we are all individuals.
- Antarctica, USA, taken at noon on December 21st 2142 (hence the low sun angle). The faint bluish haze is a typical artefact of the brilliant Canon EOS Futurescope XP7, with settings to allow time delays of up to 200 years. All photographs of the future are slightly blue-shifted because it is moving towards us. Photographs of the past are similarly red-shifted. The effects of climate change, global overpopulation and poor town planning are evident even here in this brand new US state.
- Anywhere. Everywhere.
- Down town Uglyville, USA
- Duchess Junction, New York State, it’s on the flood plain of the town. Pete Seeger lives on the hill above. And these are the little boxes made of ticky-tacky. There’s a red one, and a yellow one, and they all look just the same.
- Hades, Arizona
- I reckon there’s a subtle clue to this one in the parentheses.
- In cinemas everywhere.
- In one of the following: Alabama, Alaska, Arizona, Arkansas, California, Colorado, Connecticut, Delaware, Florida, Georgia, Hawaii, Idaho, Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Kansas, Kentucky, Louisiana, Maine, Maryland, Massachusetts, Michigan, Minnesota, Mississippi, Missouri, Montana, Nebraska, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New Mexico, New York, North Carolina, North Dakota, Ohio, Oklahoma, Oregon, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Vermont, Virgnia [Virgnia? ‘I’ could go there, says the cryptic crossword fan], Washington, Wisconsin, Wyoming. If not there, then somewhere else.
- I’ve never been to America. Is it nice?
- Las Vegas
- McMansionville, Florida? Badtasteburg, California? A small caravan park in Texas? All of the above?
- On a hillside, made of ticky-tacky.
- Renyoldsville CA
- Tessellation, USA
- Wherever that might be, Malvina Reynolds has been there.
- As we Queenslanders are wont to say, you can stick your global warming up your Yasi.
- Good to be back!
- Great little quiz you’ve got here. I apologise if my answers don’t reach the level of wit expected. I’m German, we don’t do humour. Schon gehört? GMX hat einen genialen Phishing-Filter in die Toolbar eingebaut!
- Hello Dr Bob from the UK. Your quiz is still the best on the net.
- How dare you change your web site? Was it something I said?
- I am indebted to the QI elves on Twitter for pointing me your way – hurrah!
- I apologise for answer 6, my tin foil hat slipped and shut down the reasoning centres of my brain. In no way did any government agency tell me to retract my answer.
- I hope these help. [Why, yes they will, thank you, but I’d prefer smaller denominations]
- I might, if I can swing it, see you at this year’s Golden Plains music festival Dr Bob http://2011.goldenplains.com.au/whos-playing/hawkwind/ I even have a vinyl copy of the Michael Moorcock and The Deep Fix album “New World’s Fair”, but don’t let that sway your judgement for a possible second win. Think I might go and put it on the turntable, the next door neighbour needs a wakeup call.
- I’m very sceptical about all of the above
- It’s all your favourites, Dr. Bob! Titanic, Hitler, Iceland, Python, and Ginger Baker.
- Would it be better if I looked up the answers? [Good heavens no. I already have]